Uncategorized – Page 5 – Budget Bliss: Bucket List

Not my Monkey, Not my Circus

Published on December 31, 2024November 10, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

Those have got to be six of the most freeing words I have ever heard uttered. They were spoken by the executive director of my internship placement and it was a lightbulb moment. As a young, budding professional still in graduate school, I often took on more than what was mine. I was shouldering burdens, piling on unnecessary stress and adding to my every growing pile of responsibilities. Seeing her close her eyes and utter those words were deeply profound, it was like getting permission to start setting boundaries around my professional and personal responsibilities even if the actions of other people affected my responsibilities. It gave me the freedom to say if someone else doesn’t get their piece done, it doesn’t mean I have to step in.

The idiom actually comes from a Polish proverb, but its colorful imagery resonates so strongly that it needed almost no translation when it crossed over to the English speaking world. It perfectly encapsulates personal boundaries and discretion, encouraging us to consider where our responsibilities lie. We we invoke this phrase it means that we must practice discernment about what is ours to handle and what we have to others handle. It helps us prioritize our energy and attention rather than leaping to intervene. It also helps us relinquish control to others.

I can at times be a bit of a control freak. This probably stems from perfectionism and anxiety. I want to do a good job; I want to be helpful; I want the whole group to do well, and I want to know that it’s done. This means that if someone else on the team isn’t doing their part, I just step in and take over without necessarily being asked or considering that maybe the other person was in the process of doing it, just not on my timeline. This means that sometimes I jump in and just do for someone rather than allowing them to do it themselves.

I was on the receiving end of this once and I was rather annoyed. I was working with a partner in class and we had split the parts of the project it was due in three weeks. Not a week after the assignment, she had completed the entire thing, robbing me of the experience of learning and I was worried I’d get a bad grade on the project because she didn’t let me do anything. It communicated a lack of trust and a poor assessment of my skills. So, instead of both of us being happy with the work and doing well, she felt resentful and overburdened and I felt insulted.

My mother is also someone who has needed to learn this phrase. She is a go-getter and also a bit of a perfectionist- I can’t imagine where I got my perfectionistic trait from, ‘tis a mystery that only the wisest of sages shall ever be able to solve. Alas, us mere mortals shall simply have to remain in the dark.

My mother too has fallen into the trap taking on that which was not hers. I saw this play out in her stories from her job. Where one of her co-workers would fall behind and leave work undone. My mother, being the responsible person that she is, would complete her work and then help that person. Well, that person kept leaving more and more work for my mother. Until, she would simply never do anything she didn’t feel like doing leaving my mother feeling resentful and angry. The final straw was when my mother’s supervisor tried to start holding my mother accountable for the undone work instead of her fellow employee!

So you can see dear reader, the dangers that lurk when one forgets which monkeys belong to your circus and which monkeys belong to the other persons. Your relationships with others suffer. You may reinforce the idea that the person is a failure and can’t be trusted with responsibility undermining their sense of competency and self-worth. You may find them upset that you rob them of opportunities to grow and try. You may find that they take advantage of you by constantly passing on the responsibility to you. You will also find that you’re overburdened and burned out. You will be resentful towards those whose responsibilities you now hold. One thing we know about resentment is that it is a relationship killer. It often leads to anger, fuels criticism and feeds contempt.

Photo by Merilin Kirsika Tedder on Pexels.com

This phrase is part of setting boundaries, of knowing where you start and stop. It is not my responsibility to get my neighbor to mow his lawn, even though the tall grass might annoy me. Going over there and mowing the lawn for him, may be seen as a nice gesture, but only if I knocked on the door and asked if he would like some assistance. Otherwise, it’s trespassing on private property and socially unacceptable. While it may be nice for me to watch my friend’s child when she goes to the hospital, it’s not my responsibility to do so and if I can’t watch the child because I have other responsibilities that I need to take care of, those needs come before hers. It is not my responsibility to complete the work of my neighbor, partner, parent, friend, co-worker or anyone else.

My co-worker recently asked if I could switch on-call weeks with her. I almost said yes, but then checked my calendar. I had an appointment that weekend and I purposefully had not taken the on-call phone so I could keep that appointment. I told her no. The on-call phone was not my monkey that week and it wasn’t my problem that she had forgotten about her plans that weekend when she agreed to take it. She did get another co-worker to switch, but had I not heard that phrase I probably would have said yes and then felt resentful and angry if I had gotten called that weekend.

When I can clearly see what monkeys belong in my circus, I can focus on the things that I am responsible for and let go of what I am not. This freeing phrase is a stable of my life and I hope, dear reader, it becomes a stable of yours.

