I absolutely love this truth. For some, dear reader, this may seem a bit scary even mean. However, consider this from another angle, if you are not responsible for your own happiness who is? The answer of course is other people. Other people whom you cannot control and who may not have your own interests and needs in mind, let alone your happiness. And if they’re responsible for your happiness, does that make you responsible for theirs? Does that mean that you are expected to sacrifice yourself to their whims and desires in order to make them happy? How can you possibly be expected to know what will make them happy?
We humans are such fickle creatures and are almost never really satisfied. How can we all collectively be responsible for other people’s happiness and never our own? This constant cycle of pleasing people without thought to our own happiness can only leave us all miserable and unhappy. How freeing is it to say that “I am responsible for my happiness and you are responsible for yours”?
It is a reclamation of our own autonomy and choice. It frees us of the shackles of other people’s actions and reliance on them to do the “right thing” and allows us to fully stand in our own power. There are countless stories of human resilience, where people in terrible conditions were still able to choose not happiness but deep abiding joy. These are people who fully embraced their own power and would not allow their joy to be robbed by their oppressors or abusers. It was a way to take back what power they could to refuse to allow a prison to be one.
It is not easy to choose joy. It is not easy to be positive in the face of terrible circumstances and sometimes we do need to “sit in the suck”. I’m not an advocate of toxic positivity, because I don’t believe in suppressing negative emotions. I also don’t believe in feeding negative emotions. There is a time and place to process what’s going on, but not to swim in it, ‘till your fingers get all pruny. Acknowledge the “suck”, say it stinks, allow yourself to feel the unfairness, the injustice and general stink of whatever the situation is. Then cultivate your choices and possible responses.
This entire blog is devoted to a positive response of “the suck”. I did not have the time, energy and resources to live out a certain lifestyle. I could have easily gotten stuck in a negative mindset that I would never get to do the things I dreamed about doing. That I would continue to wish my life away and watch the years tick by until I was too old and sick to even enjoy the things even if I finally managed to save up the money to go do them. It would have been easy to shake my fist at a system that prevents so many people from making positive steps forward with stagnant wages, inflation and other social ills and give up. Instead, I looked around at what I could do instead. The answer was, I could do a lot. As it turns out, it allowed me to live out my values better than the original plan.
I did not have to rely on anyone to change the system. I simply went off and started making different choices. I choose to reevaluate my local community and see it in a new light. I choose to find happiness in the little things, seeing even small moments as things worthy of a bucket list. I will most likely write a post at a later date and time about cultivating daily gratitude, because that is what has helped to cultivate my happiness the most. I choose joy and I choose to be responsible for my own happiness. What a wonderful and freeing feeling that has been.
Full disclosure: This is a more expensive bucket list item and required travel.
When I was a little girl, I had asked for a book on astronomy for Christmas. I had always had an interest in the stars and heavenly events. I was fascinated by the movements of the planets and the constellations. I wanted to know more about this great universe and at times the sheer vastness was somewhat terrifying. The infinite can be quite overwhelming to a child below the age of 10. This is perhaps why I also have an appreciation for eldritch horror.
At the very front of this book was a list of eclipses both lunar and solar in North America and was devastated to learn that I would not get the opportunity until 2017 or 2024. I longed to be able to see it and the passage of nearly 20 to 30 years was almost as unfathomable as the breadth of the universe itself. Time of course passed and I grew into an adult. I had half forgotten about the solar eclipses as a dream put to the side, when I read an article online that reminded me of such a momentous event was going to occur in North America in the summer of 2017. Now granted, in truth total solar eclipses do occur with some frequency, but not in the same place which is what makes them seem rare, so one would be correct in stating it isn’t that momentous. However, the ability to travel to see one isn’t readily available.
I was lucky in that the event happened to coincide with my friend’s 30th birthday which kick started all of us turning 30 that year, so naturally we had to travel down south to see it. Her parents also wanted to see it and invited her and her friends to stay with them in a very nice hotel for a week down at the beach. We were quite pleased to see the budget for the event cut down significantly by their generosity. However, luck would not be with us, for upon the moment of totality, after carefully watching the path of the moon across the sun in the oppressive heat of a southern summer in August, the clouds came in and ruined the experience. The disappointment I felt was almost as crushing as the heat. The rest of the week was still quite pleasant, so I do recommend if you are going to travel somewhere for an eclipse to do so in an area you want to visit if having to go more than a few hours from your home.
Naturally, I checked the calendar for when the next eclipse would occur and waited eagerly to hatch my plan to view it. This path was a more auspicious one for me as it passed within a few hours drive of my house. In 2023, I began to plan more seriously considering exactly how far away I wanted to book my hotel and drive to totality knowing that hotels would be booking up quickly and highly expensive in the path of totality.
However, my mother had other plans, better plans. She had recently rekindled a friendship with an old college friend who lived in Vermont, Sheila. They both had been saying how we should come up and visit her on her small farm. With her being so near the path of totality, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to go up. She reached out and planned an extended weekend at Sheila’s and also reached out to my “Uncle” Jay to possibly stay in the greater Boston area after the eclipse. With our “hotels” booked, we had hatched a plan.
On the Saturday before the eclipse, we drove the six hours up to Vermont, listening to an audio book and enjoying the scenery of Pennsylvania, New York and Vermont. We made infrequent stops to maximize our travel time. Pro-tip, if you are traveling through many small towns and need the restroom remember libraries are your friend! We were driving off the beaten path and needed to heed the call of nature. Unsure of where we could go for relief, I happened to spot a sign for a local library as we drove by. I made a small u-turn and parked just outside. The librarian was friendly to two road weary travelers. Support your local libraries friends for they are one of the last true public spaces for all.
We arrived at Sheila’s in the later hours of the evening, met her two dogs Quinn and Filipa, her two ragdoll cats and their adorable five kittens. I honestly could have died happy just meeting the kittens. They were the cutest balls of fluff you ever saw! We also met her two sons Danny and Astir. On Sunday morning, I was introduced to her three Icelandic horses and even got to ride one [post here]. On Sunday afternoon, we mostly relaxed, spending a little bit of time exploring the small Vermont towns nearby to give our hostess a break from entertaining guests. We took time to take in the mountains. The majestic nature of the Vermont mountains cannot be understated dressed as they were in their finest late snow cover and evergreens. The crisp air carried the promised scent of spring not yet realized. We stopped at a mom and pop store to sample and purchase maple syrup. We perused the local art gallery for our token souvenirs [post here].
