mindfullness – Page 3 – Budget Bliss: Bucket List

You Will Mess Up. The Best Thing You Can Do is Learn From it and Move On

Published on October 1, 2024July 26, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

Oh dear, failure! Is there anything else American culture is more allergic to? Failure is such a part of life and yet we do almost everything we can to avoid it. I am certainly not immune to the fear of it. Do not get me wrong, dear reader, I fancy myself better than most at facing it, but there are still many times that I do not try for fear of it. While it may be tempting to present myself as a paragon on this blog, I am, alas, human rather than a demi-goddess. Shocking, I know, but it’s the truth! So, I will not lie to you and say that I have conquered this particular truth despite my best efforts.

Why do we fear failure so much? Not even failure, but even small mistakes? We live in fear of the judgments, the reprimands and the consequences of our mistakes. We worry about it negatively reflecting on us and what others might think or say. We worry that we might suffer terrible consequences if these failures should come to light. Worse, we may work to hide them and cover them up rather than owning them and taking responsibility. We may try to pass them off as someone’s mistake. We may try to downplay or minimize. There are many unhealthy ways to handle failure, because we fear the consequences so much rather than embracing failure as part of the process to become better versions of ourselves.

I cannot promise that you will not get reprimanded, embarrassed or made to feel less than for mistakes. One of the reasons we fear making them is precisely because that is what so often happens. I will not sugar coat this reality, messing up sucks and sometimes the consequences really suck. What I can promise you is that if you don’t let yourself mess up even in the face of potential negative consequences, you will never move forward and you will continue to be stuck. Messing up is how we learn. It is part of the process of getting better. The entire world of science is based on a series of failures leading to success. Negative data is still data! Edison tried hundreds of ways to make the lightbulb work. Even good ideas may fail initially, it took almost 10 years for sliced bread to catch on and now we say the phrase “the best idea since sliced bread”!

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If we spend our time in fear of failure, we will never try and if we never try, we will never succeed. It is easy to watch people performing at their highest level on television without considering all the many times they must have failed to achieve that skill. We don’t see the number of times a gymnast has fallen or how many times a violinist struggled on a particular musical phrase. We don’t taste the botched dishes from the five star chef or the barely recognizable drawings of an artist. So when we try our hand at something, how quickly do we throw in the towel when it is less than perfect? How many things have we lost to ourselves pursuing perfection rather than joy?

The trick is not to dwell on the mistakes. Hence, the second part of this truth, moving on and learning. One should not forget and move on, or we will of course be doomed to keep repeating the mistake which is no fun. One should remember, learn and move on. Now most people would stop here and let the post stand, but I find that they are missing one of the most important steps of the whole process. How to effectively analyze so that one can learn without rumination.

I like to start with a strengths based approach. Studies indicate that when we focus on and cultivate our strengths rather than merely working to overcome weakness, that we make much faster progress. Therefore, I encourage you dear reader to first consider what went well or what was going well. If we get 48 of 50 questions right, should you really dwell overly much on the 2 questions you got wrong? One might end up spending so much time studying on the small section one struggled with in the unit leading up to the final exam, one ends up bombing the final because one didn’t review the other material! Ask, what did you do that helped you achieve as much as you did then, keep doing that!

Then ask yourself what did not go well and begin to brainstorm solutions. Perhaps, it was lack of sleep. Perhaps it was an ineffective method for tracking your tasks. Perhaps, it was looking at the wrong line in the spreadsheet. I often like to try and “mechanize” my approach to fixing mistakes. As a dyslexic, I know I will always struggle with reading spreadsheets unless I use the very simple fix of highlighting every other line in a given color. So, my spreadsheets utilize that method to help me track things effectively. As someone with ADHD, I have routines and develop “self-checks” to keep me on track. I set boundaries with interruptions, even small ones, when I am in the middle of a task because I know how easily I can “lose” a task near its completion. It will be 90% done, someone will ask me to do something else and it will stay 90% done for weeks if I am not careful to say “let me write that down on this to do list and I will get to it in just a few minutes.” this step allows you to plan for and prevent future mistakes.

This is also a time to practice self-compassion to observe without judgment, accepting that you are in fact, human. It is not a time for self-pity or excuse making because taking responsibility for the mistake is part of this process. However, forgiveness of the mistake is important to be able to move forward. I always find it much easier to practice this step after steps 1 and 2. When I can see what I did well and have a feasible plan to move forward the stress and worry that comes from the mistake almost seems to melt away. This is the step that helps us move on.

Sometimes, you do need to add the extra apology step depending on the mistake that you made. An apology should include an admission of harm caused by your actions, whether intentional or not without blame on the other person. If they contributed to the issue it is on them to take ownership of their part when it’s their time to apologize to you. If you’re apologizing to them this is their time to get an apology, not yours, yours will come. It should be followed up with your plan to make amends and you should seek their input for this plan to move forward. Remember it’s not just about the “thing” that went wrong, it’s also about repairing the relationship, helping the other person feel heard, understood and cared for. What makes you feel better about a situation, may not make them feel better about the situation. Once the plan is agreed upon, you need to follow through with that plan for repairing the relationship.