Being Okay With Missing Out

Published on December 17, 2024November 10, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

In the spring of 2024, a wonderful and amazing phenomenon occurred. The Northern Lights were visible throughout much of Northern America, even down as far as Puerto Rico. Not only was it visible, it was visible on a Friday night, meaning that one was free to stay up late and really enjoy the rare visual display so far south. Unless you were where I lived. Where it was cloudy for miles. Unfortunately, I did not have the capacity to go drive for miles just to see them, though the temptation was certainly there.

The level of frustration that I felt the next morning seeing thousands of pictures flooding my feeds and social media was astronomical. It seemed that everyone else had gotten to enjoy my dream, but me. People who had not even cared about ever seeing the Northern Lights got to see them, but not me, a person who has been dreaming about it since she was a young child! It is always cloudy during major astronomical events at my house from the planetary alignment, to the comet to this! It was unfair! It wasn’t right! Stupid weather! Stupid sky! Stupid sun! Grrrrrrrr!!!

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and reminded myself of all the times the universe had responded to my hopes with a no and how often those “no’s” had led to bigger and better things later. I would trust in the process of life. Had I not just experienced a total solar eclipse in Vermont after missing one almost seven years prior? If I had not missed out on the one, would I have gone to Vermont or New England? Perhaps, not. Did the “no” not open up something wonderful, even if seven years in the making?

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

I could continue to dwell on it, cursing the decision I made to not drive in the middle of the night to go see them. But then would I have even enjoyed them, being tired and stressed out from rushing to see them? Would I have cut my experience short, because of the obligations I needed to meet the next day? Then having “crossed it off the list” no longer consider trying to go and see them to really enjoy them? A bucket list dream come true or a check in the box? There is a reason I opted not to jump in my car and rush to go see them. There is a reason, I choose to wait for the right time, because trying to force an experience often robs us of fully enjoying it. And truth be told, there have been several more instances since May of the Northern lights gracing the skies, only for it to be cloudy. Every. Single. Time. At this point, it’s just comedic, and I just laugh at the universe remembering that now is not the time to force things.

When we try to force things, it’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, it just doesn’t work. There’s all these gaps around the peg where something is missing and it’s a tenuous hold at best. We rush through the experience, we don’t savor or enjoy it. The anxiety and stress of trying to just “make it work” is what we remember rather than the end journey. In our faulty human ways, we may end up sabotaging ourselves and robbing the future us of something much better. We miss the blessing that was being given to us in that moment, rejecting both the current one and the future one.

It can be difficult to accept missing out, especially when it is something you really wanted. It can be even more so when it seems that everyone else got it. The question becomes when is it my turn? When is it my time? Why can’t I have it right now? Don’t I deserve to have it? The answer may be not yet, it may even be not ever. That last one can be a difficult truth to swallow. Sometimes the “no” is unchanging and we will never get what we’ve asked for. We cannot know the reason for this, but focusing on the no, blinds us to all the times we hear yes. It robs us of the joy of what we have and the gratitude for all the blessings that are still coming. The not ever may be because we were meant for a bigger blessing than the one we were asking for, but if we constantly reject the blessing because we are so focused on the thing we wanted, then we may get neither.

No one likes missing out, and it is a perfectly human response to be frustrated and sad. However, we should not swim in these feelings, building up anger and resentment. Imagine if I had spent my time shaking my fist at heaven for a missed “blessing” when I had only a few weeks prior experienced an awe inspiring total eclipse? How quickly we forget the things we have, when we sit in a moment of lack. How fleeting those moments become when we let them slip through our fingers when the next obstacle comes into our path? If instead we focus on the blessings we have received, we bring those blessings forward with us into the moment. We instill hope for the future and begin to look forward to what surprises the universe may have in store for us. We find ourselves enriched rather than lacking.

The moment of frustration passed, leaving me sipping my coffee and reminiscing about my recent trip to New England. I relived the awe of seeing the sun slip behind the moon, the way the day turned to twilight, the sudden drop in temperature as the darkness took hold. The northern lights will come again and I will see them when the moment is right. Until then, I will continue to cultivate a bucket list life in all the moments between and continually recall the blessings I have received. I certainly don’t need to wait for the lights to check the other things off my list. After all, if I am become too laser focused on the lights, I may miss other opportunities for bigger and better things. Whatever blessings that are in store for me, I want to be there with arms open to receive them.

Accepting the Suck: Emotional Honesty

Published on December 10, 2024November 10, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

I spend quite a bit of my time here writing about having a positive outlook. I talk about looking at challenges as opportunities, to focus on the blessings you have and going with the flow. These are all good things to do.

However, there are times when life sucks. Sure you may have lost your job and the magical opportunity for a new one may be just around the corner, but in the meantime you still have to pay the electric bill and put food on your table. That’s stressful and it stinks. Sometimes you get terrible news about your health. I suppose good things can come of having cancer but let us not pretend it will be a picnic or that in general life is much better having not had cancer. I have yet to meet a single person with a chronic illness who says the “perks” are worth the price. I know I have written about how lost relationships can be opportunities for new ones to come into our lives, but a loss through death isn’t something that should be reframed in that light.

