It has been noted by my fellow therapists that I am exceptionally good at what is called “reframing” or the practice of looking at a seemingly negative circumstance and seeing the positives in it. Even something like a loss may be reframed in a positive light despite the pain of the loss.
A forest fire is painful, but necessary for the life cycle of the forest. Loss in life is the same. The part that burned will take years, even decades to recover and the marks of the fire do remain even centuries later, else we would not find it in the records of the forest. However, without the fire new growth could not happen and the forest would ultimately suffer.
Consider the loss of a relationship after a break up. This could be a very good thing. After all, we only have so much time to cultivate and grow our relationships with other people. On average, we can really only maintain about 200 relationships, if someone leaves, what a delightful opportunity this could be! You may spend your energy elsewhere, growing deeper more meaningful relationships with those you already spend time with or it leaves you open to a new one. It is not to devalue the relationship that you had or have, people are not cogwheels easily replaced. We should also not adopt an attitude of not valuing relationships at all, having deep and meaningful relationships are important to our mental health and well-being. It is to say that we should mourn the loss and allow ourselves the opportunity to grow.
The reframe is not about finding a silver lining or putting a false positive “spin” on the facts. It is about not dwelling and getting ourselves mired in the muck. We are like cameras shifting our focus from the foreground where all the action is to the background where the action is about to happen. So often you’ll be watching a movie with a battle scene and right before the reinforcements arrive, the scene shifts to a blurry hill and then just as the cavalry crests the hill, it comes sharply into frame. That’s the reframe! It’s about focusing on what is going well or what could go well rather than what is going wrong or about to go wrong.
The cynical reader will rightly be grumbling about now about how the calvary doesn’t always come and the loss of the relationship didn’t result in any positive outcomes. This is true dear reader! Life can often seem terribly unjust and it is one catastrophe after another! A silver lining person may say something trite about how you gained all this resilience and built all this character. Character is nice and all but it doesn’t keep a roof over my head or food in my belly – unless you’re an actor then I suppose that’s sort of the job.
My response to this is that it isn’t helpful to dwell on the negative. Absolutely, acknowledge it, process it, be emotionally honest about the problems and then shift your focus to a growth mindset. You should never try to invalidate or suppress your feelings because that leads to its own problems. It isn’t helpful to impose self-limiting beliefs when you’re already in a limiting situation. This isn’t about false hope. My reframes are often from a very pragmatic and practical mindset focusing on positive things and trying to build on those positive items because that is what works.
Reframing is always asking if there is another way to view this issue. It challenges the current thought process to consider if your view realistic, is it based on facts or feelings, what other theories could you come up with to explain this situation, is it as black and white as you may think it is and is your view out of habit or is there something there to support it? It’s about questioning the current narrative to one where you can take steps towards the things you want. When we reframe, we remove roadblocks that we don’t even realize we set up.
The earlier reframe about a loss relationship is a direct challenge to the idea that it was the ONLY quality relationship a person could have and that without that relationship the person would die alone. By looking at it as an opportunity to cultivate the current relationships or allow a new relationships the narrative shifts from one of hopelessness to one of hope, from one of being closed off to relationships to openness to them.
Reframing about opening ourselves up to different stories that allow us to shape more desirable endings. It empowers you to take those negative thoughts around a problem and transform them into potential solutions. We aren’t able to control very much in this crazy chaotic world that we live in, but we can control our thoughts and how to respond to all the craziness that happens. When we overly focus on the negative aspects of a given issue, we give those more power than they have a right to have. By working to reframe, we shift the power back to ourselves, and place ourselves in a position to pivot to the opportunities that the universe presents us with.
Budget Bliss: Bucket List 