On Monday, it was the main event. The eclipse wasn’t to start until the afternoon, so we had plenty of time to go to brunch at a town about 40 minutes north of Sheila’s home. We took time to see another small town before heading up the mountain for the prime viewing spot. Something that was quite extraordinary for my nerd heart, was that the property where we were invited to was owned by none other than an astronomer who assisted on the Hubble telescope.
It was quite the crowd of neighbors considering the population density of the state. Many people had extra eclipse glasses ready in case someone needed a pair. We took turns using a colander as a pin hole camera to see the path of the eclipse. One neighbor brought food with him to share. Some people read books as they waited while others drank beer. This time the clouds stayed away, the sky was crystal clear and the stage was set.
It is difficult to describe the totality of an eclipse. Throughout the time of the partial leading up to totality, the light begins to diffuse and everything begins to lose its color. The temperature begins to drop and a light wind breezes through dissipating most of the remaining clouds. Seemingly without warning, the moon slips in front of the sun and her shadow plunges the world into a strange twilight. Sunset is on every horizon, the temperature finishes dropping by 10 degrees. Pictures do not do it justice because cameras are made for light, which means most pictures or videos of the eclipse show the black orb of the moon surrounded by fuzzy light. That isn’t what it looks like in truth. In truth, it is a black orb ringed by a thin silver line. Your mind while understanding logically what is happening still has its primal alarm bells ringing of the otherworld breaking through to this one. It is easy to imagine how the ancients would have seen it as disfavor from the gods or an ill omen, when the very light of day is blackened, when the star itself is put out, what else can it be? All too quickly, it passes, the moon continues her dance across the sky heedless of her shadow and the small creatures she has awed. The light comes back and day resumes its throne.
After nearly thirty years of waiting, I had finally seen my dream become a reality. It took two trips and some luck, but I had made it happen.
You may dear reader be wondering what such a thing has to do with my blog about bucket list items on a budget, especially when the next eclipse won’t be until 2045 and I did arguably spend a lot more money than most of my items. There are several reasons, the first is to remind you that even if it is 30 years in the making, bucket list items can come true. The second is that the best lain plans of mice and men may still become a bust. I was extremely disappointed in 2017 not to see it, but the disappointment led to an amazing experience later. I would not have gone to Vermont where I got to snuggle ragdoll kittens and ride an Icelandic horse. I may not have gone to Boston as well, had I not missed out. Missing out can lead to better things. We never know what the universe has in store for us. Often it is even better than we could have imagined. There will be times when you carefully plan a bucket list item, you may like me spend a little more or travel a little further just to fulfill this experience only to have your plan dashed to pieces. These are moments of opportunity, be on the lookout for other chances and make the most of the time regardless. Even if I had missed out on totality, I still would have several other awesome experiences. The third is that there are some things that travel becomes a requirement. However, by being more frugal on our other items we will have plenty of money in the bank for these singular adventures. Lastly, there are many other astronomical events which you can keep an eye out to see. The sky is a window to a vast and amazing universe so look up and see what wonders there are to behold!
How you can complete this or something similar:
Pay attention to the news for stories of local happenings in the sky and try to make plans to either take a day off or come in late to work so you can stay up late to see it. Be aware of where the dark skies are in your area. https://www.darkskymap.com/ If you do want to see a total eclipse, you have several years to save and plan as at the time of this writing the next one will be in 2045. If you want a cheaper viewing, opt to stay at a hotel outside the zone of totality and then drive to the zone early. My sister found a Barnes & Noble to view the eclipse from. She had a comfortable place to wait, access to a cafe, a bathroom and plenty of entertainment. There were stories of people booking hotels cheaply in advance only to have the hotel cancel their service in order to charge astronomical prices. An air b’n’b was going for 1,000 a night before in the path of totality. My sister found a much cheaper option outside the area and I found some friends.
If this isn’t your cup of tea, you can still consider the principle of this item. Mainly, completing a childhood dream. I had been waiting almost 25 years to be able to see an total eclipse and while it was a more expensive item, requiring more planning and travel, it was worth it. Part of the point of spending less, while living more is so when these sorts of opportunities come around, I have the means to complete them. Keep an eye out for opportunities to pursue your dreams and don’t be afraid to jump on them.
Completed: April 8, 2024
Miles from home: 430 miles
Cost: About $600 (estimated increase without friend support: $800-900)
I recently came across a post on facebook that really resonated with me, but perhaps not in the way it was meant.
Five Harsh Truths About Life:
1. You are responsible for your own happiness.
2. The majority of your limits are self-imposed.
3. You can never fully prepare for everything life will throw at you.
4. You will mess up. The best thing you can do is learn from it and move on.
5. Your loved ones will not be around forever.
Although, I don’t know that I would call them harsh, in fact I would say these are freeing truths. In my next five posts, I will be diving into each of these truths to show you how awesome each one is and how these can free you to live your best life.
Much of what is on a bucket list may be considered a bit hedonistic. That is a criticism that some people have against them. To some people, it is a list of “empty pleasures”. Life should be spent bettering the world not chasing short term experiences you just check off a list. There may be some truth to those criticisms, but then again is it much worse than spending my days watching Netflix, scrolling through social media and spending all my money on amazon? The point of the list, for me at least, is to cultivate a sense of adventure, to explore the world, to experience life and learn about myself. It was about getting out of my house, away from the screens and living, to stop dreaming and start doing. It can in some ways be a form of self-expression. As someone whose daily profession is leaving the world a better place, having a bucket list is a form of self care.
However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t still have goals that are altruistic in nature or have reflected on past actions on my reverse bucket list that fall under the category of “leaving the world a better place”. I’ve had experiences of volunteering and sacrificing part of myself for the benefit of others that have left a positive impact on me. It is part of my own self-expression and I feel it is important to include those experiences as part of a rich life.
One of those altruistic goals was to give blood. As it turns out, I have a O+ blood type which, while it is one of the most common blood types, it is also a good donor blood type. Blood types come in A, B, AB, O and positive or negative so you can have AB+ or B- or in my case O+. The letters A and B indicate common antigens and O indicates the absence of either A or B, positive and negative indicate the presence of a common antigen or the absence of it. If you have the antigens you can receive blood without the antigen but if you don’t have the antigen you can’t receive blood that has it. Therefore, I can receive both O+ and O- but not any A, B or AB blood.