It would be emotional dishonesty to not allow yourself the time to really process the negative emotions. Skipping over the “suck” right to the positive rainbows and unicorns of positive thinking renders positive thinking into exactly that, useless positive thoughts. Repressing our emotions is not healthy. If we are hurt, sad or angry, we need to let ourselves fully feel them first before we can move forward. Like a small child our emotions deserve more than a cold “buck up”. They deserve a warm hug and an understanding ear. They deserve acknowledgement and compassion.

How do we feel when we try to express ourselves to a loved one only to have them rush us through because they cannot sit in our discomfort? Do we feel seen or even valued? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I try to approach myself in the way I might a dear friend when trying to offer genuine comfort. The key is to be curious about what’s really going on rather than offering trite “it will be okay” or “well at least….” I may ask myself why I am so worried. I may ask some challenging questions to stop turning my worries into a catastrophe or even ask okay well if the worst does happen then what? I may ask myself what beliefs about myself I’m currently cultivating or if the situation is a threat to my sense of identity. These are all hard questions that can be difficult to face, but face them I must if I am to truly get down in the muck and embrace the suck. I often find that journaling out the emotions to examine them is the most helpful exercise. I can look at the entries for themes and underlying negative beliefs that ought to be challenged. I can see when I’ve blown something out of proportion.

Often by working through the emotions and acknowledging the truth of the situation as one that is objectively awful to go through, I can start to shift into a genuinely positive state. I can find ways to look at the situation as a place of opportunity. I may look at the situation as a time for me to grow closer to God and renew my faith. I can feel true gratitude for being in such a place at this time. I can say that while not a great experience, it is a necessary one for my own personal growth. This is not always the case, after having a terminal cancer diagnosis isn’t going to suddenly become a good thing with a few journal entries and some light cognitive behavioral therapy. Potentially losing your home and becoming homeless may later on be a great thing because it helped you get your life on a better track and even led to you being eligible for a program that got you permanently out of poverty, but the process is not fun by any stretch of the imagination. It is often extremely traumatizing and trauma isn’t something to be covered up with fairy stickers and glitter.

However, only by working through negative emotions, even trauma, can we begin to move beyond them to the place where we want to be. As long as we ignore them and suppress them, they will continue to rule our lives popping up in the form of anxieties, doubts, negative self-talk, poor self-esteem, depression, sleep disorders and other psycho-somatic and psychological symptoms. We’re not just trying to cross off things on our bucket lists, we’re striving to live life to the fullest and be the best possible versions of ourselves. After all, if we don’t deal with the things that are bothering us, then we may fall into the trap of hedonism and escapism, not fully experiencing life because we’re too numb to feel.

So embrace, the suck, feel it deeply and fully, cry, scream, yell, punch your pillow, throw something at the wall and watch it shatter! Seriously, go to Goodwill buy some $2 cups and go nuts! Just don’t damage your walls, ensure pets and small children are clear from the area, warn your partner/roommates. Or smash it to bits with a hammer! Put it in a plastic bag wrap it in an old towel and enjoy! Do whatever you need to do to get your emotions out and feel some catharsis. It’s only when we’re emotionally honest and recognize our negative feelings, that we can really begin to process them.

Visiting History: Gettysburg Battlefield

Published on December 6, 2024December 7, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

The battle of Gettysburg was one of the defining moments of American history. The Union’s victory over the Confederate army was the turning point in the Civil War, leading to the restoration of the union and ensuring the end of slavery. The battle took place over the course of three days from July 1st to July 3rd, almost coinciding with our nation’s 86th birthday. It was also one of the bloodiest most devastating battles in our history.

Visiting the site of this place can be a bit surreal. Today, the fields lay semi-empty. The dead have been given proper burial. The gunfire has long since ceased and it only returns for reenactments and salutes to honor the fallen. To the educated eye one can still see the evidence of the battle and how the lay of the land was shaped by it and helped to shape the battle itself. For example, one can still see clearly how the Union’s superior position of the high ground helped them win despite having less troops.

It is now home to many monuments to the fallen from all over the states. Naturally, the Pennsylvania monument is absolutely massive, but others are smaller. Some are dedicated to large groups, but then there are more specific battalions and legions remembered. It is easy to forget that each of the men who perished on the field had a name, a story and purpose to be there. It is not easy to take up arms against one’s own countrymen.

In the surrounding town, they offer various walking tours highlighting moments of history. They talk about the miracle that only one civilian died in the fighting, they point out bullet holes. What is really striking though is the sheer amount of death the residents saw, the description of pools of blood from the surgeries and piles of limbs that had been hacked off to try to save lives. They describe the stench that lingered for weeks in the hot summer. They whisper of ghosts still lingering on over a century later. If one believes in such things.