You will mess up, but messing up is a gift. A gift to learn and grow to be the best versions of ourselves and live our best life.

You Can Never Fully Prepare For Everything Life Will Throw at You

Published on September 24, 2024July 19, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

For those of us “type A” personalities, the planners, the cautious and the dare-I-admit somewhat controlling personality types, we like to be prepared. I am the sort of person who you want on a vacation because if something happens I will usually be whipping out the solution to the problem from my bag. Wine spill? Tide pen. Hangnail? Why of course, I brought nail clippers. Bug bite? I have just the thing that pulls out the venom or “juice” that causes the sting/itch. Don’t worry about your hair, I put extra pins in mine just for this occasion! I am the person not with a Plan B but Plans B through Z. Or at least I was.

Through all my careful planning and preparing there is always some unplanned event. I was the coordinator of a homeless shelter tasked in part with developing our policies and procedures. I had developed a plan for everything. Earthquakes, fires, floods, drug overdose. Or so I thought. I had nothing in the book for a pandemic. The ONE thing that I had not planned for happened. So I had to develop my plan on the fly, in face of ever changing regulations, restrictions and recommendations throughout COVID. None of us had planned for COVID, yet we somehow got through it. Perhaps, not unscathed, but hopefully more resilient than before in the face of uncertainty to handle whatever it is life decides to throw at us. I certainly grew from the experience.

You can still see where his eye was infected.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are things life gives us that are wonderful surprises that we cannot prepare for. I certainly was not prepared to adopt a stray, near death’s door, kitten and nurse him back to health. Luke was and continues to be one of the very best surprises that life gave me. One might think one is prepared for a pet, but I assure you no matter how many you’ve had before the next one is always its own set of special surprises. I imagine it is much like with children, each sibling is a unique challenge unto themselves.

It is a good thing that life carries with it surprises that you cannot readily respond to without a little growth or creative thinking. It is in these moments of challenge that we are stretched into stronger and (hopefully) better versions of ourselves. Consider what might happen if we could simply prepare for everything life is going to throw at us. How might that affect our development? Would we learn humility? Would we be resilient? Would we think creatively? Would we feel empathy for others when they are struggling to overcome their own challenges? Would we be able to help them? From my own observations, individuals who have not been adequately challenged and overly protected from the surprises of life seem to struggle in these areas. They are disconnected from reality without experiencing the full wealth of life. We have the biggest opportunities for growth in the things we couldn’t prepare for.

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These challenges can be gifts! Contrasting experiences help highlight one another much like how two characters act as foils to one another in order for a reader to fully understand both. I ask you to consider, dear reader, how much sweeter is the view from a mountain top that you struggled to see versus one that you did not? It might seem nice to simply drive your car up and look at the view, but I can almost promise you the person who hiked the whole thing is probably enjoying it more. Without the challenge you may be missing more than half the experience and certainly none of the triumph.

These are gifts not only for your own personal growth, but also for the opportunities they present. In those times, you may discover your best friend or gain a new skill that lands you your dream job. You may get to live out a bucket list experience or finally get that break you’ve been needing. If we are constantly grasping at control we miss the opportunities around us, focusing on the negative instead of what might be. We close ourselves off to the possibilities continuing to ram our heads against a wall that will not break completely missing the door that has been opened instead.

In fact we may hurt ourselves most when we refuse to let go of control. How many times have we been told to relax when getting a shot because it hurts more when we’re tensed up? Life is often the same way. When we are tense and controlling, life hits a lot harder than when we are relaxed and go with the flow of things. In that flow state, we are willing and open to trying new things, to look for windows rather than doors, to see beauty where others only see ash, to believe in what might yet be without being too attached to any one thing.

This “harsh” truth is once again a blessing in disguise. It encourages us to let go of all the things we cannot control and to focus on what we can control, ourselves. Preparing for everything is exactly trying to control everything. So often we plan to free ourselves of worry, but we fail to see the burden we take up instead. Do you think about the sheer amount of mental weight you place on controlling everything? If you control everything, then everything that goes wrong is your fault! That is certainly a weighty responsibility to carry about. What about all the extra effort you place to prepare for things that never happen? How much time is stolen from you? Consider my own tendency to overprepare. Do you have any idea how heavy all my extra stuff becomes when I go out places? My bag is bigger than everyone else’s and heavier. Almost no one offers to carry it (precisely because it’s heavy) but they certainly don’t mind asking me for help. They all get to walk around free from care because I’m carrying the burden of their worries. Granted, my sister is also a planner and so we take turns carrying the bag, but other than her, it is a rare person indeed who offers.

I have also gotten better about over packing and overplanning saying instead that I have some extra cash and we’ll be near a store if something happens for most of our day trips opting instead to merely go with the flow. The freedom of this cannot be understated. Instead of focusing on all that can go wrong, I look forward to the event. Instead of endlessly checking the weather leading up to it, I just wait until the morning of to make any decisions. I plan for what I’d like to happen without closing myself off to new possibilities – more than often better possibilities.

This principle can be applied to the small things like a day out to the larger challenges like a pandemic. Let go of the burden of control and take up the freedom of the flow. Embrace the challenges as the opportunities they are! Yes, they often suck in the moment, but looking back you will be amazed at yourself for getting through!

