It started off as an exercise during the season of Lent. Rather than giving up something, I would post for forty days one thing that I was grateful for. Sometimes, it was small things like my morning coffee or the joke someone told at work, other times it was big things like having a house and a job. I enjoyed it so much that I kept it up for nearly 3 years as a daily practice.
It did not transform my life per say. It did not lead me to riches or status or really much of anything “big”, at least not visually. Instead the practice brought me peace and joy. It is, perhaps, the reason, I started focusing on all my small outings with my friends and family as moments worthy of a bucket list. You can see throughout my posts expressions of gratitude towards challenges, hardship and loss. You may see it in how I now look with child-like wonder at the ordinary going-ons around me. It is not as one might suppose naivety about the world, but of this secret practice.
I have a naturally optimistic outlook, though where I got it from, remains a mystery as I come from a family of pessimists. For me even an empty glass is not truly empty or even a bad thing, why an empty glass may be better than a glass half full because now I get to choose what to fill it with like water or wine or healthy herbal infusion. An empty glass is full of potential!
I am known for my ability to “reframe” as my fellow therapists call it or the ability to look at a seemingly negative circumstance and see the positives in it. It is not a pollyanna approach where you place the “at least” game and border on toxic positivity. The reframe is about seeking opportunities in the situation to help you pivot in a positive direction rather than dwelling on the negatives. The job that did not work out is an opportunity for a different one. The break up, while heart wrenching, is a time for you to focus on your own growth and perhaps even find yourself again.
I find it is much easier to get into this growth mindset when I’ve been practicing gratitude on a daily basis. It is a semi-unconscious catalog of all the tools in your belt to handle situations. I have on any given day various coping skills and things that help me feel better. I remember people that I can tap to help me in tough situations and developed skills that let me overcome obstacles. It stretches my mind for creative thinking and problem solving. In practicing daily gratitude you begin to seek out more and more opportunities in almost any frustrating circumstances.
Anticipating an increased commute due to construction? Instead of grumbling, What books might you finally tackle on audiobook during that commute? Perhaps, you will even find yourself slipping into the slower lane because you really want to finish that chapter. Maybe you can use the time to listen to a podcast, or finally learn Spanish in the car with listening exercises. I have crossed off many books off my reading list with my car ride, because I was grateful for my commute. Do not think that I have mixed up the order of that previous sentence. I was indeed first grateful for my commute and then I began to use it for a positive thing. That is right, I was thankful for a hardship and then it became an opportunity.
An unexpected obstacle in my daily commute
My praise does not always have to start with something that seems positive. I have learned to be thankful even in the difficult moments so that they can be transformed. It is not an easy practice; I am not always successful, and I don’t recommend you start there. One must walk first and then run. Instead, start where I began, finding at least one positive thing each day to be happy about. The way your cat greeted you at the door. The smell of rain after a storm. The return of the spring flowers. A good night’s sleep. I recommend keeping yourself accountable with posts or a note in your calendar. You will find at first that some days it seems like you have a million things to be happy about and other days, you cannot think of one single thing. Go for low hanging fruit on those days, the roof over your head, the clothes on your back, the bed you can sleep in.
After a few months, you will probably begin to experience the same peace and joy for your daily life that I began to have. It is not always the easiest thing and there are times when periods of melancholy set in, but this practice has helped me through even the toughest of times. It has transformed my outlook towards the dales of life and even let me start to see that I really am living an amazing life. I’m sure you are as well if you just stop to see it.
I love fall, the cooler days after the scorching heat of summer, the changing leaves, the cozy sweaters and warm drinks. I love the stormy days and misty mornings. I love the way the world seems to nestle down for the coming winter.
One might wonder at something as mundane as a seasonal change being included on a bucket list. But then, dear reader, if you’ve read my other posts here then you already know my answer. If you have not, the answer is simple, because one ought to embrace the joy of living where one is at. One ought to remember that wherever one is, someone somewhere elsewhere dreams about the very place you find yourself. Think of all the millions of people who never get to experience the wonder of fall! Consider all the people who never get to see the leaves of their trees turn to brillant shades of yellow, orange and red. Throughout the tropical regions of the world, there are people who dream of witnessing the changing seasons, who find the vibrant colors of fall as enchanting as a tropical beach. There are even people in the United States who have never really experienced all four seasons as we do in the northern parts.
