Those have got to be six of the most freeing words I have ever heard uttered. They were spoken by the executive director of my internship placement and it was a lightbulb moment. As a young, budding professional still in graduate school, I often took on more than what was mine. I was shouldering burdens, piling on unnecessary stress and adding to my every growing pile of responsibilities. Seeing her close her eyes and utter those words were deeply profound, it was like getting permission to start setting boundaries around my professional and personal responsibilities even if the actions of other people affected my responsibilities. It gave me the freedom to say if someone else doesn’t get their piece done, it doesn’t mean I have to step in. 

The idiom actually comes from a Polish proverb, but its colorful imagery resonates so strongly that it needed almost no translation when it crossed over to the English speaking world. It perfectly encapsulates personal boundaries and discretion, encouraging us to consider where our responsibilities lie. We we invoke this phrase it means that we must practice discernment about what is ours to handle and what we have to others handle. It helps us prioritize our energy and attention rather than leaping to intervene. It also helps us relinquish control to others. 

I can at times be a bit of a control freak. This probably stems from perfectionism and anxiety. I want to do a good job; I want to be helpful; I want the whole group to do well, and I want to know that it’s done. This means that if someone else on the team isn’t doing their part, I just step in and take over without necessarily being asked or considering that maybe the other person was in the process of doing it, just not on my timeline. This means that sometimes I jump in and just do for someone rather than allowing them to do it themselves.

I was on the receiving end of this once and I was rather annoyed. I was working with a partner in class and we had split the parts of the project it was due in three weeks. Not a week after the assignment, she had completed the entire thing, robbing me of the experience of learning and I was worried I’d get a bad grade on the project because she didn’t let me do anything. It communicated a lack of trust and a poor assessment of my skills. So, instead of both of us being happy with the work and doing well, she felt resentful and overburdened and I felt insulted. 

My mother is also someone who has needed to learn this phrase. She is a go-getter and also a bit of a perfectionist- I can’t imagine where I got my perfectionistic trait from, ‘tis a mystery that only the wisest of sages shall ever be able to solve. Alas, us mere mortals shall simply have to remain in the dark. 

My mother too has fallen into the trap taking on that which was not hers. I saw this play out in her stories from her job. Where one of her co-workers would fall behind and leave work undone. My mother, being the responsible person that she is, would complete her work and then help that person. Well, that person kept leaving more and more work for my mother. Until, she would simply never do anything she didn’t feel like doing leaving my mother feeling resentful and angry. The final straw was when my mother’s supervisor tried to start holding my mother accountable for the undone work instead of her fellow employee! 

So you can see dear reader, the dangers that lurk when one forgets which monkeys belong to your circus and which monkeys belong to the other persons. Your relationships with others suffer. You may reinforce the idea that the person is a failure and can’t be trusted with responsibility undermining their sense of competency and self-worth. You may find them upset that you rob them of opportunities to grow and try. You may find that they take advantage of you by constantly passing on the responsibility to you. You will also find that you’re overburdened and burned out. You will be resentful towards those whose responsibilities you now hold. One thing we know about resentment is that it is a relationship killer. It often leads to anger, fuels criticism and feeds contempt. 

This phrase is part of setting boundaries, of knowing where you start and stop. It is not my responsibility to get my neighbor to mow his lawn, even though the tall grass might annoy me. Going over there and mowing the lawn for him, may be seen as a nice gesture, but only if I knocked on the door and asked if he would like some assistance. Otherwise, it’s trespassing on private property and socially unacceptable. While it may be nice for me to watch my friend’s child when she goes to the hospital, it’s not my responsibility to do so and if I can’t watch the child because I have other responsibilities that I need to take care of, those needs come before hers. It is not my responsibility to complete the work of my neighbor, partner, parent, friend, co-worker or anyone else. 

My co-worker recently asked if I could switch on-call weeks with her. I almost said yes, but then checked my calendar. I had an appointment that weekend and I purposefully had not taken the on-call phone so I could keep that appointment. I told her no. The on-call phone was not my monkey that week and it wasn’t my problem that she had forgotten about her plans that weekend when she agreed to take it. She did get another co-worker to switch, but had I not heard that phrase I probably would have said yes and then felt resentful and angry if I had gotten called that weekend. 

When I can clearly see what monkeys belong in my circus, I can focus on the things that I am responsible for and let go of what I am not. This freeing phrase is a stable of my life and I hope, dear reader, it becomes a stable of yours.