It is hard to describe the importance of blood donations. I am a daughter of two nurses, so I grew up knowing how important blood is for modern medicine. Blood allows doctors to perform miracles, to complete life saving surgeries that would normally kill a patient because of the blood loss, to treat cancer, to stop someone from dying from traumatic injury and treat chronic illnesses. A pint of blood can mean the difference between life and death and it is important to have an ongoing fresh supply.
So when my school held a blood drive in my senior year, I naturally signed up to participate. It was important to me to give back and as it turns out my family’s blood lacks other antigens than the positive. We also have “sticky” blood which makes it great for trauma victims since it helps with clotting. Even though I didn’t enjoy needles, I knew that I was making a difference when I laid down on the chair and presented my arm. It was such a small act of inconvenience for me, missing some class, a brief time of discomfort, but the impact of this life saving gift was more than worth it to me. Why wouldn’t I give up a few hours of my life to save someone else’s?
Being a positive influence in the world doesn’t always need big gestures or major political movements, sometimes something little can have a large impact. Full disclosure, I did faint when I gave blood for the first time. About 4% of people faint. It isn’t an indication of any sort of medical distress but rather a vagal nerve response. Unfortunately, I have had other medical issues over the years causing frequent issues of low iron levels which make it difficult to give blood. I hope to be able to give blood now that the underlying issue causing the frequent bouts of anemia has been addressed.
How can you donate blood?
Only about 3% of people ever donate blood and the demand for blood never ceases. It is a vital resource that cannot be replicated through other means. As they say “when you give, other’s live”. I highly encourage you, dear reader, to consider giving blood. If you cannot give blood, then consider how else you might positively impact the world.
Luckily, giving blood is fairly easy. Just call up your local branch of the American Red Cross to find out when and where they’re having their next blood drive.
In the age of social media, we are constantly being shown a carefully curated montage of other people’s lives whether that be our own friends and family or influencers. The pressure to present this picturesque life is almost constant, while the algorithms feed us a never ending message of inadequacy and insecurity. Not only that but influencers show us a steady stream of items, experiences and getaways that would “cure” all those pesky problems that we face.
I recently heard someone say “you can’t out consume an influencer.” Influencers are often given the items that they show us and can often turn around and sell those items. The items they do have to purchase are tax deductible and considered a business expense. They are paid to consume whereas the rest of us have to use our hard earned money to try and keep up with them. Not only are they getting paid to consume, many of them are making above the median income of $74,000. I certainly don’t make $74000. So yes, you can’t out consume an influencer.
No matter what you do, there will always be someone who makes more than you, is more successful, has a bigger house, goes to more places, does more things, buys more items and is considered “ahead.” Even if you manage to become the “top dog” of your current social group by moving up, you will expand your social group to include other people who are “higher status” than you. One of the reasons why when people move up the social ladder they continue to struggle to make it, is because they are trying to keep up. They get a promotion and make an extra $20,000 a year, but then they buy a better car, move to a better house, pretty soon that 20,000 isn’t going as far as it could have had they stayed where they were. But where they were often wasn’t that comfortable or perhaps, the “Joneses” convinced them that what they had wasn’t good enough.
It’s important to remember these things when considering your bucket list. I shared that I often go on an “adventure” about once a month. Most of the time it’s with my sister on our sister dates. This means that I have to pick and choose what I want to do when because I don’t have lots of time or money to be spending every weekend or most of my evenings out. Sometimes, this means putting an event on the calendar for next year in order to be able to go to a different one. Sometimes it means skipping out on something entirely.
Not every activity needs to be done or event attended. If it’s not for you don’t do it, even if it seems like the popular thing to do. You have limited time and resources so spend them wisely. It may be tempting to try and start to push the schedule to do more than once, maybe twice a month, especially when my feed starts to get filled up with events, activities, people doing things and going places. However, going out all the time means not resting and I have cats at home who have emotional needs that I am obligated to meet as their guardian. Besides, snuggling cats is on my bucket list.
Snuggling my little baby kitten!
Remember saying no to something, allows you to say yes to something else. Saying no to going out each weekend, allowed me to say yes to having pets. Saying no to some more expensive experiences, allowed me to say yes to going on a cruise with my family. Once we free ourselves of trying to keep up appearances and out competing the social media algorithm, we can start making real choices for ourselves that help us create real meaning in our experiences. We have to remember that what we often see is a facade hiding.
How many celebrities have we seen over the years share their struggles with depression, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy? How many stories have we read about the ultra rich with their empty marriages and loveless families? There are certainly celebrities that are quite happy and ultra rich who have wonderful families, but they did not create their fulfilling lives from chasing things and trying to keep up with others. Trying to keep up often fuels the negative feelings about ourselves. Recognize that you are enough, as you are. You are not your job, you are not your income, you are not less than because you have less, your value is not predicated on the things you have.
Having a bucket list has many benefits, but it should not be used to compare yourself to others or as a measuring stick of your self-worth. It isn’t about keeping up with the Joneses, it’s about living your best life right where you are.
There are many reasons to learn a language and this is something I often see on people’s bucket list. However, unlike many of the bucket list items where it is easily checked off in an afternoon, this one takes time and dedication to achieve. I know there are many different ideas around what it means to learn a language. For some people unless you are able to carry out a completely fluent conversation, you did not learn a language. For others, they may say that being able to order food at a restaurant and make their most basic needs known is being fluent. There is an international standard for language learning which goes from A1 to C2 with most countries enforcing a B1 limit on new citizens. Hence the phrase “B1 and done”. It is also nebulous in that it is a skill that needs maintenance.
I double majored in both psychology and German, but I used my psychology degree and not my German degree. I probably would have tested at a B1 or B2 at the time of my graduation, but I would currently test at an A2 level. When I first started reviewing German after a nearly ten year hiatus, I probably would have been at an A1, which demonstrates that if you don’t use it, you lose it. In the ten plus years between graduation and now, I had not used my German at all, which begs the question if in almost ten years I didn’t need it and even now don’t need it, why bother at all?
There are many reasons to learn a language that people quote, the most common, are probably B.S. for most people. How often do we encounter people from other places to establish cross-cultural friends, see a job that requires it or travel? Being a native English speaker I am blessed to know one of the most commonly spoken languages in the world, as such I have not had the difficulty of making cross-cultural friends. Over the years, I have connected with many individuals from Asia, China, South America, Africa and even the Caribbean. I’m on servers with people from all over the globe and we all speak English.