When was the last time you joyfully walked through them, crunching gleefully as you marched through them? Perhaps, you were a young child and no longer given over to such frivolous and silly things. I implore you dear reader, abandon your adult self with all its imposed rules of oughts and shoulds. Indeed embrace the fall with a child-like enthusiasm and wonder. See the season with the eyes of someone who has never seen this particular form of natural magic.
It was with this sort of attitude, that on my birthday I embarked to a nearby nature preserve to drink in the pleasure of the late fall. Trees typically peak about a week or two before my birthday meaning that there are often more leaves on the ground than in the trees and the forest isn’t quite as majestically dressed. The air is also usually a bit chillier requiring extra layers. That day I donned a hat, a warm caplet and fingerless gloves which would keep my fingers free for the task at hand.
I took a few moments to simply breathe in the crisp morning air savoring the flavor of the forest on the cusp of winter before venturing forth onto the path. I listened carefully to the sounds of the woods around me, the water gurgling in a nearby stream and the way the leaves rustled underfoot. I then drank in full the sights of the forest enjoying the brilliant color of the trees in their glory. With a child’s enthusiasm, I trounced through the woods at times kicking up the leaves, at other times standing quietly to simply enjoy the sights, smells and sounds. There were few others out on the trail that morning, but mostly I was alone with the forest.
I could not say just how long I was out there, but I walked quite a ways basking in nature’s glory before making the determination to go back. It was one the way back that I indulged in another child’s game, collecting leaves of various colors and forms. I made a bit of a game with it, sometimes exchanging a leaf that I had already picked up for one on the ground to make sure I did not become over burdened with them. With my collection well in hand, I headed back to my car quite content with my birthday treat to myself, a quiet morning fully immersed in the glory of autumn. It was something so incredibly simple, yet I enjoyed as much as an afternoon at a spa. I try to spend at least one day in the fall to really appreciate the season as if I were one of those tourists who traveled hundreds of miles on a carefully planned trip just to see the leaves. I am frequently amazed by the beauty that my home brings each year.
How to experience the beauty of fall?
If you live in the northern climes, I recommend tracking the peaking of the leaves in your local area and then planning a morning or afternoon out around that time to really enjoy the outdoors. Keep in mind that fall can be a rainy time of year, so being flexible is key. Luckily, it costs almost nothing to get out to the woods and go on a hike.
There are many other ways to enjoy fall like visiting a pumpkin patch, corn mazes, apple picking and more, but this activity is all about the leaves. You could go a step further and use the leaves for art projects. I used mine just as table decorations for a few days.
If you don’t live in a place where there is a dramatic shift of the seasons, embrace the cycles of the year wherever you may be. The subtler nature of the changes can be just as rewarding as the dramatic shift. Perhaps, there are certain flowers in bloom in the traditional autumn season that you can stop and appreciate. Appreciate the migration of birds who have come down to your warmer home to escape the coming cold of winter. Paying attention and celebrating nature throughout the year is a rewarding experience. We so often neglect the world around us as uninteresting and miss the magic that is occurring all around us instead looking to other people’s backyards for wonder and inspiration. Find the wonder in your natural environment.
Growing up, there was a cross stitch that hung on the wall of our house. On it was an except from “A Song for the Seventh Child” and it ended with the following line “Cleaning and scrubbing can wait ‘till tomorrow, for children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow, so quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep, I’m rocking my baby ‘cause babies don’t keep.”
One might wonder why such a thing stayed with me all these years, not yet having children. However, I have almost always had a beloved cat or dog and they grow old as I’ve learned to my own sorrow. There are moments when the dishes sit undone because a cat is snuggling on my lap. In fact, when my sister lived with us there was an established rule that if a cat decided to sit on you, the other sister did the dishes. It might seem like a strange thing but both of us agreed that it was more important to spend the time giving love and attention to a creature who would only be with us a short time than to fuss over whose turn it was to wash dishes. What was more important?