The Majority of Your Limits Are Self-imposed

Published on September 17, 2024July 19, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

What an extraordinary thought! How many times have we thought to ourselves that something simply couldn’t be done only to learn later that it was actually super easy, barely an inconvenience, had we simply approached it with a different mindset? We so often falsely limit ourselves with thoughts of how things ought to be done or should be done or even can be done. We allow fear of failure or being told “no” to dissuade us from trying or asking. We choose safety and comfort over risk.

It is not wrong to feel these things! There are reasons we have been told that things ought to be done a certain way. There is merit in collective wisdom. There is also merit in challenging the collective wisdom as our culture evolves and changes. Ways of doing things that once worked may no longer work in today’s world.

We are right to fear rejection. No one likes feeling rejected, especially when you have already faced so much in life, as you may have dear reader. When you make a request or reach out, it is with an earnest desire and hope for assistance or a chance. If that request is denied, we have to experience hope dashed upon the rocks. After feeling that so many times, it is difficult to muster up the courage to go once more upon the breach.

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Taking risks is, well, risky. If we have a family to support or are struggling to get by it can be quite difficult to take those first steps. Not only that, but also you must have the necessary physical, mental and emotional energy to pour into the venture. We may hear of these many rags to riches stories, and may be inspired to go out and try. However, the long term success of a business is rather bleak. In the first five years, 45% will fail. By the 10th year, 65% fail and by the 15th year, 75% of businesses close. Is it any wonder so many choose to stay in the confines of other people’s businesses, suffering in less than optimal work conditions? Easy to say no risk, no reward, but if the risk is your housing, safety and security? Our world seems almost made to keep us ground down and distracted rather than having the freedom to thrive as individuals.

That is why this truth can seem harsh. Because it is asking us to fight against so much of what we’ve been taught and to make some difficult choices. I just gave you, dear reader, some very good reasons to keep your limitations and your feet on the ground. One can almost hear the Disney montage queuing up in the background about following your dreams, seeking adventure and believing in magic. Inspiring to be sure, but your pragmatic self is certain to reassert itself with all its very sensible objections and limitations. So what is one to do?

It is important to recognize what limits you have imposed to assess them. That is what makes this truth so freeing. Rather than being mindless slaves to the restrictions, we get to decide if those restrictions are in fact truthful and challenge them a bit. Perhaps, even become a bit playful with the challenge.

Consider my approach to the possibility of being told no in response to a request. It is actually quite simple, I do not go in with actual hope of a “yes”. I go into expecting a no. Why then do I bother asking? Because, dear reader, it is always a no, until you ask! Therein lies the secret! Asking only allows the possibility of a no becoming a yes and what a delightful surprise the yes becomes! What is more, I get a positive answer much more than one might think! Or perhaps it is a psychological trick of merely focusing on the positive results and forming a bias in that direction, but it’s a helpful one so I’m not overly concerned about it. The limit was the fear of the no and the rejection, but then I realized that I was already living in the no. I was rejecting myself on behalf of others and not even offering them the chance to alter the self-imposed limitation. What a freeing realization that was.

You may feel you do not have the skills to land a job when looking through the qualifications. Did you know that many people land jobs even if they don’t hit every tick-mark on the list? Did you know that sometimes you can land a job with just a cold call? I recently decided to make a career move, called up an old boss about whether they had a potential position open at her current company. They ended up creating a position for me and hired me on. I could have easily looked at her current company and saw they were not hiring for what I was looking for and left it at that. My attitude towards “no” is what helped me reach out and ask.

What other limitations might be holding you back from living your best life? It doesn’t have to be a career. It could be hobbies you want to take up. Do you want to sing? It takes time and practice but 15 minutes a day can make a huge difference. Everyone has to start somewhere. It’s not like you’re auditioning for America’s Got Talent! There’s even some cool apps that help you find the right pitch and intonation for your voice range. Are there places you want to go or things you’d like to experience? You can read lots of posts from me here where I don’t travel far to do the things I want to do. When one stops to consider it, this whole blog is about challenging the limitation that in order to fully live you have to spend tons of money and travel the world!

Do I still live with some self-limiting beliefs? Of course! We all do. There are ones that for the moment I am willing to sit in. I recognize that they are limiting and I’m not ready to take on the risk or challenge that removing them would require. That doesn’t mean that I will always keep them. Life is about risks, but we also need to seriously assess them and whether we’re ready to take those next steps. The point isn’t to remove them all but to assess them and then actively choose them if they are right for us at the time. We also may have to make some difficult choices and pay a price that we’re not okay with paying in order to move forward.

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It’s like the difference between free climbing a cliff and climbing with ropes. It is much safer to climb with ropes and you should absolutely not attempt a free climb until you have some experience. However, the idea that you could never do a free climb is a limiting belief and I am certain there is a much greater sense of thrill and accomplishment for those who do free climb. The point is rather than allowing ourselves to remain forever tethered, we get to work towards being ready, to choose to let go and climb freely. Once we do that, we really can conquer mountains.