Visiting Berlin during my semester abroad
Now some people will argue that by refusing to be monolingual and expecting the world to accommodate you, that people will find that interesting or commendable. I have had mixed reviews from non-English speakers. I have been berated for not learning their language. Surprisingly enough, I was in Germany for my semester abroad and the Spaniard in the class was telling me that I insulted him by not choosing to learn Spanish. I have also been told by Germans that I shouldn’t bother to learn German and my attempts to do so were offensive and basically unless I was already fluent not to bother them. These were not the most encouraging interactions in my language learning process. I have had other very positive experiences from people when I’ve worked to learn their language, just don’t expect the process to always yield positive results.
As for jobs, unless you are in a particular sector of the economy that will be sending people abroad or working with a particular population in the human services, chances are you will not be needing anything other than English. Travel, as I have noted on this blog before, is something that we don’t really engage with more than a week (if we’re lucky) each year.
To be honest, everyone is going to come to this with their own reasons. They may be doing it for their job, for travel, to expand their mind – increase memory, creativity, attention span, and logical thinking – to get outside their own culture, to better understand languages as a whole, to improve their own native language skills, and for just plain fun. There are people who learn “fake” languages or Conlangs such as Klingon, Na’vi and Dothraki. The desire comes from wanting to fully immerse themselves in a fictionalized world and to connect with others, who like them, are obsessed with the fandom. Some people know every single fact about Taylor Swift’s life; others can hold conversations in High Valyrian. To each their own fandom!
For my own part, I have wanted to learn another language ever since I was young. I felt it was another way to explore the world. To me culture and language were linked and to truly understand a place, I needed to speak the language of that place. I loved learning about other cultures and in particular Irish and German topped my list because that’s what my family is, a mixture of Scots-Irish and German. Our area is predominately of German descent and has many German cultural influences thanks to the strong Amish and Mennonite community here. It’s quite common for us to use German phrases in English such as “it’s all” in order to say “it’s all gone” or “throw me down a pair a socks” which harkens back to the use of German reflective verbs. These are things that are unique to our area not usually found in other places of the English speaking world.
Marburg Castle, Germany
I originally tried French because of my desire to go into music and my mother really pushed for me to do French. Honestly, as a dyslexic, French is terrible. The spelling is an incomprehensible mess and I have no words. German on the other hand is actually pretty easy to spell as it is fairly consistent and logical. So in 9th grade, I made the switch to German and I’ve never looked back. Although, I am interested in learning French so long as I don’t ever have to spell anything in it.
It hasn’t always been fun. This isn’t an afternoon jaunt, this is a long slough of cognitive challenges and mind bending grammar, oblique turns of phrases and baffling cultural norms. People who gush about learning language as “fun” and “interesting” have obviously not had to spend hours trying to comprehend the ridiculousness of irregular verbs or trying to master der, die and das. A car could be der wagon or das auto, it’s a car, it should be the same gender but it’s not! There are legitimate historical reasons for this quirk, but I digress. Yet, it was always worth it to me.
Berlin Wall
Does it help me connect with others? I don’t know that it has. I haven’t found it necessary to know anything other than English, because it is one of the most common secondary languages. Some people will claim that learning a language, especially as a native English speaker when you don’t have to, makes you more interesting.
I have had mixed reviews from non-English speakers. I have been berated for not learning their language. Surprisingly enough, I was in Germany for my semester abroad and the Spaniard in the class was telling me that I insulted him by not choosing to learn Spanish and that it was clearly the superior language. I wanted to tell him that I should be commended for learning anything at all when the whole world is geared towards me not learning. I have also been told by Germans that I shouldn’t bother to learn German and my attempts to do so were offensive. Basically unless I was already fluent, I had no right to speak to them, which was baffling because how was I supposed to become fluent if I didn’t try speaking with native speakers? These were not the most encouraging interactions in my language learning process. I have had other very positive experiences from people when I’ve worked to learn their language, just don’t expect the process to always yield positive results.
However, it has been an incredibly rewarding journey to learn German and later on, Spanish. It did afford me a semester abroad which greatly expanded my horizons in the world. It has allowed me to make connections with people in my own travels that I would not otherwise be able to make. Twice, I have ended up befriending, even for an afternoon, small groups of German tourists who were delighted that I knew German. I have seen it build up connections between myself and my clients when I have spoken to them in Spanish and Haitian Creole. It hasn’t always been easy to master the languages. It has been confusing and frustrating especially when I know that I used to be able to communicate at a much higher level, but sadly time has eroded the skill.
Stefi, the adorable German woman I met while visiting Boston
I also developed a greater appreciation for those who are coming to America who don’t know the language, the challenges they face when trying to navigate our systems and the requirements on them to know how to communicate. I understand the history of Germany from their perspective and how that history unfolded. It’s given me a deeper understanding of our own history as told from an outside perspective. In the simplest terms, learning a language has expanded my horizons in ways I didn’t know it would do. Oftentimes we travel to immerse ourselves in a place, but without the language, we only dip our toe in the waters, when we learn a language we can immerse ourselves deeply without ever having to leave the couch. When we do finally arrive at a place, it’s almost like being at the house of an old friend. It’s familiar and it just “fits”. For me, staying in Germany for five months was very much like staying at a friend’s house that I’ve visited many times before. It wasn’t home, but it very much could be.
How can you learn a language?
Most of you aren’t going to be able to go to school and just join a class and college classes are extremely expensive and probably more time than you have. There are many books, computer programs and apps out there to use. I’ve used Duolingo myself and found it to be decent for reviewing my German, but not as good for learning my Spanish. The app designer himself said that he was more interested in “gamifying” language learning than being the most effective way to learn. His justification was that any learning is better than no learning and the best way to keep you learning was to focus on making it an addictive game you wanted to keep playing. There are lots of other apps available and don’t just pick the most popular because it might not be what you’re looking for. I haven’t really found other methods like books, flashcards or listening to be all that effective for me, but everyone is different, what works for me may be terrible for you. The great thing about today’s world is that it has never been easier to get access to information and tools for learning and most of it is fairly accessible. Rosetta Stone is famously good, but also famously expensive. Myself and my mom are both on the same family plan for duolingo at about $10 per month.