If I can apply that to pets, how much more to people? Almost no one gets to the end of their lives thinking they should have worked more or spent more time at the office. So often the refrain is “I should have spent more time with my family and friends. I should have made time for my children when they needed me. I should have snuggled my puppy just a little while longer.” Nor do we know how much time we really have with anyone.
My sister hugging me at graduation; she made sure to be there for me.
I have been surprised by the number of classmates already lost to accidents and diseases even though I’m not yet 40. The expectation is that you won’t hear of loss so young and that you won’t face the news of their passing until you’re well into your 70’s or 80’s. Car accidents happen, cancer happens, life happens. I’ve shared my mother had a stroke at 46 and clots in both her lungs in her late 50’s. These are precious moments you won’t get back so choose how you spend them wisely!
Furthermore, it is important to make sure we are cultivating relationships with our loved ones. There are plenty of stories to illustrate that when you do not prioritize your loved ones, your loved ones will find people who do. You may find yourself having built a beautiful life of loneliness without those you care about. How empty it must be to work so hard and sacrifice so much only to have accidentally sacrificed the thing you were working so hard to provide for? In the pursuit of a goal, you may lose contact with friends and family, over time they may simply conclude that you do not care about them, unless you make the time to be there. Be careful about what you give up when chasing a dream even if the dream is for a good reason.
There are times when I do consider pursuing higher things, pushing myself further, adding yet another hobby or taking on yet another responsibility. But then I consider what I would give up. The time I would miss out on spending with my friends, my family and yes, my cats. When such thoughts tempt me, I make a nice cup of tea, lay on my bed to have my cats nestle next to me and settle in for an afternoon of reading and snuggles. I have yet to regret a day spent with cats or those I love dearly.
In late summer of 2020, the world was still reeling from COVID. Depending on where you were in the world, you were still subjected to lockdowns and restrictions of movement or gatherings. In my own state, there were restrictions on gatherings well into 2022. I have written earlier how those of us with intrepid spirits were not daunted by restrictions on traveling further afield when it came to living life. As it turns out, myself and my co-workers did not need to look any further than the local corn fields for fun.
After the lockdowns, my co-workers and I made a concerted effort to plan things to do together as a team after work hours once a month. It not only was helpful for team building and morale but also our mental health as it gave us the opportunity to go out and have fun. As social workers dedicated to helping the homeless this was a particularly stressful time and it was important to foster connection with others as part of resilient coping strategies. One of the activities we chose was a corn maze. In part because some of us had never done them before and we also had a corn maze aficionado in our office. After some debate on which one would be the best to introduce us to, we settled on Oregon Dairy’s. We decided on a smaller, more beginner friendly one rather than the one at Cherry Crest Adventure Farm.
Now as with everything in 2020, what could go wrong, did. In a completely on brand 2020 accident, the GPS system which helped the farmers cut the design for the maze failed dramatically and cut the maze in a completely wobbly way. Unfortunately, while yes, it will grow back there was no way for the corn to grow back in time to for a re-do. However, I don’t think this deterred anyone from enjoying the maze because like myself were so amused by it and thought it made the experience even better.
Now, I will be the first one to admit that going through a corn maze was not my idea of a good time. Being allergic to dust, pollen and bees spending time out in a dusty corn field with the pollen floating through the air and bees potentially buzzing in from nearby fields had placed this activity firmly on the “things I’d rather not” list. However, seeing Melissa’s enthusiasm for it peaked my interest. We were also going later in the season when the corn was no longer an attractor of pollinators meaning that bees and pollen were at a minimum. Given the amount of foot traffic it would see, the dust would be pounded firmly into the ground rather than in the air.