Still in among the ghost stories, there is real history being remembered. There was a high cost to pay to preserve our country more than the cost to form it originally. It answered the question of whether we truly were a nation of freedom for all or only for some. A question that will need to be periodically asked and answered as we continue to navigate conflicting rights and values. It is a place that when visited demands at least some reflection of the cost that had to be paid for today’s America.

Despite growing up relatively close to it, I had not really visited the battlefield until I was an adult. The annual classroom field trip that year had been replaced with a trip to Philadelphia to see the visiting display of the Russian Tsars. When my family did finally visit, I was a teenager and the thought of tramping about a field in the heat of summer with my father was unappealing, and I opted to go elsewhere with my mom and let my brother and father walk about the fields. So in the fall of 2018, I finally went with my boyfriend to see where it all happened, put history in perspective and learn more about this monumental event in our nation’s history.

I can’t say that I necessarily learned anything new about the battle that I hadn’t already heard in the classroom or seen in documentaries, but what I did know was brought to life by seeing the physical artifacts from the battle and hearing the intimate stories of the people who were there both solider and civilian on both sides of the war. There’s something to be said about seeing and interacting with physical objects that allows our minds to form a more emotional connection with the knowledge or at least enhance our knowledge through other senses.

It is always strange to visit the site where tragedy took place and one must acknowledge the Civil War was tragic. It was tragic for a nation to be ripped apart and that the effects of that can still be seen over a hundred years later. It is also tragic it took a civil war to confer the basic human right of freedom from slavery to all living under our nation’s flag. On one hand, it is a place of history that should be remembered and respected, a place where people died to give other people freedom. On the other hand, it’s a site of enjoyment and relaxation. People come to visit on their vacations and for a day off of school. They enact the battle for entertainment, as well as to keep the stories alive. Children run through the fields laughing and playing around the cannons. Tourists take goofy pictures in front of memorials. For me the juxtaposition of both is important, because in some ways it means healing has taken place and is a testament to the resilience of people and our nation.

How can you add this to your own bucket list?

Unfortunately, this is one of those things that cannot be substituted easily if going to the actual Battlefield of Gettysburg is on your list. It’s in PA and unless you’re nearby, it won’t be cheap or easy to get here. In which case, may I recommend google flight tracker and hotels.com? This may be an instance of the principle of the item rather than the item itself. The principle behind visiting Gettysburg was to see an important site of our nation’s history that helped shape our identity and defined us. If you live in the south, there are many other Civil War battlefields that you can visit. If you live in the North East, especially in New England, then you can visit many sites from the Revolutionary War. In the South West, you have the Mexican-American War. California was home to the gold rush as well as the Japanese Internment Camps and the Watts-Riots. The Midwest is of course home to the west itself and the expansion of white settlers into the territories. I highly recommend seeing what is near your hometown. You may be surprised to find your seemingly insignificant part of the country actually helped shape us in the amazing country that it is today.

Completed: 2018

Miles from home: 75

Cost: Free to visit the Battlefield, Visitor’s Center. Museum is $15, Museum+ Film is $21

I want to Live!

Published on November 19, 2024November 9, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

I want to drink deeply from the cup of life. I want to see the wonders of nature. I want to try new things. I want to challenge myself. I want to grow and change and become a better version of myself than I was yesterday. I want to gain new skills. I want to meet interesting people. I want to see art, appreciate beauty, appreciate architecture and see with new eyes. I want to listen to music that is reminiscent of heaven and speaks to my soul. I want to stay up so late I see the sunrise the next morning. I want to dance and sing without regard to what others think. I want to take candid pictures and post them without filtering or editing. I want to take road trips. I want to be spontaneous. I want to run through the forest. I want to chase fog and make flower crowns. I want to visit coffee shops, browse thrift stores for treasures and explore craft fairs. I want to visit museums and archaeological sites. I want to explore places. I want to simply stop and admire the view. I want to make memories and deepen my relationships with people.

I don’t want to spend my life in regret wondering about the chances I never took. I don’t want to spend hours scrolling through on my phone wishing I could have the life I see on social media. I don’t want to waste my time dreaming of things I can’t afford or do or places I can’t afford to travel to. I don’t want to miss out on the things I could be doing because I was too busy wishing for the things that are out of reach. I don’t want to spend all day with my head in the clouds not minding what is right in front of me. I don’t want to listen to the people telling me that what I am isn’t good enough or that my life isn’t there yet. I don’t want to miss the blessings I have demanding the blessings I don’t have yet. I don’t want to live in fear of what people might think or say or do because of being authentic to myself.

My bucket list isn’t just a checklist, it’s a call to action to remind me that I get to create an adventurous life. It helps push me to keep trying new things and to seek out new experiences. I’m always adding things to my list and revising it. I am constantly on the lookout for opportunities and unexplored areas. I may not always be doing things that people would consider “bucket list worthy”, but they’re moments outside my usual routine whether it’s taking a train ride to do a wine tasting or dying a scarf.