You are Responsible for Your Own Happiness

Published on September 10, 2024July 19, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

I absolutely love this truth. For some, dear reader, this may seem a bit scary even mean. However, consider this from another angle, if you are not responsible for your own happiness who is? The answer of course is other people. Other people whom you cannot control and who may not have your own interests and needs in mind, let alone your happiness. And if they’re responsible for your happiness, does that make you responsible for theirs? Does that mean that you are expected to sacrifice yourself to their whims and desires in order to make them happy? How can you possibly be expected to know what will make them happy?

We humans are such fickle creatures and are almost never really satisfied. How can we all collectively be responsible for other people’s happiness and never our own? This constant cycle of pleasing people without thought to our own happiness can only leave us all miserable and unhappy. How freeing is it to say that “I am responsible for my happiness and you are responsible for yours”?

It is a reclamation of our own autonomy and choice. It frees us of the shackles of other people’s actions and reliance on them to do the “right thing” and allows us to fully stand in our own power. There are countless stories of human resilience, where people in terrible conditions were still able to choose not happiness but deep abiding joy. These are people who fully embraced their own power and would not allow their joy to be robbed by their oppressors or abusers. It was a way to take back what power they could to refuse to allow a prison to be one.

It is not easy to choose joy. It is not easy to be positive in the face of terrible circumstances and sometimes we do need to “sit in the suck”. I’m not an advocate of toxic positivity, because I don’t believe in suppressing negative emotions. I also don’t believe in feeding negative emotions. There is a time and place to process what’s going on, but not to swim in it, ‘till your fingers get all pruny. Acknowledge the “suck”, say it stinks, allow yourself to feel the unfairness, the injustice and general stink of whatever the situation is. Then cultivate your choices and possible responses.

This entire blog is devoted to a positive response of “the suck”. I did not have the time, energy and resources to live out a certain lifestyle. I could have easily gotten stuck in a negative mindset that I would never get to do the things I dreamed about doing. That I would continue to wish my life away and watch the years tick by until I was too old and sick to even enjoy the things even if I finally managed to save up the money to go do them. It would have been easy to shake my fist at a system that prevents so many people from making positive steps forward with stagnant wages, inflation and other social ills and give up. Instead, I looked around at what I could do instead. The answer was, I could do a lot. As it turns out, it allowed me to live out my values better than the original plan.

I did not have to rely on anyone to change the system. I simply went off and started making different choices. I choose to reevaluate my local community and see it in a new light. I choose to find happiness in the little things, seeing even small moments as things worthy of a bucket list. I will most likely write a post at a later date and time about cultivating daily gratitude, because that is what has helped to cultivate my happiness the most. I choose joy and I choose to be responsible for my own happiness. What a wonderful and freeing feeling that has been.

5 “Harsh” Truths About Life

Published on September 3, 2024July 19, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

I recently came across a post on facebook that really resonated with me, but perhaps not in the way it was meant.

Five Harsh Truths About Life:

1. You are responsible for your own happiness.

2. The majority of your limits are self-imposed.

3. You can never fully prepare for everything life will throw at you.

4. You will mess up. The best thing you can do is learn from it and move on.

5. Your loved ones will not be around forever.

Although, I don’t know that I would call them harsh, in fact I would say these are freeing truths. In my next five posts, I will be diving into each of these truths to show you how awesome each one is and how these can free you to live your best life.

Japanese Tea Ceremony

Published on July 27, 2024June 22, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

“There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be diminished by a nice cup of tea.”. – Bernard-Paul Heroux.

When I was about five years old, I was obsessed with tea parties. I was first introduced to them through my mother’s own passion. She would take us to the local herb shop and the tea shop nearby to purchase quality tea and scones. At home, the water would be boiled and poured into a china pot, a timer set for the proper amount of time for brewing and then carefully poured out into the cups. It was during this time that she imparted to me the rules of tea, how to hold the cup, what order the tea should be poured out to each guest, the polite amount of sugar to add, when to add milk, how to stir it without making a ruckus. I learned the difference between afternoon tea and high tea (it’s not the same thing), that one eats the savory first then the sweets and exactly how one eats a scone properly (by breaking it apart into small bits).

Over tea, she taught me about Victorian England and the antiques that decorated our house. She was quite fond of the late Victorian era, and I developed the same fondness. As part of my education, she bought me a tea book for my birthday. I was elated (yes, I was a strange child, I grew up to be a strange adult and I’m okay with this fact). I flipped through the pages and discovered an entirely new sort of tea, the Japanese Tea Ceremony. The book did not go into it overly much but it did allude to the sorts of things one might encounter, the special Macha tea, the whisk and the sweet that they might serve. In combination with my discovery of the Karate Kid, my love of Japanese culture was solidified and later reinforced with my introduction into anime (which I won’t get into here, other than Princess Mononoke was a definitive experience of my childhood).

Ever since my discovery of the Japanese Tea Ceremony and all things Japan, I had wanted to experience it for myself. I got the chance in the summer of 2021, when I took the hour drive out to Shofuso Japanese Cultural Center. The house was designed by Junzo Yoshimura as a 17th century style home. It was built in Japan in 1953 utilizing traditional techniques and then shipped to New York as part of the Museum of Modern art. It found its home, however, in West Fairmount Park in 1958 where it has graced the greater Philadelphia area ever since nestled in a beautiful Japanese Garden. It includes a pond garden with a waterfall, island, koi fish, traditional tea house and bathhouse.