In Lancaster county, there are plenty of corn fields to see, so the point of going to a corn maze isn’t to look at a field of corn, but rather the experience of getting lost together. What’s quite comical is that when you have the map in your hand standing outside the entrance, it looks quite easy, a casual stroll even. Oh, how wrong you would be. The maze quickly becomes disorienting, especially a maze that is as zig-zaggy as that one. Having no real straight lines it was almost impossible to tell if you had turned a corner or merely curved with the path. The corn was too tall to get a good bearing on anything. And of course being corn, it all looked exactly the same, even if you could peek through to the other side.
You think you know where you are and then you turn a corner only to be faced with unexpected options, this isn’t where you’re supposed to be. The simple, easy maze has transformed into a dizzying labyrinth of twists and turns. If you’re not careful, you may lose sight of your companions turning this group adventure into an unexpected solo adventure. You may call out to them but they’re gone. Or perhaps you hear each other but cannot figure out how to get back on the same path. So tread carefully and do not wander too far from your friends.
No one was really sure how long we walked or how far. We did manage to find markers which were various points that we were supposed to find and mark off in order to “complete” the maze. They helped to orient us to where we were and help keep us on track. As with any group of activity, it was all about communication and collaboration.
Some of us took a more backseat approach, content to let the others lead rather than become overly focused on the goal. I purposefully avoided trying to take charge as there were already several chiefs taking the lead and I had played enough videogames to know that I am terrible at reading maps and knowing where I am. Though, I have gotten better at it since 2020. I enjoyed the time wandering aimlessly trying to figure out where we were and where we were going. In the age of GPS, google maps it is so rare to be truly lost and having to use what few tools you have available to answer those basic questions. It felt like a small adventure, even though there were plenty of people to help you get out of the maze if you were truly lost.
We found about half the markers before we decided that it was beginning to get late and it was time to go home. Many of them had young children and those without children, had pets who were waiting at home for their dinner and evening snuggles. I would love to try to finish a corn maze in the future as I truly did find it enjoyable. So not only did I get to try something new, but also I got to re-evaluate an activity I previously thought would not be for me.
I encourage you dear reader to reconsider your own “I’d really rather not” lists. Often the barriers to new and potentially exciting things are only in your mind. With careful planning as to when we went, most of my concerns for why the journey would be anything but enjoyable for me were laid to rest.
How can you experience getting lost in a corn maze?
Mazes have been part of human cultures for thousands of years. They crop up in stories like the labyrinth and the minotaur and there is a reference to one in ancient Egypt by the writer Herodotus. In more recent history, hedge mazes were a popular form of entertainment found in gardens of the elite such as the ones at the Palace of Versailles or Hampton Court Palace. Today, corn mazes are the hedge mazes of the people.
The first corn mazes started cropping up (pun intended) in my home state of Pennsylvania. The very first one was in the neighboring county of Lebanon in 1993 by Earl Beal. It was inspired by his father’s work on mazes at a local amusement park and the idea quickly spread across America to other farming communities. Now they are found all over the country where farmers make their living.
I do recommend not going for the “biggest” corn mazes if you’ve never done one before or don’t have the best sense of direction. As I said, the maps are deceptively simple, because once inside you will get turned around pretty easily. Try some of the smaller ones, you will have just as much fun and feel a sense of accomplishment when you’re able to complete most if not all of the maze. This helps to ensure you have a good time as it gives you an attainable goal for a novice. It’s important with our bucket list to keep ourselves in a place where we are being stretched without being overwhelmed.
Oh dear, failure! Is there anything else American culture is more allergic to? Failure is such a part of life and yet we do almost everything we can to avoid it. I am certainly not immune to the fear of it. Do not get me wrong, dear reader, I fancy myself better than most at facing it, but there are still many times that I do not try for fear of it. While it may be tempting to present myself as a paragon on this blog, I am, alas, human rather than a demi-goddess. Shocking, I know, but it’s the truth! So, I will not lie to you and say that I have conquered this particular truth despite my best efforts.