It’s also not about chasing the next thing because life is supposed to have the mundane and the routine. There will be dishes and laundry, there will be days at home with tea and books. There will be lazy mornings snuggling with cats. Those are moments to savor as well which is why adopting a cat is on my list. It’s about living. Whether it be the everyday moments or the extraordinary and all the moments in between.

And more than anything, dear reader, I want to live.

Livin’ In an Amish Paradise: Hometown Pride

Published on November 1, 2024September 1, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

It can be quite easy to forget that wherever you live, someone dreams of visiting. Maybe not your particular town or neighborhood, but certainly places nearby. I once worked with a young woman whose dream was to move to South Dakota much to my bewilderment and last time I spoke with her, she was absolutely loving her decision. I used to dream of going to the west to see the Rocky Mountains or the west coast. Others apparently dream of coming to my part of the country to see the Amish.

I remember when I was seeking inspiration for my bucket list and I stumbled across one that included visiting Lancaster County. I knew growing up that I lived in a tourist destination and that people came here, but it wasn’t until I saw it on someone’s bucket list that it truly sunk in that the place I was constantly trying to escape from, other people wanted to come to and it was a big deal to do so.

I started exploring what made Lancaster so unique and special that made it a destination worthy of someone’s list. What I discovered is that it actually is a special place with its own subculture and quirks that make it so charming to outsiders. I began to appreciate what was in front of me, enjoying the rolling farmlands near my house, seeing beauty in the corn and wheat fields, savoring the seasonal changes and stopping to admire the farm animals frolicing in their pens. I learned the ubiquitous fruit stands and farmers markets scattered throughout the county were rare treats elsewhere. It’s home to America’s Coolest Small Town 2016, Lititz, and recently two of America’s best buffets, Shady Maple and Miller’s Smorgasbord.

Is it still Coolest Small Town in America? Maybe, maybe not – but it is pretty awesome.

In addition to all things Amish, we boast a rich art scene with its many art galleries and Lancaster’s School of the Arts. We’re home to the Fulton Theater as well as Sight & Sound and American Music Theater. We still preserve many of the folk arts here which can be found at many shops in the tourist areas. However, if you want a more hands-on experience, there are tons of workshops in the area through PA’s Artisans Guild which helps keep these crafts going.

We have street fairs throughout the fall as well as craft fairs in the spring and late summer. We host farms shows and even have tractor square dancing! Although, don’t ask me about it, I had no idea that was a thing until my early 30s.

The truth is, I am now grateful to be living here whereas before I was always looking to escape to far flung places instead of realizing what I had in my own backyard. It would be easy to dismiss my small town as boring and “uninteresting”, looking to the bigger cities or tropical islands of the caribbean. I can make every day moments bucket list worthy. Instead of being annoyed when I am driving and I come across a farmer helping his flock across the road, I take the time to savor what I’m seeing. It’s actually quite pastoral and idyllic to watch. I get excited when I hear the tell-tale clop of hooves on the road signaling the approach of a horse and buggy. I take time to stop at the stalls along the road rather than continuing to drive on.

Sheep! I love seeing the little lambs in the spring time.

My everyday life is another person’s vacation. Sure it’s easy when you’re on a vacation to enjoy the mundane as extraordinary. On a vacation you aren’t worried about the everyday stresses of life like getting to work on time, picking up the groceries, rushing home to the wife and kids, so lingering at a farmer’s market is a luxury the tourists have that I don’t have. When you’re on vacation, you aren’t quite as pressed for time, you can linger and savor what you’re experiencing. Your worries take a backseat to the present moment. Without the worry of time and everyday responsibilities, it’s easy to mistake a foreign place as better than our own homes. I think that’s why some people will regret moving to a place they loved to vacation in, because the reality of everyday life doesn’t match the rosy picture they had as a tourist. We can apply the opposite approach to our homes, realizing that we can recreate those feelings for ourselves at home with the right approach.

How can you cultivate hometown pride?

The first is to take the message of this post to heart. Somebody wants to come to your area and visit and that someone is willing to pay money, perhaps not an insignificant amount to do it. It’s so easy to miss the life that’s in front of us when we spend our lives looking ahead to the future, to excitement and adventure, scrolling on our phones while life passes us by. Your adventure is right out your front door!

The trick is to stop taking your surroundings for granted, to ground yourself in the moment and be mindful about your sensory experience. Instead of rushing into the farmer’s stand grabbing my groceries and leaving as quickly as possible. I will try and make time to pursue the produce, carefully examine the baked goods and give into temptation with the local honey. Last time, I even purchased a cool meadow mint tea in a glass bottle. For those of you not in the know, Lancaster has a unique meadow mint tea that the Amish make and it is a summer treat for the locals. Rather than drinking it down quickly, I slowly sipped it, letting it dance upon my tongue just like I used to do as a child. Did I still have to return back to my housework and garden? Yes, but for about ten minutes, I let all the stress melt into the background and took in my hometown with an outsider’s eyes.

