I spend quite a bit of my time here writing about having a positive outlook. I talk about looking at challenges as opportunities, to focus on the blessings you have and going with the flow. These are all good things to do.
However, there are times when life sucks. Sure you may have lost your job and the magical opportunity for a new one may be just around the corner, but in the meantime you still have to pay the electric bill and put food on your table. That’s stressful and it stinks. Sometimes you get terrible news about your health. I suppose good things can come of having cancer but let us not pretend it will be a picnic or that in general life is much better having not had cancer. I have yet to meet a single person with a chronic illness who says the “perks” are worth the price. I know I have written about how lost relationships can be opportunities for new ones to come into our lives, but a loss through death isn’t something that should be reframed in that light.
It would be emotional dishonesty to not allow yourself the time to really process the negative emotions. Skipping over the “suck” right to the positive rainbows and unicorns of positive thinking renders positive thinking into exactly that, useless positive thoughts. Repressing our emotions is not healthy. If we are hurt, sad or angry, we need to let ourselves fully feel them first before we can move forward. Like a small child our emotions deserve more than a cold “buck up”. They deserve a warm hug and an understanding ear. They deserve acknowledgement and compassion.
How do we feel when we try to express ourselves to a loved one only to have them rush us through because they cannot sit in our discomfort? Do we feel seen or even valued? Why do we do this to ourselves?
I try to approach myself in the way I might a dear friend when trying to offer genuine comfort. The key is to be curious about what’s really going on rather than offering trite “it will be okay” or “well at least….” I may ask myself why I am so worried. I may ask some challenging questions to stop turning my worries into a catastrophe or even ask okay well if the worst does happen then what? I may ask myself what beliefs about myself I’m currently cultivating or if the situation is a threat to my sense of identity. These are all hard questions that can be difficult to face, but face them I must if I am to truly get down in the muck and embrace the suck. I often find that journaling out the emotions to examine them is the most helpful exercise. I can look at the entries for themes and underlying negative beliefs that ought to be challenged. I can see when I’ve blown something out of proportion.
Often by working through the emotions and acknowledging the truth of the situation as one that is objectively awful to go through, I can start to shift into a genuinely positive state. I can find ways to look at the situation as a place of opportunity. I may look at the situation as a time for me to grow closer to God and renew my faith. I can feel true gratitude for being in such a place at this time. I can say that while not a great experience, it is a necessary one for my own personal growth. This is not always the case, after having a terminal cancer diagnosis isn’t going to suddenly become a good thing with a few journal entries and some light cognitive behavioral therapy. Potentially losing your home and becoming homeless may later on be a great thing because it helped you get your life on a better track and even led to you being eligible for a program that got you permanently out of poverty, but the process is not fun by any stretch of the imagination. It is often extremely traumatizing and trauma isn’t something to be covered up with fairy stickers and glitter.
However, only by working through negative emotions, even trauma, can we begin to move beyond them to the place where we want to be. As long as we ignore them and suppress them, they will continue to rule our lives popping up in the form of anxieties, doubts, negative self-talk, poor self-esteem, depression, sleep disorders and other psycho-somatic and psychological symptoms. We’re not just trying to cross off things on our bucket lists, we’re striving to live life to the fullest and be the best possible versions of ourselves. After all, if we don’t deal with the things that are bothering us, then we may fall into the trap of hedonism and escapism, not fully experiencing life because we’re too numb to feel.
So embrace, the suck, feel it deeply and fully, cry, scream, yell, punch your pillow, throw something at the wall and watch it shatter! Seriously, go to Goodwill buy some $2 cups and go nuts! Just don’t damage your walls, ensure pets and small children are clear from the area, warn your partner/roommates. Or smash it to bits with a hammer! Put it in a plastic bag wrap it in an old towel and enjoy! Do whatever you need to do to get your emotions out and feel some catharsis. It’s only when we’re emotionally honest and recognize our negative feelings, that we can really begin to process them.
Budget Bliss: Bucket List 