Why do we fear failure so much? Not even failure, but even small mistakes? We live in fear of the judgments, the reprimands and the consequences of our mistakes. We worry about it negatively reflecting on us and what others might think or say. We worry that we might suffer terrible consequences if these failures should come to light. Worse, we may work to hide them and cover them up rather than owning them and taking responsibility. We may try to pass them off as someone’s mistake. We may try to downplay or minimize. There are many unhealthy ways to handle failure, because we fear the consequences so much rather than embracing failure as part of the process to become better versions of ourselves.
I cannot promise that you will not get reprimanded, embarrassed or made to feel less than for mistakes. One of the reasons we fear making them is precisely because that is what so often happens. I will not sugar coat this reality, messing up sucks and sometimes the consequences really suck. What I can promise you is that if you don’t let yourself mess up even in the face of potential negative consequences, you will never move forward and you will continue to be stuck. Messing up is how we learn. It is part of the process of getting better. The entire world of science is based on a series of failures leading to success. Negative data is still data! Edison tried hundreds of ways to make the lightbulb work. Even good ideas may fail initially, it took almost 10 years for sliced bread to catch on and now we say the phrase “the best idea since sliced bread”!
If we spend our time in fear of failure, we will never try and if we never try, we will never succeed. It is easy to watch people performing at their highest level on television without considering all the many times they must have failed to achieve that skill. We don’t see the number of times a gymnast has fallen or how many times a violinist struggled on a particular musical phrase. We don’t taste the botched dishes from the five star chef or the barely recognizable drawings of an artist. So when we try our hand at something, how quickly do we throw in the towel when it is less than perfect? How many things have we lost to ourselves pursuing perfection rather than joy?
The trick is not to dwell on the mistakes. Hence, the second part of this truth, moving on and learning. One should not forget and move on, or we will of course be doomed to keep repeating the mistake which is no fun. One should remember, learn and move on. Now most people would stop here and let the post stand, but I find that they are missing one of the most important steps of the whole process. How to effectively analyze so that one can learn without rumination.
I like to start with a strengths based approach. Studies indicate that when we focus on and cultivate our strengths rather than merely working to overcome weakness, that we make much faster progress. Therefore, I encourage you dear reader to first consider what went well or what was going well. If we get 48 of 50 questions right, should you really dwell overly much on the 2 questions you got wrong? One might end up spending so much time studying on the small section one struggled with in the unit leading up to the final exam, one ends up bombing the final because one didn’t review the other material! Ask, what did you do that helped you achieve as much as you did then, keep doing that!
Then ask yourself what did not go well and begin to brainstorm solutions. Perhaps, it was lack of sleep. Perhaps it was an ineffective method for tracking your tasks. Perhaps, it was looking at the wrong line in the spreadsheet. I often like to try and “mechanize” my approach to fixing mistakes. As a dyslexic, I know I will always struggle with reading spreadsheets unless I use the very simple fix of highlighting every other line in a given color. So, my spreadsheets utilize that method to help me track things effectively. As someone with ADHD, I have routines and develop “self-checks” to keep me on track. I set boundaries with interruptions, even small ones, when I am in the middle of a task because I know how easily I can “lose” a task near its completion. It will be 90% done, someone will ask me to do something else and it will stay 90% done for weeks if I am not careful to say “let me write that down on this to do list and I will get to it in just a few minutes.” this step allows you to plan for and prevent future mistakes.
This is also a time to practice self-compassion to observe without judgment, accepting that you are in fact, human. It is not a time for self-pity or excuse making because taking responsibility for the mistake is part of this process. However, forgiveness of the mistake is important to be able to move forward. I always find it much easier to practice this step after steps 1 and 2. When I can see what I did well and have a feasible plan to move forward the stress and worry that comes from the mistake almost seems to melt away. This is the step that helps us move on.
Sometimes, you do need to add the extra apology step depending on the mistake that you made. An apology should include an admission of harm caused by your actions, whether intentional or not without blame on the other person. If they contributed to the issue it is on them to take ownership of their part when it’s their time to apologize to you. If you’re apologizing to them this is their time to get an apology, not yours, yours will come. It should be followed up with your plan to make amends and you should seek their input for this plan to move forward. Remember it’s not just about the “thing” that went wrong, it’s also about repairing the relationship, helping the other person feel heard, understood and cared for. What makes you feel better about a situation, may not make them feel better about the situation. Once the plan is agreed upon, you need to follow through with that plan for repairing the relationship.