I think it’s important to acknowledge that many bucket list items contain cultural experiences especially when traveling. Before going further, I understand this post may ignite some heated conversations. Please, be respectful and extend understanding and grace to one another, this post is intended to encourage us all to be respectful of one another’s cultures and differences. It is not intended to guilt or shame people, and I am open to constructive, respectful feedback.
While cultural experiences can be very exciting, it can also lead to some unfortunate incidents. Even when we’re trying to engage in good faith, we may find ourselves interacting with significant, even sacred, cultural artifacts, rituals and traditions and if we don’t understand what we’re doing, we risk offense or worse. We may find ourselves attracted to the aesthetic of a culture without understanding its significance or true nature and end up utilizing items in a completely inappropriate and disrespectful manner.
Take the 90’s henna tattoo trend which was imported to the West from India. Henna is used for marriage ceremonies. The patterns utilized have deep spiritual meaning and importance. So it must have been a bit of a surprise to them to see women and girls using henna tattoos as a fun activity to do at the beach. Westerns saw them as fun, decorative temporary fashion accessories rather than tied to the ritual of marriage. Was it wrong? Perhaps. Not knowing the history, I am uncertain if it was a conscious effort on the part of Indians to share and market their culture to the west or someone from the west seeing it, thinking its pretty and selling it to girls here. Which is the much more likely story.
The Japanese Embassy here in the US invited people to come and learn how to properly wear a Kimono. The Japanese Society in Philadelphia invites the public to participate in their tea ceremonies. Hence, I am much more comfortable engaging in those sorts of things, than, say getting a Henna tattoo or box braids. For me, one is a purposeful cultural exchange, undertaken willingly by the people themselves and often comes with a sense of cultural context. The other was taken without the understanding of the culture, not untaken by the people to whom it came from and delivered to the rest of the world without a cultural context to understand it. Despite its prevalence everywhere in my childhood, it wasn’t until I was in college that I learned that Henna was tied specifically to marriage and religious festivals. I still think it’s beautiful, but until I get a sense that Indians are setting up henna tattoo stations at the mall and selling it to us willingly, I’m going to pass.
The box braids are a little more tricky because when I’ve gone to places in the Caribbean, I do see local women offering to braid anyone’s hair. It does appear to be a willing exchange of cultural expression. During my mission trip to Haiti, the women seemed to sincerely want us to participate in that part of their culture with them. It checked my boxes of are these people freely and willingly offering us this part of their culture without coercion as part of an exchange. However, if I came back to the United States with braids, it might be seen in a very different light, not as a symbol of acceptance and friendship but of stolen identity from a subculture I have not been invited to. Sometimes people within the same group may disagree on what is allowable to share and what’s not. Context matters. Do your best to engage in good faith.
Luckily, for most of the items in this blog, we’re in the United States, so it’s not quite as tricky to navigate when it’s okay in one place but not okay back home as in that example. However, it is still tricky when engaging with a culture not your own. Whether you’re near your house or not, when entering another person’s cultural space, you are no longer home and you are an outsider. Which means, you cannot simply show up and demand to participate. The first step is of course to be invited.
In general, anything open to the general public means you’ve been invited. So cultural festivals, demonstrations, concerts and parades are usually safe to assume you can come regardless of whether you’re part of the group or not, you’re a guest. It doesn’t mean you’re an “honored’ guest, you may be a tolerated one. You can reach out to a group that meets in public places and inquire if you are permitted to join, but you should not impose yourself. If there is a group dedicated to Italian Heritage and you’re not Italian, they would have every right to politely decline you attending their next dinner even if they did book it in the park or other public place. However, if they hold an Italian Festival in the park, by all means partake in the festivities. The festival is a place for them to showcase their culture, share their traditions, have us try their food, hear their music, and take pride in themselves.
Now there are some things that aren’t quite as clear cut as them putting up a banner that says “all are welcome”. My main filter is to go back to what I said earlier to some basic questions like are these people from the culture themselves, are they willingly engaging in this exchange and not due to some sort of exploitation, is there a sense of cultural context to this experience or is it divorced from the larger culture? I may ask some further filter questions to determine in the moment if I should or should not engage such as is this invitation being extended by an individual whom I have come to know well out of friendship, or a commercial venture which exploitation is more likely? Is this activity linked to any sacred or religious rituals or traditions? Am I in a place where that person is of the dominant culture or in a place where they are the minority? Even if we are in say Chinatown does that mean that they’re still the dominant culture for this area?
This isn’t to say that you should do one or the other thing, I’m only sharing with you my process for when I’m trying to determine if I am invited or imposing. The henna tattoo seems like an imposition to me, but I’m not going to tell you, dear reader, what to do or not to do. For some my threshold is too high, for others my threshold is too low. This is not intended to shame anyone or imply they are a bad person if they get a henna tattoo. I’m still learning and evolving. Maybe in a few years, I’ll come to a different conclusion and a different way to filter when I’m a guest, when I’m an imposition and when I absolutely should not participate. The point is for us to at least consider the question to try and do better than we did before in order to be respectful of others. After all, wouldn’t we want the same consideration when people come to our home towns?
As you can see, my shirt was not considered appropriate for many of the churches in Rome as it bared my shoulders.
The second step is of course to act the part of the guest. A humble, curious spirit goes a long way. If possible, try to do a little research beforehand of proper etiquette especially if going to a culturally significant celebration. A festival in the park with music and food is a bit different than say a procession honoring a Catholic Saint. For example, in Rome I was required to have my shoulders covered when visiting many of the churches. Not having known this beforehand, I had to hastily purchase a shawl to cover my shoulders in order to spare myself the embarrassment of being turned away when I packed a tube top shirt. That was not the time to go on a rant or argument about women’s bodies and whether it was right to insist I cover it up. I was a guest of their city, in their sacred spaces, and I did not have the right to impose my culture and beliefs on them.
The third is to be open to learning and respectfully asking questions. Your questions should not be made with condescension or from the idea that what they’re doing is wrong or strange. Remember, you’re the strange one in this relationship. If you are corrected on a misstep, respond with gratitude and humility rather than defensiveness. I always make the analogy to stepping on someone’s toes. You may not have meant to step on someone’s toes, but you did. The polite, socially acceptable thing to do is apologize and be more careful where you put your feet. Be willing to get uncomfortable and try new things, that is after all the whole point otherwise you may as well have stayed in your own place.