Completed: Around 2017

Miles from home: 0

Cost: Free

Stables near my home, I pass it almost every week. I finally took the time to pull over an appreciate the sight.

Reframing: Shifting the Focus

Published on October 29, 2024August 29, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

It has been noted by my fellow therapists that I am exceptionally good at what is called “reframing” or the practice of looking at a seemingly negative circumstance and seeing the positives in it. Even something like a loss may be reframed in a positive light despite the pain of the loss.

A forest fire is painful, but necessary for the life cycle of the forest. Loss in life is the same. The part that burned will take years, even decades to recover and the marks of the fire do remain even centuries later, else we would not find it in the records of the forest. However, without the fire new growth could not happen and the forest would ultimately suffer.

Consider the loss of a relationship after a break up. This could be a very good thing. After all, we only have so much time to cultivate and grow our relationships with other people. On average, we can really only maintain about 200 relationships, if someone leaves, what a delightful opportunity this could be! You may spend your energy elsewhere, growing deeper more meaningful relationships with those you already spend time with or it leaves you open to a new one. It is not to devalue the relationship that you had or have, people are not cogwheels easily replaced. We should also not adopt an attitude of not valuing relationships at all, having deep and meaningful relationships are important to our mental health and well-being. It is to say that we should mourn the loss and allow ourselves the opportunity to grow.

The reframe is not about finding a silver lining or putting a false positive “spin” on the facts. It is about not dwelling and getting ourselves mired in the muck. We are like cameras shifting our focus from the foreground where all the action is to the background where the action is about to happen. So often you’ll be watching a movie with a battle scene and right before the reinforcements arrive, the scene shifts to a blurry hill and then just as the cavalry crests the hill, it comes sharply into frame. That’s the reframe! It’s about focusing on what is going well or what could go well rather than what is going wrong or about to go wrong.

The cynical reader will rightly be grumbling about now about how the calvary doesn’t always come and the loss of the relationship didn’t result in any positive outcomes. This is true dear reader! Life can often seem terribly unjust and it is one catastrophe after another! A silver lining person may say something trite about how you gained all this resilience and built all this character. Character is nice and all but it doesn’t keep a roof over my head or food in my belly – unless you’re an actor then I suppose that’s sort of the job.

My response to this is that it isn’t helpful to dwell on the negative. Absolutely, acknowledge it, process it, be emotionally honest about the problems and then shift your focus to a growth mindset. You should never try to invalidate or suppress your feelings because that leads to its own problems. It isn’t helpful to impose self-limiting beliefs when you’re already in a limiting situation. This isn’t about false hope. My reframes are often from a very pragmatic and practical mindset focusing on positive things and trying to build on those positive items because that is what works.

Reframing is always asking if there is another way to view this issue. It challenges the current thought process to consider if your view realistic, is it based on facts or feelings, what other theories could you come up with to explain this situation, is it as black and white as you may think it is and is your view out of habit or is there something there to support it? It’s about questioning the current narrative to one where you can take steps towards the things you want. When we reframe, we remove roadblocks that we don’t even realize we set up.

The earlier reframe about a loss relationship is a direct challenge to the idea that it was the ONLY quality relationship a person could have and that without that relationship the person would die alone. By looking at it as an opportunity to cultivate the current relationships or allow a new relationships the narrative shifts from one of hopelessness to one of hope, from one of being closed off to relationships to openness to them.

Reframing about opening ourselves up to different stories that allow us to shape more desirable endings. It empowers you to take those negative thoughts around a problem and transform them into potential solutions. We aren’t able to control very much in this crazy chaotic world that we live in, but we can control our thoughts and how to respond to all the craziness that happens. When we overly focus on the negative aspects of a given issue, we give those more power than they have a right to have. By working to reframe, we shift the power back to ourselves, and place ourselves in a position to pivot to the opportunities that the universe presents us with.

In the Pursuit of Happiness Be Careful What You Leave Behind

Published on October 22, 2024August 29, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

I have written earlier about the choices we make and that there is always a cost to be paid. I encourage you dear reader, not to be disheartened with this advice. It is not an admonishment to not do things. It is only a word of caution to walk through a given door with your eyes open and prepared for what the task ahead will ask of you.

Consider the high performing lawyer. She goes to school, gets into a prestigious practice, starts working very hard, makes partner, earns a lot of money, and works very long hours. Suddenly, one day she wakes up and realizes she has lost touch with her family, she have no real friends because the only people she interacts with are her fellow lawyers who are only out to compete with her, she has a beautiful apartment she never sees and decides to quit taking a much lower paying job so that she can actually have a life outside the office, maybe get married, and have a child.

