Your Loved Ones Will Not Be Around Forever

Growing up, there was a cross stitch that hung on the wall of our house. On it was an except from “A Song for the Seventh Child” and it ended with the following line “Cleaning and scrubbing can wait ‘till tomorrow, for children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow, so quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep, I’m rocking my baby ‘cause babies don’t keep.” 

One might wonder why such a thing stayed with me all these years, not yet having children. However, I have almost always had a beloved cat or dog and they grow old as I’ve learned to my own sorrow. There are moments when the dishes sit undone because a cat is snuggling on my lap. In fact, when my sister lived with us there was an established rule that if a cat decided to sit on you, the other sister did the dishes. It might seem like a strange thing but both of us agreed that it was more important to spend the time giving love and attention to a creature who would only be with us a short time than to fuss over whose turn it was to wash dishes. What was more important? 

If I can apply that to pets, how much more to people? Almost no one gets to the end of their lives thinking they should have worked more or spent more time at the office. So often the refrain is “I should have spent more time with my family and friends. I should have made time for my children when they needed me. I should have snuggled my puppy just a little while longer.” Nor do we know how much time we really have with anyone. 

My sister hugging me at graduation; she made sure to be there for me.

I have been surprised by the number of classmates already lost to accidents and diseases even though I’m not yet 40. The expectation is that you won’t hear of loss so young and that you won’t face the news of their passing until you’re well into your 70’s or 80’s. Car accidents happen, cancer happens, life happens. I’ve shared my mother had a stroke at 46 and clots in both her lungs in her late 50’s. These are precious moments you won’t get back so choose how you spend them wisely! 

Furthermore, it is important to make sure we are cultivating relationships with our loved ones. There are plenty of stories to illustrate that when you do not prioritize your loved ones, your loved ones will find people who do. You may find yourself having built a beautiful life of loneliness without those you care about. How empty it must be to work so hard and sacrifice so much only to have accidentally sacrificed the thing you were working so hard to provide for? In the pursuit of a goal, you may lose contact with friends and family, over time they may simply conclude that you do not care about them, unless  you make the time to be there. Be careful about what you give up when chasing a dream even if the dream is for a good reason. 

There are times when I do consider pursuing higher things, pushing myself further, adding yet another hobby or taking on yet another responsibility. But then I consider what I would give up. The time I would miss out on spending with my friends, my family and yes, my cats. When such thoughts tempt me, I make a nice cup of tea, lay on my bed to have my cats nestle next to me and settle in for an afternoon of reading and snuggles. I have yet to regret a day spent with cats or those I love dearly. 

Taking time out of my day to snuggle a cat.

The Long Haul 

We live in a right now world. We have amazon next day delivery. We have Netflix to stream movies directly to us. We can download our videogames off steam. Instantly find the answer using google. There are few things in life that we have to wait for which fuels our desire for instant gratification. Even a lot of our bucket list items are intended for an afternoon or a week. We spent the week backpacking through a European country, cross it off the list. It may have required some forethought and planning, but it was still done relatively quickly. But what about those things that require a long time, like learning a language or losing a lot weight? How about mastering a skill like blacksmithing or an instrument?

Learn German in 90 days! As someone who took it for 8 years of her life and spent 5 months in the country speaking it, the book is a failure. It wasn’t even useful as a review of the language after not speaking it for nearly 10 years. Get massive biceps gains in just one day with this crazy method! I had nothing to lose but a day, my biceps were sore. They did not grow massively, I assure you. Fad diets and diet pills are probably the worst of these items because not only do they not work in the long run, they can be incredibly damaging. They do not help you keep the weight off and may impact your health in the long term to make managing weight even more difficult than before. 

At the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin. Learning German wasn’t done in a day, but years.

Some of our goals and experiences are going to be things we have to do for the long haul. You want to learn a skill and not just try a skill, you’re going to have to put in the time, effort and sometimes expense to do so. I could do the free version of duolingo but after 5 mistakes, I would either have to wait hours for the hearts to recharge or purchase more hearts. I may as well pay for the monthly plan to help me achieve my language learning goals as I am reviewing German and learning Spanish. I’ve been at it for almost a year now and my German is almost back to where it was at the end of college, and my Spanish is still very basic. Granted, I only spend about 15 minutes a day on either language so because I don’t put in my time, my results aren’t as fast.

If I truly wanted to learn how to forge weapons, I would need to go weekly to the forge, buy my own steel and work hard to develop the skills necessary to make beautiful weapons. Heck if I really wanted to learn how to do it, I would learn smelting as well to master the entire process. Not only would this require time, it would require me to sacrifice other things as well. One can either be a jack of all trades or a master of one. If I spent my time at the forge, I probably wouldn’t have time to devote to my violin. My choosing the violin, I am saying no to many other activities that might fill my time. I’m not drawing or taking photographs. I’m not learning computer programming. Pursuits that I have at times toyed with but ultimately did not devote myself to. 

Sometimes we dabble in things, we may for instance take a six of twelve week course in photography or ceramics. We may take a single lesson in glassblowing or falconry. We know that these things will not confer onto us any modicum of true skill, but the taste is enough to satisfy. These are another form of “good enough” which I discussed in another post. 

However, for something we truly want to master. It requires something we have seemingly precious little of, time. One cannot become fluent in a language with a workshop or a twelve week class. It took me nearly eight years to become conversational in German and that was with semi-daily practice as I took it in both High School and college. It became quite stagnant with disuse. For one to be able to say one is fluent in a language it requires daily practice and use or else the most you will be able to say is that at one time you were fluent, but no longer. Oh it comes back quickly enough when you’re thrown in a situation requiring the language, but you are clumsy and stupid with it, the rules have gotten all muddled up in your brain and really why did the ancients insist on such an obtuse grammatical rule as changing the article based on the case? Why can’t the German “the” be, “Der, die, das, den, dem, or des”?

Taking a glass blowing class: To become proficient would takes weeks, to master would take years.

I encourage you to be judicious with the things you pick and not to overindulge in your ideas of what could be. I devote myself to just a few daily pursuits because frankly, I am a busy person. I haven’t the time to do much else. I have carefully chosen a few things that I want to do well that speak to me personally more than other activities and rarely skip on doing them. Attempting to cram in more items would mean not doing any of them all that well and I may as well not bother with more than the occasional workshop or short course on the subject. 

Now dear reader, you will not be able to become a multilingual, black belt in karate, computer engineer, doctor, guitar player, chess grandmaster, and astronaut, not unless you suddenly come into a lot of wealth and find yourself with both the time, discipline, coaches and tutors to achieve such a thing. Even then I would imagine, it would take a good ten years or so to achieve any of that. If you are not willing to put in the time and effort, it would be best to eliminate the mastery of the thing and go with simply trying the thing instead. There is nothing wrong with that and no shame in the decision. Some people are meant to be jacks-of-all-trades and masters-of-none and there are those who are meant to master one thing and be amazing at it. This is what you must consider dear reader. There are things that you want to accomplish that will not be done on a weekend or in two or three months. They may be life long pursuits that require daily practice to truly achieve the things you want to achieve with them. They will require you to give up other items in order to make room for them. By all means pick that which gives you joy and makes your heart sing. The journey will be long, frustrating and trying, but the reward will be sweet.