The key principle behind all of these ideas is to be respectful of other people. Their culture isn’t your playground and they aren’t a Disney ride at Epoc. You wouldn’t show up at someone else’s house uninvited and just start messing with their stuff, getting in the way and taking their things as yours. You wouldn’t rudely tell them that their house sucks and that your house is way better. You wouldn’t demand that they make special food just for you and redecorate. The point of traveling is to experience different things and to be a little bit uncomfortable. That’s how we grow. We just don’t want our growth to be at the expense of other people and we often don’t grow very much when it is at other people’s expense. I’m not the definitive expert on this topic, but I do think it’s an important topic to consider when venturing out in the world. Hopefully as you sally forth on your own cultural experiences this short post helps you be a better global sojourner.
“I don’t think there’s anything on this planet that more trumpets life that the sunflower. For me, that’s because of the reason behind its name. Not because it looks like the sun but because it follows the sun. During the course of the day, the head tracks the journey of the sun across the sky. A satellite dish for sunshine. Wherever light is, no matter how weak, these flowers will find it. And that’s such an admirable thing. And such a lesson in life.” – Tim Firth
I have always loved sunflowers, but after hearing that quote, I adored them. I loved that they followed the light even when the sun was hidden away. No matter how dark their world becomes they turn to the light. Isn’t that just what we humans fail to do so often when our lives become darkened? What a beautiful reminder and how special it is that they do so resemble the sun to give us some of the light they have taken into themselves?
When one thinks of sunflower fields, one may think of the endless fields of Tuscany and forget to look in one’s own backyard. I will say that sunflower fields have been gaining popularity, at least in my area with farmers now taking time to plant fields for visitors to come and enjoy. Most will allow you to leave with a single memento of your visit. One flower to bring you sunshine. At Second Mountain, you are encouraged to bring as many containers as you can because for just a few dollars, you can pick as many sunflowers as you desire! And I did!
My mother and I drove up at the very end of the sunflower season to catch the last blooms of the season. We had been carefully awaiting this for almost a year as we had learned of this hidden gem to the north of us from a work colleague shortly after the sunflower season had ended. Unfortunately, peak sunflower season is in August which usually has beastly weather of heat and humidity. Being as my mother is an asthmatic those two are not the greatest combination for her being able to enjoy the great outdoors. Being allergic to bees, it was important for me to avoid warmer days when they would be more active, so we carefully watched both their facebook page and the weather, hoping for just the right conditions. Finally, at the end of the season the weather was just right; we packed up our car with containers and made the hour-long drive up north.
Even in their last days the fields were a glorious feast for the eyes. The vibrant flowers naturally were turned towards the evening sun. A rock cover band played in the background, which if you enjoy such things, I am certain it added to the enjoyment. Not being a fan of such things, I did not find it particularly enjoyable. I would have preferred a cello performance or swing band, but to each their own. I am not one to dictate to others what sort of music they can listen to or even if music should be playing. Just if you do visit a field with live music, bring your earbuds or headphones so that you can put on something you do enjoy if the music isn’t to your taste. Then again, even if there isn’t a live band, bring them anyway. It is good to have music close at hand to enhance an experience or help drown out unpleasant noise. The small crowd of people were taking photos and harvesting flowers. I took some time to photograph the sunflowers to help capture the glory of the fields, even the ones who were nearing the end of their life cycle.
Perhaps, I am a bit gothic in nature, but I always found the end of the growing season to be beautiful in its own right. There is a certain loveliness to the death of a flower; having lived brilliantly and gloriously, it now loses its color, going quietly into that good night to make way for the next season. There is a quiet stillness about it as it is no longer abuzz with visitors, often robbed of its seeds by birds or other creatures. It is only a shadow of itself, like an echo. What struck me as even in their last days, they still were turned faithfully to the sun, never losing the light.
Turning back to the brighter field, I gathered up sunflowers in my arms until I could carry no more. Walking through the golden sea, with my arms filled with flowers felt almost surreal, as if I had entered a dream. The flowers stand proud as if they are sentinels of the very sun itself. Stray breezes wind their way through the fields causing some to break their vigil to dance, perhaps rebelliously, but more likely for the sheer joy of our closest star.
Personally, I enjoyed the fields most when the band was quiet and I could simply enjoy the wonder of nature. To have time to disconnect from the world and tune into the natural world. It was almost transformative to be in their midst, laden with the flowers, as if I were about to become a nature spirit one with the fields. The quiet of the fields let me really listen to the ecosystem going on around me. The buzz of insects and the way the wind rustled through the flowers. Truly, a sunflower field is summer incarnate and I made certain to fill my car with lots of summer.
While I admonish your dear reader to not live in regret, I do have a small regret from our trip. Not having more containers to bring even more sunflowers home! Part of the joy of our trip was having a house filled with sunflowers. Every corner of our living room boasted these bright blooms. It was like we had brought the sunflower fields home with us! They lasted for about a week and a half which more than made the trek worth it, even though there were closer fields nearby which were just as glorious to witness.
How can you visit a sunflower field?
Unfortunately, most of the sunflower fields will not permit you to cut their flowers by the bucket full. So if you are looking for the ability to bring as much of summer home with you as possible, that may be a bit tricky or cost you quite a bit more than my $10 admission. However, there are plenty of places which offer sunflower fields to visit and photograph. Personally, the bigger the fields the better they are, but do not count out the smaller fields, for their charm.
I encourage you to take your time when visiting. Don’t fill it up with endless photos but rather take moments to pause and drink in the moment. The blossoms of the sunflowers are the last hurrah of summer before the leaves begin to turn and fall all too quickly becomes winter. Bask in the warmth of the season, let it seep into your bones for you will need those memories when the wind roars and cuts through to your core. Enjoy the brightness of the yellow blossoms, because color will be slowly drained away after one last defiant show by the trees. Take the memories with you into the winter of life so that way when the darkness comes, you can recall the lessons of the sunflower and turn towards the light.
There are times when I do travel. At the time of this writing, I have gone on two cruises, spent a semester abroad, completed a mission trip and traveled a number of times over several states. I am not opposed to travel, though I have stated there are drawbacks to traveling especially when so many things may already be in your backyard if you just take the time to look. However, there may be things or experiences that just require travel. For example, I wanted to see a total solar eclipse. Not living in a place where that was happening in my lifetime, I was forced to travel. If you want to see the Great Wall of China you have to go to china.