If she chooses to get married, have a child and keep her career working 70 to 80 hours a week, who will raise that child? Certainly not her directly, but whatever hired help she has. What kind of relationship will she have with that child? It would be difficult to cultivate a close personal relationship with a child she barely sees, especially when she is probably missing out on all the important things to a child like dance recitals and birthday parties. This is not to judge someone who chooses this life, it’s just not the choice I would want to make. The good Lord knows I don’t want to be away from my cats that much, I imagine I will want to spend even more time with my own children. However, to each their own.

Now it is not always something as grand as career vs family when we make these choices. They can be small. We cannot be a master of all trades given our limited time and resources. Choosing to pursue one hobby will probably mean giving up another. If I choose to weight lift, I may not have time to learn how to paint. If I choose to play the violin, I probably won’t have time to learn to sew. If I spent all my time out of the house going places, I would not be able to have my cats. I am not saying that these are the only dichotomies. Rather a single yes to one thing closes the door on almost hundreds of others, but a choice must always be made. Even choosing not to choose is still a choice – often the worst option you can take as it almost always leads to less than optimal conditions.

A yes to learning German was a no to the other 7,000+ possible other languages. A yes to pursue psychology and social work, was a no to thousands of other career paths. The point of course is to consider what doors your “yes” is closing and what ones it is opening. As a goal oriented person, it can be easy to get “lost” in the pursuit of the goal. To blindly plough forward heedless of the destruction in your wake until you stand upon the mountain top to gaze upon a ruined domain.

How often did I find myself alienating my project partners blindly completing the project and “getting us the A” in school? I was often confused when they reacted badly to my process. We got it done didn’t we? Are you unhappy with our success? The goal was to get a good grade, mission accomplished. I did not know that there were other pieces of the project not on the rubric that I was supposed to learn like how to cooperate with people and cultivate working relationships. In my pursuit of the goal, I burned the relationships with my peers in school. In the pursuit of other goals, we may neglect relationships or lose sight of things that really matter.

What might we still be missing in the pursuit of our goals? That is not to say that we should not pursue those goals only to be cautious in the pursuit. When your life narrows down to a single goal or passion, be aware that chances are you are about to give up a lot of things. If you want to become a doctor, you will probably give up a lot of free time and sleep. Traveling the world may mean giving up secure roots and long term relationships. Becoming a star athlete will mean missing out on a lot of fun parties to train and compete. When picturing your best life what are the things that you most wish to preserve? What things do you want to accomplish and what do they require of you to do? Are there things you absolutely won’t give up? Are they worth holding onto even it means giving up on a dream?

Often what we feel will make us happy, money and fame leave us empty and unfulfilled. In chasing those dreams, we often damage the relationships that truly enrich us. That isn’t to say don’t pursue your dreams. There are plenty of worthy goals and dreams to pursue. Depending on your own internal value system what one person finds most important may not be the same for you. However, it’s important to reflect on what you really value before diving headlong in pursuit of a goal that doesn’t really align with who you are. It’s also important to not get too hung up on a singular path to achieve a goal. I wanted to help people live better lives. I’ve become a therapist, but if this blog takes off, maybe I’ll do this full time instead. Maybe, I’ll become a professor and teach. Maybe I’ll start a non-profit. I’m open to where God leads me to serve and I’ve been willing to forgo obtaining higher paying jobs to do so. If you feel the reward is worth the cost, by all means pay it, just reflect on what the costs may be before you agree to pay it.

Cultivate Daily Gratitude

Published on October 15, 2024July 26, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

It started off as an exercise during the season of Lent. Rather than giving up something, I would post for forty days one thing that I was grateful for. Sometimes, it was small things like my morning coffee or the joke someone told at work, other times it was big things like having a house and a job. I enjoyed it so much that I kept it up for nearly 3 years as a daily practice.

It did not transform my life per say. It did not lead me to riches or status or really much of anything “big”, at least not visually. Instead the practice brought me peace and joy. It is, perhaps, the reason, I started focusing on all my small outings with my friends and family as moments worthy of a bucket list. You can see throughout my posts expressions of gratitude towards challenges, hardship and loss. You may see it in how I now look with child-like wonder at the ordinary going-ons around me. It is not as one might suppose naivety about the world, but of this secret practice.

I have a naturally optimistic outlook, though where I got it from, remains a mystery as I come from a family of pessimists. For me even an empty glass is not truly empty or even a bad thing, why an empty glass may be better than a glass half full because now I get to choose what to fill it with like water or wine or healthy herbal infusion. An empty glass is full of potential!

