In my earlier post, The Secret to Lifelong Friendships, I talked about how showing up isn’t enough. Friendship, real friendship, requires discernment. We only have so much time and energy, and it’s important to invest those precious resources in people who truly deserve them.
But how do you know who those people are?
Several years ago, I stumbled across a short clip that’s stuck with me ever since. I wish I could credit the original creators, but the message has taken root (pun intended) in my mind all the same. They explained that there are three kinds of people in your life: leaves, branches, and roots. Once you hear it, you’ll never look at your relationships the same way again.
The Leaves
Leaves are lovely things—bright, colorful, full of life. They make the tree beautiful for a time, dancing in the sunlight. But when the season changes, they do too. They fade, fall, and blow away.
Leaves are the people who come into your life for a season. Maybe it’s a college roommate you clicked with instantly, a coworker who made a tough job bearable, or a friend who was exactly who you needed for that chapter of your life. They bring joy and color, but they aren’t meant to stay.
It’s easy to mourn when a leaf drifts away. You might think, What did I do wrong? But often, nothing went wrong at all. Their purpose in your story was simply fulfilled.
Leaves aren’t bad. They’re just temporary. And that’s okay.
After all, we’re all leaves in someone’s life at some point. Even as a therapist, I remind myself that I’m a leaf for my clients. I’m there for a specific season, to help them heal, but not to continue into their next one. Leaves are beautiful for their ephemeral nature and I treasure the memory of those who have been leaves in my own journey.
The Branches
Branches are trickier. They seem sturdy, reliable, and capable of holding weight. They’re there year after year, and you might trust them to always be there, until one day, a storm hits, and that branch snaps.
Branches are the people who seem like roots. They’re present for birthdays, celebrations, even crises. You lean on them, and for a time, they hold you up. But when life gets heavy or messy, they can’t always bear the load.
Sometimes a branch breaks because they’re dealing with their own storm. Sometimes it’s because the relationship was only meant to grow to a certain point. Either way, it hurts, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t serve a purpose.
Not everyone has the capacity to be more than a branch in your life. Some people are meant to offer shade, not structure. The key is to recognize the difference before you climb too high and find yourself falling.
The Roots
And then, there are the roots.
Roots don’t look like much. They’re hidden underground, unglamorous, and often unnoticed. But they’re the reason the tree stands tall through every season. Roots are the reason a fallen tree can seemingly rise up as a new sprout from the ashes of destruction.
Roots are the ones who anchor you when the winds howl. They draw strength from deep places and share it freely. They know your history and love you anyway. They notice your silences. They show up not only when it’s convenient but when it’s costly.
Roots are rare, and they deserve to be cherished. You don’t need many, just a few that go deep enough to hold you steady.
These are the relationships that you should nurture and prioritize most, because they will be there when the leaves have faded and the branches have failed you.
How to Tell Who’s Who
So how do you know if someone’s a leaf, branch, or root? Here are a few clues:
Consistency reveals character. Does their care depend on convenience? Leaves and branches often vanish when the weather turns cold; roots stay, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Depth over drama. Branches can be fun and lively, but roots go deep. They’re not always loud, but their love has substance.
Mutual growth. A root relationship nourishes both sides. If you’re always pouring out but never being replenished, you might be watering a branch.
Conflict doesn’t end it. Roots can handle disagreement. Leaves blow away at the first strong wind.
Time tests truth. You don’t truly know what someone is until you’ve been through a few seasons together, joy, loss, distance, and change. Roots endure them all.
One Last Thought
Not everyone is meant to be a root in your life, and that’s okay. You aren’t meant to be a root for everyone who is in your life. We are all playing those three parts for various people in our lives. I am a leaf for my therapy clients, a branch for my friends and acquaintances but I am a root for my closest friends and family.
Leaves and branches have their beauty and their purpose. The goal isn’t to cut them off, it’s to recognize them for what they are so we are able to make wise decisions with whom to trust and count on.
What matters most is that we know where to invest our energy and learn to celebrate people for the role they play, not the one we wish they’d fill.
Because friendship, like a tree, thrives when we tend to the roots, and let the leaves fall when it’s time.
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