Walking through its gates, one could easily forget that one has not in fact hopped on a plane to the middle of Japan. Every corner of the building is a beautiful work of art, carefully tended and maintained. What delighted me was the dedication to keeping the building authentically Japanese. Unlike in America when something like a floorboard has some sort of damage or rot, the Japanese do not uproot the whole floorboard and replace it. Instead they cut around the damaged section and then fill it in like a puzzle piece. There was a sort of beauty in keeping the story of time rather than a focus on perfection. Flaws were a natural outgrowth of a house in use and there was a sort of artistry in the repair.

Men and women in kimonos graciously answered questions about the house and pointed out its secrets. They informed us that the murals of the house were donated by an artist in 2007 and were inspired by the waterfalls. They told us about the hinoki bark root (the only one outside of Japan) and how it took 1.4 million dollars to repair it back in 1999. They were excellent hosts whose presence engendered a sort of respectful quiet in the guests. It is not that we did not speak, only more in hushed whispers as to not disturb the peaceful atmosphere. It is a house that invites calm reflection and relaxation rather than exuberant outbursts.

In the heat of the summer, my sister and I explored the small garden which encircles the house. We took a moment to pause by the Buddha statue, littered with small offerings and tucked away among the bamboo. We sat in quiet reflection watching the lazy circles of the koi fish which were only interrupted when a tourist decided to feed them. The noise of the nearby city melted away and one could almost believe that we had stepped through a portal to the other side of the world.

Soon we were invited to sit for tea. A woman dressed in a beautiful kimono came out to prepare the tea for us. While she began to prepare the tea. The male host graciously explained the “ceremony” as not a ceremony but more a set of expectations of manners that one should adhere to when invited to a formal tea in Japan. I suppose in truth, it was no more a “ceremony” than a proper English tea though perhaps the rules were a bit more structured to give the illusion of ceremony or ritual. One could make arguments either way – but he was speaking as a Japanese person and he indicated that it wasn’t a ceremony persay, so I am going to believe him as the expert in his own culture.

We were instructed that we would be expected to admire the carefully chosen decorations such as the scroll. He explained the symbolism of the arrangement of the flower. As the woman began to prepare the tea he explained the different instruments and tools that she was using the small white cloth, the bamboo whisk, the scoop, tea powder and the metal pot to heat the water.

First, the hostess brings in all the tools necessary for the tea preparation and then begins cleansing the utensils. Then she carefully places in the powder and hot water into the cup and whisks it expertly into a perfectly foamed tea. The cups of tea were passed around to the various guests and our male host continued his lesson.

We were instructed in how to pick up our cups, turn it the proper 90 degrees and to take slow sips. He explained that we would be expected to admire the craftsmanship of the cups and to express appreciation for everything the host had done for us.

The tea made from the matcha powder had almost a soft, velvety texture in my mouth. It was a bit more potent than a typical green tea, but lacked the harsh bitterness that the black teas can have. Despite the heat of the day the hot tea was refreshing. I enjoyed the texture of the cup in my hand and took in the smell of the tea.

We were also given a sweet to enjoy along with the tea. I felt quite terrible as the host had gone through great trouble to prepare the sweets and it had a jello like substance to it. Unfortunately, I have a sensory issue with jello as it makes me gag. I graciously accepted it and forced it down as I did not wish to offend her by refusing. However, I may still have offended her with my face. It did taste delicious, it was the texture of the jello that made it difficult to swallow.

Despite my potential faux-pas, it was a delightful time and dream come true and the following year, I was surprised to find myself once again at a Japanese Tea Ceremony. This time armed with previous knowledge and in a more intimate though less peaceful setting.

Each year, there is an annual tea festival in my state. As previously stated, I am a bit obsessed with tea. Together my sister, myself and my mom journeyed to a small town only an hour and a half away from home to a cozy tea shop tucked away along the main street. Behind the unassuming little tea house is a beautiful hidden garden which is where the highlights of the festival take place. Unfortunately for us, the day was quite wet, necessitating for much of the festival to be moved to the inside of a nearby church. This meant that the church basement was crowded, loud and somewhat uncomfortable.

So it may surprise you to hear that within the noise and the crowd, I stumbled across an oasis of peace and zen, a small tea ceremony. A woman sat on the stage, her small tea house set up and invited you to sit. My sister and I eagerly took our seats in anticipation having so thoroughly enjoyed our last tea ceremony and my mother followed close behind. With a small polite bow and a tiny smile tugging on the woman’s lips, the ceremony began. Do not ask me what magic spell the woman wove, I only know that under her expert care, the crowd disappeared from my mind. For a small window of time, we were transported out of the world and into a quiet pocket of serenity. We took our time sipping the tea and making conversation. As expected, my sister and I expressed admiration for the cups and remarked on her beautiful display. We enjoyed the sweet treat offered (thankfully nothing gelatin, so I did not have to repeat my unfortunate behavior of last time!) We complimented her and thanked her for her time and consideration both verbally and with a small donation to help support the tea house in Philadelphia. All too soon, we found ourselves back in the crowded basement, but I shall always remember the spell that such skill can weave. That is after all part of the point of the tea ceremony, to approach the act of drinking tea with a mindfulness; to transform the mundane into an extraordinary art that allows the participants to enter into a calm space. Tea, dear reader, really can be magic.