You will mess up, but messing up is a gift. A gift to learn and grow to be the best versions of ourselves and live our best life.
There’s something mysterious about the late fall, when darkness creeps over the earth stealing away precious daylight hours and the earth loses its color. Once familiar trees transform into shadowy forms at twilight, their fingers reaching out to the unwary traveler. The comforting sounds of animals scurrying about take on a more sinister tone and even the wind begins to moan hauntingly. Is it any wonder that such a time of year made many believe that the veil between worlds was thin and gave rise to the spooky season we know and love so well?
It’s a time of year when many travelers flock to the former places of death in hopes of encountering a being from beyond. Certain places are known to be more haunted than others and few other places top Gettysburg, Pennsylvania on the list of most haunted places frequently earning the 3rd or 4th spot. The majority of these restless dead are thought to come from the decisive battle of Gettysburg, one of the deadliest battles in our nation’s history and is considered by many to be the definitive turning point in the civil war. Over 51,000 soldiers perished and many more were injured.
Being both curious to learn more about the history of Gettysburg and to get ourselves in the spirit of the season, my sister and I embarked on an evening stroll to suspend belief for an hour or two and perhaps, catch a glimpse of a specter. Given the town’s reputation for its hauntings and that it goes all out with Halloween decorations, it is decidedly recommended to arrive early for a walking tour because parking was rather difficult to find as hundreds of spooky enthusiastics milled about also hoping for a ghost sighting. With a little trouble, we made it to the appointed meeting spot which was difficult to spot as it was an unassuming door for the Museum of Haunted Objects.
Our guide was a jovial man dressed in the manner of an 1860’s gentleman, complete with top hat, lantern and walking cane. He explained that the reason for the number of hauntings was due primarily to the unburied and still restless ghosts of the Confederate Army. He explained that in the aftermath of the battle, the town and surrounding countryside were overwhelmed with the corpses of the dead. The stench lingered for months as they struggled to lay to rest the dead. It seems almost a natural reaction in the face of so many that the dead of one’s enemies were more hastily buried with little honor or respect. Many of the townsfolk wanted to move on from the aftermath of the battle, to forget the horrors from the streams of blood and piles of amputated limbs littering the outside of the former field hospitals. Unfortunately, the dead not properly put to rest lingered on a constant reminder of the horrors of those three days.
We actually began our tour at a curious place, the local high school where in the course of an expansion several confederate soldiers were uncovered. It was strange to think that hauntings were so common in this area that one may go to school directly next to ghosts especially when reflecting on all the late night music practices I attended. Having set the tone as being a town so haunted ghost sightings are your local high school are hardly something to comment on as out of the ordinary, we set off to learn more directly about the different places and their stories. It also gave credence to the theory that the hauntings were a result of restless Confederate soldiers in need of peace. Because after the discovery of the Confederate soldiers, they were buried properly and the reported hauntings ceased.
But not all hauntings can be explained by disrespect for the dead. Ms. Jennie Wade was the only civilian to die during the intense fighting – a rather shocking fact when one considers the numbers lost to the fighting. Jennie had come to support her sister Georgia who had just given birth along with her mother and her brother. She was mixing dough for biscuits when a stray bullet passed through two doors before hitting her in the back. Though certainly given a proper burial by her family, it does seem she remained to haunt the home due to unfinished business – she never got married. Unlike many ghost stories, ending in misfortune, it seems that Ms. Jennie is a generous spirit rather than a malicious one as she is said to help single ladies who visit her home. Just place your finger on the interior door bullet hole and you shall receive a marriage proposal within the year. One does hope that she is able to find rest after granting happiness to so many others.
