Many blogs talk about cultivating meaningful relationships, mine included, but far fewer offer practical advice on how to actually do so, especially amid the chaos of modern life. There’s a reason adult friendship memes hit so hard: two friends embracing with the punchline, “Let’s do this again sometime!” followed by three years of radio silence. The truth, often wrapped in jest, is this: maintaining friendships is hard. Get-togethers, dinners, and outings frequently need to be scheduled weeks (or months) in advance. And far too often, friendships wither not from drama, but from simple neglect.

If you’re trying to stay connected, understand that long lead times are your friend. When you carve out that sacred time well in advance, you’re more likely to protect it. Babysitters can be arranged, meetings declined, and work shifts avoided. For those of us with flexible schedules, this means intentionally leaving space on the calendar instead of double-booking ourselves into oblivion. And once you’re together, schedule the next hangout before you part ways. Avoid the dreaded “we should do this again sometime” trap. Instead, give it a date and put it in ink. The added bonus is that your social calendar quickly fills up and one is almost never asking what you’ll be doing this coming weekend because the adventure is already planned.

Better yet, create your own traditions. Annual events, say, the third Saturday in August or an annual St. Patrick’s Day gathering, are the friendship equivalent of compound interest. My parents have maintained a tight-knit friend group this way since before I was born. Their regular gatherings forged a support network not only for themselves but also for their children. These “aunts” and “uncles” of mine are as present in my life as any blood relative. It’s what community looks like, grown slowly and intentionally.

But let’s be clear: frequency does not equal depth. Seeing someone every month does not automatically mean you’re close. Acquaintances abound. What builds true friendship is depth and depth requires a little vulnerability. You’ll never bond deeply over small talk about the weather. The loneliest people are often surrounded by others, but starved for real connection.

So how do we get there? How do we move from “hello” to discussing our deepest fears and childhood wounds over a bottle of wine as the stars blur into dawn? How do we move past banal small talk to deeper meanings or fascinating topics of history, philosophy, politics, culture, religion and science!

Start by being bravely, unapologetically yourself. That doesn’t mean barreling into every social situation guns blazing with your entire life story. But it does mean dressing, speaking, and behaving in a way that reflects who you are. Let your style be your signal. I, for one, adore hats. More than once, a compliment on a cloche or a beret has led to delightful conversations about fashion, history, or even women’s suffrage. (Do look up hatpins and their sharp-edged role in protest movements; it’s fascinating.)

Your Star Wars T-shirt might spark a conversation with a fellow fan. You don’t need to wear it to a black-tie wedding, of course, but maybe your R2-D2 earrings can come along for the ride. It’s all in the details, dear reader.

And when you speak, speak authentically, but not obnoxiously. There’s a fine line between sharing your perspective and delivering a TED Talk no one asked for. The goal is dialogue, not monologue. Ask meaningful questions: What excites you lately? What dream are you quietly working on? What belief has shaped you? These questions unlock people. Add in some active listening—real eye contact, verbal cues, reflecting back what you’ve heard—and you’ll be amazed what people are willing to share. Remember to be curious. Approach the other person as a treasure to be discovered.

Of course, not everyone will be ready for that level of intimacy right away. Don’t rush it. Some people are open books by page two. Others keep their pages sealed until chapter twelve. Learn to read the room, watch for cues that signal whether to dig deeper or dial it back. A meaningful conversation is less like an interrogation and more like a dance.

You won’t form a deep bond with everyone. That’s okay. You’re not everyone’s cup of tea, and, shockingly, some people don’t even like tea. (They will not be invited to my parties.) But when you’re honest about who you are, you’ll attract the ones who do enjoy your particular brew. Life’s too short for shallow connections and too demanding for relationships that drain instead of nourish.

With limited time and energy, it’s essential to invest wisely. Being your authentic self helps you find the right people, and asking the right questions helps you know if they’re worth keeping.

Now, I could go on about how to identify the right people or how to navigate inevitable interpersonal conflict, but perhaps we’ll save that for another post. For now, remember this: cultivating your village takes time, and growing deep relationships takes courage. Make the time. Ask the questions. And when someone offers you tea (whether literal or metaphorical) say yes.