How can you participate in a tea ceremony?

If you live within a reasonable distance to Philadelphia, then you can buy tickets to the Shofu Teahouse and for an additional cost, participate in their tea ceremony. You can also check out the PA Tea Festival as the teahouse typically sends a representative to perform small ceremonies for the guests of the festival.

If not, then google is as always, your friend. See if there are any Japanese cultural clubs or organizations in your area. They may offer classes or demonstrations to the public.

A word of caution, do not join a cultural organization only to check off something off your list; someone else’s culture is not your personal playground. As with any cross-cultural experience it should be done with genuine curiosity and humility. The tea ceremonies I attended were extended by invitation to the general public. I did my best to participate with respect and to be a student of their culture.

The Long Haul

Published on July 23, 2024July 23, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

We live in a right now world. We have amazon next day delivery. We have Netflix to stream movies directly to us. We can download our videogames off steam. Instantly find the answer using google. There are few things in life that we have to wait for which fuels our desire for instant gratification. Even a lot of our bucket list items are intended for an afternoon or a week. We spent the week backpacking through a European country, cross it off the list. It may have required some forethought and planning, but it was still done relatively quickly. But what about those things that require a long time, like learning a language or losing a lot weight? How about mastering a skill like blacksmithing or an instrument?

Learn German in 90 days! As someone who took it for 8 years of her life and spent 5 months in the country speaking it, the book is a failure. It wasn’t even useful as a review of the language after not speaking it for nearly 10 years. Get massive biceps gains in just one day with this crazy method! I had nothing to lose but a day, my biceps were sore. They did not grow massively, I assure you. Fad diets and diet pills are probably the worst of these items because not only do they not work in the long run, they can be incredibly damaging. They do not help you keep the weight off and may impact your health in the long term to make managing weight even more difficult than before.

At the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin. Learning German wasn’t done in a day, but years.

Some of our goals and experiences are going to be things we have to do for the long haul. You want to learn a skill and not just try a skill, you’re going to have to put in the time, effort and sometimes expense to do so. I could do the free version of duolingo but after 5 mistakes, I would either have to wait hours for the hearts to recharge or purchase more hearts. I may as well pay for the monthly plan to help me achieve my language learning goals as I am reviewing German and learning Spanish. I’ve been at it for almost a year now and my German is almost back to where it was at the end of college, and my Spanish is still very basic. Granted, I only spend about 15 minutes a day on either language so because I don’t put in my time, my results aren’t as fast.

If I truly wanted to learn how to forge weapons, I would need to go weekly to the forge, buy my own steel and work hard to develop the skills necessary to make beautiful weapons. Heck if I really wanted to learn how to do it, I would learn smelting as well to master the entire process. Not only would this require time, it would require me to sacrifice other things as well. One can either be a jack of all trades or a master of one. If I spent my time at the forge, I probably wouldn’t have time to devote to my violin. My choosing the violin, I am saying no to many other activities that might fill my time. I’m not drawing or taking photographs. I’m not learning computer programming. Pursuits that I have at times toyed with but ultimately did not devote myself to.

Sometimes we dabble in things, we may for instance take a six of twelve week course in photography or ceramics. We may take a single lesson in glassblowing or falconry. We know that these things will not confer onto us any modicum of true skill, but the taste is enough to satisfy. These are another form of “good enough” which I discussed in another post.

However, for something we truly want to master. It requires something we have seemingly precious little of, time. One cannot become fluent in a language with a workshop or a twelve week class. It took me nearly eight years to become conversational in German and that was with semi-daily practice as I took it in both High School and college. It became quite stagnant with disuse. For one to be able to say one is fluent in a language it requires daily practice and use or else the most you will be able to say is that at one time you were fluent, but no longer. Oh it comes back quickly enough when you’re thrown in a situation requiring the language, but you are clumsy and stupid with it, the rules have gotten all muddled up in your brain and really why did the ancients insist on such an obtuse grammatical rule as changing the article based on the case? Why can’t the German “the” be, “Der, die, das, den, dem, or des”?

Taking a glass blowing class: To become proficient would takes weeks, to master would take years.

I encourage you to be judicious with the things you pick and not to overindulge in your ideas of what could be. I devote myself to just a few daily pursuits because frankly, I am a busy person. I haven’t the time to do much else. I have carefully chosen a few things that I want to do well that speak to me personally more than other activities and rarely skip on doing them. Attempting to cram in more items would mean not doing any of them all that well and I may as well not bother with more than the occasional workshop or short course on the subject.