I am known for my ability to “reframe” as my fellow therapists call it or the ability to look at a seemingly negative circumstance and see the positives in it. It is not a pollyanna approach where you place the “at least” game and border on toxic positivity. The reframe is about seeking opportunities in the situation to help you pivot in a positive direction rather than dwelling on the negatives. The job that did not work out is an opportunity for a different one. The break up, while heart wrenching, is a time for you to focus on your own growth and perhaps even find yourself again.

I find it is much easier to get into this growth mindset when I’ve been practicing gratitude on a daily basis. It is a semi-unconscious catalog of all the tools in your belt to handle situations. I have on any given day various coping skills and things that help me feel better. I remember people that I can tap to help me in tough situations and developed skills that let me overcome obstacles. It stretches my mind for creative thinking and problem solving. In practicing daily gratitude you begin to seek out more and more opportunities in almost any frustrating circumstances.

Anticipating an increased commute due to construction? Instead of grumbling, What books might you finally tackle on audiobook during that commute? Perhaps, you will even find yourself slipping into the slower lane because you really want to finish that chapter. Maybe you can use the time to listen to a podcast, or finally learn Spanish in the car with listening exercises. I have crossed off many books off my reading list with my car ride, because I was grateful for my commute. Do not think that I have mixed up the order of that previous sentence. I was indeed first grateful for my commute and then I began to use it for a positive thing. That is right, I was thankful for a hardship and then it became an opportunity.

An unexpected obstacle in my daily commute

My praise does not always have to start with something that seems positive. I have learned to be thankful even in the difficult moments so that they can be transformed. It is not an easy practice; I am not always successful, and I don’t recommend you start there. One must walk first and then run. Instead, start where I began, finding at least one positive thing each day to be happy about. The way your cat greeted you at the door. The smell of rain after a storm. The return of the spring flowers. A good night’s sleep. I recommend keeping yourself accountable with posts or a note in your calendar. You will find at first that some days it seems like you have a million things to be happy about and other days, you cannot think of one single thing. Go for low hanging fruit on those days, the roof over your head, the clothes on your back, the bed you can sleep in.

After a few months, you will probably begin to experience the same peace and joy for your daily life that I began to have. It is not always the easiest thing and there are times when periods of melancholy set in, but this practice has helped me through even the toughest of times. It has transformed my outlook towards the dales of life and even let me start to see that I really am living an amazing life. I’m sure you are as well if you just stop to see it.

Your Loved Ones Will Not Be Around Forever

Published on October 8, 2024July 26, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

Growing up, there was a cross stitch that hung on the wall of our house. On it was an except from “A Song for the Seventh Child” and it ended with the following line “Cleaning and scrubbing can wait ‘till tomorrow, for children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow, so quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep, I’m rocking my baby ‘cause babies don’t keep.”

One might wonder why such a thing stayed with me all these years, not yet having children. However, I have almost always had a beloved cat or dog and they grow old as I’ve learned to my own sorrow. There are moments when the dishes sit undone because a cat is snuggling on my lap. In fact, when my sister lived with us there was an established rule that if a cat decided to sit on you, the other sister did the dishes. It might seem like a strange thing but both of us agreed that it was more important to spend the time giving love and attention to a creature who would only be with us a short time than to fuss over whose turn it was to wash dishes. What was more important?

If I can apply that to pets, how much more to people? Almost no one gets to the end of their lives thinking they should have worked more or spent more time at the office. So often the refrain is “I should have spent more time with my family and friends. I should have made time for my children when they needed me. I should have snuggled my puppy just a little while longer.” Nor do we know how much time we really have with anyone.

My sister hugging me at graduation; she made sure to be there for me.

I have been surprised by the number of classmates already lost to accidents and diseases even though I’m not yet 40. The expectation is that you won’t hear of loss so young and that you won’t face the news of their passing until you’re well into your 70’s or 80’s. Car accidents happen, cancer happens, life happens. I’ve shared my mother had a stroke at 46 and clots in both her lungs in her late 50’s. These are precious moments you won’t get back so choose how you spend them wisely!

Furthermore, it is important to make sure we are cultivating relationships with our loved ones. There are plenty of stories to illustrate that when you do not prioritize your loved ones, your loved ones will find people who do. You may find yourself having built a beautiful life of loneliness without those you care about. How empty it must be to work so hard and sacrifice so much only to have accidentally sacrificed the thing you were working so hard to provide for? In the pursuit of a goal, you may lose contact with friends and family, over time they may simply conclude that you do not care about them, unless you make the time to be there. Be careful about what you give up when chasing a dream even if the dream is for a good reason.

There are times when I do consider pursuing higher things, pushing myself further, adding yet another hobby or taking on yet another responsibility. But then I consider what I would give up. The time I would miss out on spending with my friends, my family and yes, my cats. When such thoughts tempt me, I make a nice cup of tea, lay on my bed to have my cats nestle next to me and settle in for an afternoon of reading and snuggles. I have yet to regret a day spent with cats or those I love dearly.