Given the drawbacks to travel, environmental impact, overtourism, money involved in traveling, participating in exploitative practices, etc. it is important to make the most of your travels when you travel to minimize these drawbacks. As with everything else, do your research and be picky. When I went on my two cruises it may have been tempting to lounge about on the many sandy beaches. However as someone who is only a two to three hour drive from the beach, that wasn’t an activity high on my list. I remember distinctly telling my travel companions that if we were going to sit around on a beach we may as well drive to Maryland or New Jersey and save ourselves the time and expense as honestly beaches are fairly universal. Sand? Check. Ocean? Check. Beach. If you, dear reader, are living in the midwestern part of the United States, including a beach day in your cruise makes sense, for those of us from the coasts, we probably should consider other options.
Something I am mindful to do when traveling is to consider what are things that I simply cannot do in my own backyard? That isn’t to say that I refrain from doing anything that I can do in my own backyard, more that if given the choice of various activities, I will prioritize the ones that I cannot do or cannot do easily. When I went to Aruba, I opted to get on a submarine, as that wasn’t something I couldn’t easily do off the New Jersey shore. I saw the Panama Canal in Panama because it is a unique piece of engineering not replicated elsewhere in the world. I went to the Rain Forest in Costa Rica because like the Panama Canal, the rainforest simply can’t be replicated. That isn’t to say I didn’t go to the beach at all, I did pick one or two days that included the beach. It just wasn’t my first priority and the days I did go to the beach it was an add on to another excursion, like the caves in Curacao.
I was mindful when picking my itinerary to pick ones with the most places I wanted to experience or alternatively have excursions which include activities I want to experience. This can even stretch to smaller items. When departing from the New York port, I made sure to take time to get a good view of the Statue of Liberty when we left as I had never seen it. I took advantage of being at the equator in order to watch both a sunrise and sunset on the same day. In the north, I would have had to get up quite early to see a full sunrise and being as I am not a morning person, this would be difficult. Closer to the equator the sun rose and set at times more conducive to my schedule. These were small things, but I still got to enjoy them with just a little awareness of the opportunities around me.
The cast from the play in Stephen’s Green. Discovered by chasing down the gentleman on the far right through the streets of Dublin
This is not the time to necessarily be pig-headed about your agenda or have an agenda so full you cannot be spontaneous. Some of my best experiences come from being spontaneous. That is how I got on a tour of the capitol building in Washington, scored tickets to the British Shakespeare’s performance of MidSummer Night’s Dream in Dublin, and the unicorn tapestries in Paris. Cultivating a spirit of openness and adventure. The best strategy is one that includes openness to pivot to new opportunities.
The point is to be mindful about what you’re going to do and be mindful when you’re doing it. Don’t just travel to travel, use your time wisely. Thoreau told us to suck the marrow of life, suck the marrow from your trips! Consider carefully the itinerary of where you’re going, cast a wider net to capture the possibilities of the area, and be willing to indulge yourself on things that are inaccessible otherwise.
If you do go on a cruise ship, check out all of its offerings. On my very first cruise, I discovered it had a thermal spa suite outfitted with lots of things I had never tried before a sauna, steam room and salt room. For a little bit extra, I was able to purchase a pass to access it and found that I spent at least an hour there every day. Considering the very large hot tub and fewer people with beautiful views, it was certainly worth it. I also discovered the ship had a ropes course with a zipline. On another ship, we tried go-cart racing. Something else, I had been itching to try. I loved it, my sister not so much – needless to say we scratched that off our list of sister dates to do. So check out your ship, your hotel or wherever you may be for cheap/free options. It wasn’t like I could really go anywhere else, I had already paid to be able to use it in my fare, so I may as well make use of them and cross those items off the list. Trips I took during my semester abroad to made the best use of my time in Germany. By venturing forth from Marburg I was able to see places I’ve always wanted to see like Dublin, Paris, Berlin, Vienna and Rome. With Ryanair most of those plane tickets were under $50 bucks.
Be sure to check the dates of your trip for any special events that may be occurring in the area or be willing to adjust your dates if you discover there will be a special event in the area you want to go to. My trip to Dublin just happened to coincide with their Shakespeare Festival and a performance by the British Shakespeare Company. My trip to Vienna just happened to coincide with Monet’s Water Lilies being on exhibition at one of the many art museums. By paying attention to what was going on at a specific time, I was able to expand what I was able to do. Although contrary-wise, you may want to avoid going to places during certain times of the year. For example, avoid Disney World November through December, typically the park is open for almost 12 hours for you to enjoy. However, during the Christmas celebration, if you want to stay after dark you have to pay an extra $300 – $400 for a pass, that’s cutting your park time down by 5 to 6 hours unless you’re willing and able to pay an extra fee. Don’t go to Boston during the marathon in the spring if you want to avoid the crowds. Skip Florida’s beaches during spring break if you don’t want to be in an overcrowded place with a bunch of drunk, college students. Careful planning can help make or break your trip.
Try to add an extra day in order to add in something special. When leaving from the New York port, my family and I added an extra evening in New York to catch a Broadway musical, something my sister’s mother-in-law had never experienced and is on many people’s list. Yes, it was an extra expense but it would be more expensive to have to travel back up to New York just to see a show. When my sister went on her first cruise, she flew over a day early and enjoyed the sights of Barcelona, for a night at a hotel she was able to experience a whole city. Traveling is often one of the biggest expenses as well as your biggest carbon footprint, so by adding a little extra time, you can enjoy more. Good for your wallet and the earth!
As budget conscious people, it is important to get the most “bang for your buck” as it were. That isn’t to say pack everything full and rush around so quick you can’t even take in what you’re seeing, it is only to make sure you’re taking full advantage of what is nearby to maximize your experience. With careful planning and a spirit of adventure, you can make the most of your more expensive and far ranging trips.
It may surprise you dear reader, to discover that I am a bit of a nerd or perhaps it was obvious from the start. I have written about the importance of having bucket list items that are unique to yourself and I am a firm believer of practicing what one preaches as well as leading by example. Therefore, I will share with you one of the items that are unique to me. I’m not sure that I can be said to be a gamer as I don’t tend to play many different games. I usually tend to play one or two for a long time and they are typically mmo’s that play with my boyfriend as a joint activity.