Now dear reader, you will not be able to become a multilingual, black belt in karate, computer engineer, doctor, guitar player, chess grandmaster, and astronaut, not unless you suddenly come into a lot of wealth and find yourself with both the time, discipline, coaches and tutors to achieve such a thing. Even then I would imagine, it would take a good ten years or so to achieve any of that. If you are not willing to put in the time and effort, it would be best to eliminate the mastery of the thing and go with simply trying the thing instead. There is nothing wrong with that and no shame in the decision. Some people are meant to be jacks-of-all-trades and masters-of-none and there are those who are meant to master one thing and be amazing at it. This is what you must consider dear reader. There are things that you want to accomplish that will not be done on a weekend or in two or three months. They may be life long pursuits that require daily practice to truly achieve the things you want to achieve with them. They will require you to give up other items in order to make room for them. By all means pick that which gives you joy and makes your heart sing. The journey will be long, frustrating and trying, but the reward will be sweet.

Mindful Planning and Managing Expectations

Published on June 4, 2024June 22, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

How many times have we spent weeks building in anticipation of an event, imagining it so vividly we could almost think ourselves already there only to have the reality fall far short of the expectation upon the moment of arrival? I am convinced that’s why the holiday season is so stressful and the epicenter of many an emotional breakdown. The “magic” of the season and the pressure for it to live up to that impossible ideal is enough to lead anyone down the dark path of overindulgence to cope.

The same disappointment in the reality of an event has happened to many a bucket list seeker. In another post, I discuss the dangers of over-tourism and the case for staying home. One of my main points in that post was that over-tourism prevents us from being able to fully experience our desired activity as we confront crowds and limited time to see or do the activity we set out to enjoy. Which is why there have been many times when I have found I enjoyed the activities closer to home than the ones farther afield. This is where the practice of being mindful and honest with ourselves comes into play.

We should understand what we’re really desiring to gain out of a given activity prior to doing it and manage our expectations. It also allows us to zero in on the thing that is important to us. If going to a lantern festival and seeing the lanterns rise to the sky is the entire reason for going, then ensure that you have positioned yourself in a spot to watch the lanterns rise. Perhaps be willing to forgo releasing a lantern of your own. You won’t want to ruin the experience by standing in line waiting endlessly to release your lantern and miss the wonder of the moment of them all rising or be willing to be among the last participants to release it as you spend your time waiting simply watching rather than standing in line. This means you will no doubt be caught in the traffic afterwards, stressed as you try to navigate your way through throngs of people back to your car and spend a good bit of time winding your way slowly back to the main road. There are prices to be paid for the things we wish to do in addition to mere money spent.

My sister and I much more enjoy the experience of watching the lanterns rise than releasing them and would rather drive out to a spot nearby to watch them all rise and float to the sky away from the crowd than attend such an event. Not that we did not enjoy the act of releasing them, only that it was more fun to watch which means when we are considering attending various events we may choose to simply be spectators rather than participants. This is often a much cheaper and less time constrained option which suits the budget part of this bucket list quite well!

Understanding the constraints on a given activity is helpful in planning for it so that it can be fun rather than stressful and something to be remembered fondly rather than a moment ruined. Understanding what you really want out of something can help you manage those constraints and focus on protecting what you want to protect. Going kayaking on the Susquehanna River is a bucket list item for me in order to see the petroglyphs that are on a small rocky island in the middle of the river. Kayaking is also something that I want to do, but my focus is the petroglyphs. Any other activity that I may engage in around a small trip to the Harrisburg area is secondary to the petroglyphs. If the day comes and I’ve made plans to eat at a restaurant prior to the kayaking and traffic impedes my ability to get there in time, well then I shall simply go to a grocery store and grab something to go instead of going to the restaurant. Yes, my experience would be much improved by enjoying a delightful meal prior to going, but the trip wasn’t about the meal, it was about the petroglyphs. This may seem like something obvious but you would be surprised how easy it is to get caught up in things that don’t matter.

It is also important to be mindful during the experience itself. The first step of course is to put the damn phone down and actually engage with the thing you are trying to engage with. I love photography as much as the next person, perhaps more so since I was motivated enough to take a photography course in college. However, if you spent your entire time lining up shots and taking pictures your only memories will be of holding your phone and taking pictures. The magic of the moment is robbed. Sure you have some snazzy things to put on your social media but as I have noted before the dopamine rush from those likes are fleeting and only cheapen the whole experience. Remember this isn’t about checking off boxes on a to do list, this is about living joyfully in the moment!

I have very few pictures of ice skating with my sister for the first time. I have maybe five, but those are enough to help trigger the many memories I stored up that day. I remember the slow learning of how to move on the ice, clinging to the side for dear life, my stomach in knots every time I slipped and then the thrill of finally letting go of the sides and skating on my own, the triumph of the moment. I remember how it was a very small crowd of people on the ice that morning being the end of the season and how all of us didn’t know how to skate; how we cheered each other on even though we were perfect strangers, how we celebrated each other’s victories and how proud we all were of one another. If we had all been worried about our social media pages, we wouldn’t have made that real human connection. By building some walls around the activity with regards to the barriers that come between you and actually enjoying what you’re doing.

