With the age of the internet and cell-phones work has managed to invade almost every aspect of our lives. People have stopped talking about work-life balance and talk about things like blending work and life together. Which is really short hand to say, having no boundaries with work and work being able to take precedence in your everyday life. It has even begun to take over things like people’s vacations. 

In countries like France, they’ve adopted the right to disconnect meaning your work may not send you emails after work hours. Some companies have a system in place where if you’re on PTO any email is automatically responded to with “this person is on vacation and your email has been deleted, please reach out to this other team member”. I LOVE these. We should work to live, not live to work. Setting appropriate boundaries with work and holding to them is both difficult and extremely rewarding. 

No wonder we dream of packing up and leaving our homes. Our homes are no longer sanctuaries from work. Instead it follows us to the door, hounding us with phone calls and emails. Sometimes seemingly frantic demands during your off hours. I’m going to hazard a guess that you dear reader are not in the medical profession and therefore are not tasked with the life and death of others. This means that since no one is going to die if you don’t answer that email at 9 pm, maybe it can wait until 8 am. What objectively are  you going to accomplish at 9 pm that cannot be done at 8 am? It will probably take you twice as long to accomplish it late at night than in the morning, when you’re awake and refreshed, especially when adding in the inevitable and natural human response of grumbling to yourself and emotionally having to process this unwanted demand on your private time. 

Rest is important to our functioning, our physical health, our mental well-being, our emotional wellness and spiritual wellness. Paradoxically, when we’re allowed to rest our work performance and output increases rather than decreases. Unfortunately, companies fail to understand that thinking they can just continue to push us to get more results.When we keep work at work and home at home, it allows us to thrive in both places. Once we start blending the two, it can be hard to perform well at either. You find yourself torn in two trying to constantly please two masters. You allow work to encroach on your life so you don’t meet the obligations of the home so then home may start to encroach on your work. It feeds anxieties, worries and distractions. You start to need more and more time to talk out your emotions and process which only robs you of more precious moments and gets you further behind. Just writing this makes me want to scream in frustration. How is anyone supposed to thrive let alone survive in such conditions?  

If you are hourly, you’re probably not tracking this time and ensuring you’re getting reimbursed. If you are, you’re likely getting push back for it. If you’re salaried you have to consider that every hour you work extra is time you aren’t getting back and you aren’t getting paid for, thus lowering your hourly salary. Consider working for 50,000 a year. At 40 hours a week that’s about $24 an hour. If you consistently work closer to 50, you’re now lowering your rate to $19. Would you really do all that you’re doing for $19 an hour? Because you are. By working so many extra hours, your company is essentially robbing you. Even just 1 hour each evening still adds up to 5 extra hours a week or $21 an hour. You’re allowing them to undervalue you and it also means they will continue to not hire the help they clearly need by you enabling this behavior. If protecting your rest time isn’t motivating enough to start setting some boundaries, this monetary incentive should be. 

So what does setting boundaries look like? Well first, what is a boundary?The American Psychological Association defines boundaries as the psychological demarcations that protect the integrity of an individual or group, or that help someone or a group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity. In the most basic terms, it’s about what’s okay and what’s not okay. A boundary isn’t about controlling the other person, that’s impossible. It’s about when person x does y, what will you do? 

Your boss or work colleague will continue to email you even if you request he or she stop. It can be as simple as refusing to answer until the next business day. It could be setting your phone to “do not disturb” and communicating to your boss that after work, your phone goes to “do not disturb”. Some phones let you select which apps and phone numbers to block when which can be really helpful. It could be having a frank conversation about your contracted hours and how often you’re going over them. Letting your boss know that you’re no longer willing to go over your hours without additional compensation because you’re not contracted to (if you have a contract of course). It may be asking your boss to then prioritize the duties and re-allocate them to other team members if you do not have enough time in your day to complete everything they are demanding of you. Some bosses don’t even realize how much they’re asking you to do until you show them. They may even have tricks or strategies to help you structure your day better. Not every boss who has you working overtime is nefarious, sometimes they just don’t know how much you’re doing or how you’re struggling. Use your voice and speak up. 

It is important to remember that someone else’s poor boundaries does not give them the right to violate yours. It can be very tempting to give in when other people around you consistently allow their boundaries to be violated. You may fear not looking like a team player or missing out on a promotion. The thing is, in most companies, you are no longer rewarded for going above and beyond. It’s often easier to get a promotion or pay raise going to another company than sticking with your current job. That’s why quiet quitting or “acting your wage” was trending as a movement. The reality wasn’t that people were quitting working, rather they were setting healthy boundaries with their company and refusing to be taken unfairly advantage of. 

It will probably look different depending on your company’s culture and your boss. It’s easy for me to say “turn your phone to “do not disturb”, refuse to answer work emails until the next day”, but if your boss berates you if you don’t respond immediately or continues to send escalating emails that will make it more difficult. Especially if you feel you need this job and it’s currently difficult to simply go get another one. So it may be responding with “I saw your email boss and I put your request on my calendar to get done first thing in the morning.” rather than simply ignoring it. You still responded, but you didn’t immediately get it completed on your off hours. It’s a small but important step. Once they start accepting that initial boundary, you may find it easier to follow up with “Hey I’m not going to keep sending you a response that I saw your email, just trust that I will see it and get it done like I’ve been doing”. It may be having a conversation with your boss letting them know that you want to be a team player, and you’d like to know which requests are expected to be answered right away and which requests can wait until the next day. Maybe your boss doesn’t even realize that you don’t know you can wait until the next day to respond. Only you know your boss and your company’s culture to know what approach is right for you. It may also involve going to therapy to get coaching on how to set boundaries if you’re someone who struggles with pleasing people or assertiveness. 

We want to live rich and meaningful lives, but how can we if our jobs are always lurking around every corner of our lives, demanding our time, energy and sacrifice while giving us so little in return? It’s time to return to work being at work and home being at home, keeping those spheres separated to allow us to thrive in both. I always do my best work when I hold to strong boundaries and I think that my performance allows me to back up that claim when I’ve had to speak with my supervisor or colleagues about my boundaries. I do let them know I’m available for emergencies and I define what emergencies look like and what they aren’t. 

Am I perfect with this? No, but I always found that the more I’ve held to my boundaries the better work I do at work and the less burned out I feel because I am able to get the necessary break every day not just when I escape to another state or country. The reality it this, soon you will be dead and then all the emails, powerpoints, deadlines and team meetings will be meaningless. No one gets to the end of their life and wishes they had spent more time at work. They wish they had spent more time with their children or their pets. They wish they had prioritized their personal relationships more than their work colleagues. They wish they had taken the time to learn a language, play and instrument or pursue their hobbies. Life is too short to work all the time, work to live, don’t live to work.