However, I still have goals and enjoy completing challenges within the games that I play. In the spring of 2014, I found myself playing World of Warcraft’s Mists of Pandaria expansion with a singular goal, obtaining the elusive challenge mode armor. As the name implies, it was a specific challenge to be completed in the game. According to wowhead, only 9% of profiles obtained the achievement associated with obtaining the armor. That isn’t to say it was the hardest achievement in the game, I am certain there were more difficult challenges, but it certainly was difficult requiring a player to truly master an individual class. It was especially challenging, since I chose a class I had never played before, opted to “boost it” to skip over the pesky leveling process and then jumped into my first challenge mode dungeon without having done much more than read a general guide on how to play it which only added to the difficulty.
To those unfamiliar with games, I apologize if my description seems a bit obtuse, in the interest of brevity, I shall not overly burden you with lengthy explanations. I suppose the closest analogy that most people would get is to pretend that a class in a game was a position on a sports team, say a quarterback. The quarterback plays a specific role on the team and has specific responsibilities for that position. In a game, the positions have specific moves that only that position or class can utilize in the game. In this particular game, there are challenges known as dungeons in which a group of five players work together to defeat a series of bosses or “villains”. On second thought, I probably should have picked a different analogy considering how little I know about sports….I digress.
What made it challenging was that unlike the rest of the game, certain advantages that one could typically gain such as better equipment to make it easier to defeat bosses, inside the challenge mode dungeons those advantages were stripped away, requiring you to rely less on your equipment and more on your skill alone. Hence, the thrill of overcoming the challenge presented. Imagine if you will, you were given sneakers that helped you run faster and then you were asked to run the same race track again only this time they gave you shoes with lead weights attached. Then told you, you need to run the race even faster than you used to.
From Blizzard’s announcement. As you can see, they wanted to give us a mode where we could push ourselves as players.
One doesn’t need to have played wow or even any other video game to recognize that there is a certain satisfaction that comes from executing a skill based challenge rather than being afforded the ability to overcome it through other means. Consider bowling, if you score 70 – 100 points, it’s considered a good game. How would you feel if you executed a game with an end score of 120 on a lane with bumpers which prevent your ball from going in the gutter resulting in you obtaining points that would have otherwise been zero? How about if you executed the same score on a lane without bumpers? What about one that had obstacles or other handicaps? Almost all of us have had the experience of having the training wheels come off and being asked to perform at a high level. The sense of victory one feels at having conquered such a challenge is a rare treat in our modern age.
Each dungeon was timed, requiring a small team to execute the challenge within the limit in order to obtain the achievement. Not only that, but also the game required a player to complete the challenge on 9 different dungeons, each with their own mechanics and barriers. One had to learn how to quickly work with a group of strangers to execute a given strategy that may not always work given the makeup of the group you were with. Sometimes, a combination of classes simply did not work for a given dungeon like when I was on a druid healer and my boyfriend was playing his druid tank. There was one fight where the druid healer simply could not keep the tank up. We switched up the tank to a warrior and it was much easier to keep the warrior up for that particular fight than the druid. He switched to a different healer and had zero issues staying alive.
It was a bit of an adrenaline rush to play through the dungeons, responding in the moment to what other players were doing,and alternating how I was approaching a fight given the semi-randomness of the mechanics. I would use moves that I rarely if ever used before, because I never needed to. It felt like I was pushing each class to its limit of what it could do to pull out all the stops. I felt like I was learning more about how to actually play the healer role than I ever had before. I noticed that when I went into other areas of the game, it was much easier to recover bad pulls and botched mechanics.
My very first CM armor set! Isn’t it pretty?
Not to mention, it was just plain fun to dance around damage, throwing out heals, keeping other players from the brink of death, damaging the boss as time and mana allowed, all at a high level of performance. I enjoyed the hyper focus it required keeping an eye out on everyone’s health bars as well as the pools of damage one needed to avoid, making split second decisions about casting a move quickly or casting a slower spell to conserve mana, being mindful of the cooldowns on all of the moves that one could use and and timing them to support the cooldowns the other players were using at the same time. One wrong decision could mean having to restart the entire dungeon again.
There were so many failed attempts. I spent hours trying to conquer just one of the dungeons, trying again and again. Still, at the end of each successful attempt, I was elated. At the end of all nine, I had the sweet reward of victory, the achievement, a cool mount and of course one of the best looking armor sets in the game. Might some people think it’s worthless chasing a digital reward that only appears in a digital world? Perhaps, but it represents having conquered a particular skill based challenge. As I stated before, only 9% of profiles obtained this achievement, so I think it’s something worthy to brag about. Besides, it’s my list and I can do what I want!
One of the great things about playing games is that skills gained in a game can be generalized to life outside of the game. I found myself more confident in overcoming challenges in my everyday life and managing stress and anxiety in the moment to still perform at a high level. In other words, managing my performance stress in the game, helped me manage my performance stress at my job and school. It also helped me gain skills in working with other people in high stress situations to achieve mutual goals, something that as a social worker, I’ve needed to do many times. There is value in pushing yourself even in a leisure activity to perform at a high level of skill because of how those skills transfer to other areas of your life.
So what’s your challenge armor?
Obtaining the challenge mode armor is now an impossibility, (at least for now) as the dungeons to obtain them were removed from the game after the release of Warlords of Dreanor. However, the principles of this item can still be obtained whether you play WoW or not. The first principle is of course picking an activity that is unique to you. Maybe you don’t play games, but you knit or garden. The second is pushing yourself to perform that activity at a high level of skill. Is there a sewing project that is particularly difficult? Maybe there’s a musical piece that is known to be a beast to play. Maybe you play a sport and you want to master a certain skill.
You may be surprised at how satisfying it is to have mastered something new and the confidence that follows to other areas of your life. Perhaps, you will need to involve other people and make new friends along the way or strengthen existing relationships through a mutual bond of overcoming the challenge together. Even years later, those who completed the challenge modes with me reference that time together and talk about the experience. In fact, I enjoyed completing the achievement so much that in the following expansion I jumped at the chance to get the new challenge mode dungeons completed to obtain special weapons.
Completed: Summer/Fall 2014(I completed it on Paladin, Druid & Priest)
Miles from home: 0 – completed from my computer
Cost: $15 monthly sub-fee as well as $60 for the expansion at the time.
Budget Bliss: Bucket List 