It is equally important to make sure things are clearly communicated among those who are going with you. If say you are making a day trip to D.C. and for you the priority is seeing the copy of the Magna Carta under dom of congress and your friend’s priority is seeing the neanderthal skeleton by all means don’t waste most of your day flitting about the National Air and Space Museum. It is important for both of you to clearly communicate your priorities and goals so that there are no hard feelings. If things like weather or traffic or national emergencies prevent you from doing all of your plans, you both know which things to cut out. The same can be said of any time constraints. It is not enough to say “would you like to go to this general area and here all the things we can do” and agree to the itinerary, as it is likely to need to be adjusted or changed. It also prevents those awkward moments where the party must split in order for both people or persons to get what they want.

If you agree ahead of time (and with the power of cellphones to easily stay in touch) that should time prevent you from sticking together you are agreed to split. However, that is also the time for a person to object and say “it is actually quite important to me that you experience this with me so that we can have a shared experience to reflect on later”. Time spent together is after all a love language for many people. Be mindful not to judge the other person for their strong desire or what is truly important to them.

Again, reflecting ahead of time and communication is key. It’s all about having clear boundaries and realistic expectations. You may find that these ideas are so effective with your bucket list, you start applying them to the holiday season as well and discover the magic is still there!

Don’t Live Some Else’s Life

Published on May 15, 2024May 4, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

It is quite tempting to go to other people’s bucket lists and put down whatever they have put down. Many are things that just seem like they ought to go on a bucket list, throwing the first pitch out at a baseball game or summiting a mountain. We put them down on the list because those seem like things we “ought” to do. However, that is not the essence of this sort of bucket list! Know thyself is our rallying cry!

The entire point is for us to live our lives to the fullest right where we are and that does not mean living someone else’s life. I would never put down throwing a pitch out at a baseball game or going to the Super Bowl. I don’t like sports. I don’t like watching them or playing them so why on earth would I include something like that on my list? I know this may seem rather strange as with the reverse bucket list, I encouraged people to put down items they may not even seemingly care about. However, that was about cultivating a spirit of gratitude for what you have already gotten and a spirit of childlike adventure as you go about living out your day to day life. It was not for us to become anything other than we are. I mean I might want to summit a mountain at some point, I do like hiking but I don’t LOVE hiking, so maybe a small one as like a physical challenge, but I’m not climbing to the peak of Mount Everest. It’s cold and way too much snow.

We don’t want our energy to get focused on following the dreams of other people and losing our own sense of self in the societal expectations of the things we ought to pursue. If you find yourself engaging in activities for the likes, comments and accolades of others then chances are that “bucket” list item should have never been there in the first place because it didn’t come from your own real desire. Not only are we giving into pressures to spend our precious time and energy doing something that we don’t actually want to do, we cheapen any joy we may get out of doing it by not living in the moment. Doing something outside your norm should be about self discovery and exploration not about your social media and certainly not about meeting other people’s expectations!

It’s not that something that you wouldn’t necessarily do should never be on your list, but the reason for it being on your list should resonate with you. My sister often is my go to person for my adventures and there have been times when she has suggested an adventure or experience that wouldn’t be on my radar like woodworking. It’s not an activity that has ever “spoken” to me, but I am willing to give it a shot and see, to learn something new. It’s still within the realm of something I’d enjoy doing. I have enjoyed many different sorts of crafts, so why not that one? That is the self-discovery part, trying new things and learning about myself. I am certain that when I do embark on it, if I approach it mindfully, I shall enjoy it immensely, learn something new and develop a greater appreciation for the craft.

As I said earlier, I wouldn’t put on my list throwing the first pitch out at a baseball game on my list, but let’s say I had a dear friend who offered this experience as well as a chance to meet the players and other things around the baseball game. I might very well take them up on this offer if I were exploring other aspects around baseball. Something that greatly interests me is anthropology. I could very well go to such a cultural event if for no other reason than to fully immerse myself in it from a more intellectual and cerebral perspective. I may be intrigued by the traditions and rituals surrounding the event. Suddenly the act of throwing out the first pitch as participation in these becomes something much more exciting and intriguing for me. I may develop a greater appreciation for my friend’s passion, understanding his connection to the tribe of his team and the significance it plays in his life. It becomes more about gaining a new perspective on someone I care deeply for and allowing myself to see their passion through their eyes rather than my own. I have found that almost any topic intrigues me when a passionate expert shares it with me, so while I won’t add it to my list it’s not something I would necessary turn down flat if offered depending on who was asking.

Sometimes you just gotta be a little silly!

It is about being intentional not only in the things we decide to do but also in the act itself. When we’re doing something for outside acceptance it will be spent getting just the right pictures and thinking about what it will look like on social media rather than truly being present. This goes for things that we want to do as well but even more so with things that do not resonate with who we are. Sharing things on social media is all well and good to have those we care about share in our joy. However, it goes beyond simply sharing a joyful moment or capturing a memory then you’re probably sucking the soul right out of the experience. It is about cultivating real, authentic experiences which enrich our lives, not chasing the image of what someone else thinks our lives should look like. This goes for any goal or life milestone. Our lives are far too short to be caught up in the oughts or shoulds of expectations, especially when we have so many oughts and shoulds that are required for minimal comforts like getting a job and paying our electric bill. When you are looking back at your life do you want to live in regret having chased down other people’s approval and status or do you want to look back with joyful gratitude for a life well lived?