Graves behind the orphanage
We heard other stories of haunting in the area including the orphanage where the guide told us a rather chilling story of children inviting others to join in a game of ring-around-the-rosie much to the dismay of the adults. Interestingly enough the orphanage itself was not directly connected to the battle but rather its aftermath. With so many lost in the war, many children found themselves without a caregiver which led to the founding of a new orphanage in Gettysburg under Ms. Philinda Humiston. Initially, the orphans were well cared for until a new Headmistress took the reins of power, Ms. Rosa Carmichael. Ms. Rosa is reported to have locked a four year old boy in an outhouse in the bitter cold of December, keeping others in chains, sometimes in vats of water where they risked drowning and beaten them. There were several children who were missing and never found. Visitors to the orphanage are said to hear the clanking of chains and the cries and laughter of children. Some report to have seen the visage of the evil head mistress. It seems a bit macabre to me that people will pay for a chance to interact with the lost children of the orphanage and such a cruel creature. It is not the stories of ghost which haunt, but of the cruelty of people.
However, it was not the stories of ghosts that haunted me (pun intended), but rather the description of the carnage of the field hospitals and the battles. It was not just death which turned this quiet town into a horror show, but also the number of amputations. The guide described how there were so many body parts that they began to simply toss them outside the window of the hospital, piling up limbs, that doctors and nurses waded through blood trying to help the wounded and dying. At one place a group of captive soldiers being held in a basement had blood raining down on them through the floorboards. Whether one believes in ghost stories or not the reality of the battle could not be downplayed. I think in our modern era it’s easy to forget the real horrors of war being so far removed from it as we often are.
What I found most interesting about the tour was seeing the battle from the perspective of the townsfolk and how it affected them many generations after. It is what still defines the town to this day. When many people were frolicking about in their costumes, giggling at the sightings of ghosts and enjoying a festival atmosphere, one must wonder how we arrived at this point. Almost a hundred and fifty years ago nearly 50,000 people perished in a war to decide the fate of America. The town was washed in the blood of patriots fighting for freedom. Doctors and nurses frantically rushed to save lives, hacking off limb after limb in a desperate attempt to mitigate the damage. After the armies left, it was the townsfolk who were left to pick up the pieces and bury the dead. Perhaps, there is something to be said that an experience so horrific can be transformed into an evening of lighthearted fun, traversing the streets by candlelight as the guide does his best to both educate and scare you. Perhaps, it is an indictment of a culture so indifferent to real human suffering that it seeks to capitalize on it. Perhaps, it is a coping mechanism of a place so scared by the horrors witnessed both in those three days and in the years after, that we can hardly blame them for embracing the kitsch nature of the spooky season to transform it into a more palatable form.
Regardless, it was an intriguing evening of history and even anthropological musings on the response to collective trauma. Though those musings were from my own internal observations than anything the guide said. I found the guide to be quite informative and an avid storyteller who was quite capable of raising goosebumps as he relayed the tales of the ghosts who stalked the streets at night.
Our guide looks almost ghostly in this picture!
How can you go on a haunted tour?
There are many towns and cities throughout America that have reported hauntings from Gettysburg, PA to Savannah, Ga, from Salem, MA to Portland, OR, from Chicago, IL to Sante Fe, NM and everywhere in between. My own hometown gives a ghost tour each fall! You can usually find them being advertised from Mid-September through early November. There are places that will offer ghost tours throughout the year.
Whether you believe in ghosts or not, I certainly recommend them for the history as they often give a different perspective than other walking tours. Often, they showcase the lives of ordinary people like Jennie Wade who only wished to help her sister and had dreams of getting married or they help us remember the victims, like the orphans who suffered at the hands of Ms. Rosa. They can be nights of fun and even frivolity, but at their core, they are stories to remember the darker parts of our collective past, even if they’re presented in more palatable forms. Nevertheless, they are stories worth remembering.
For those of us “type A” personalities, the planners, the cautious and the dare-I-admit somewhat controlling personality types, we like to be prepared. I am the sort of person who you want on a vacation because if something happens I will usually be whipping out the solution to the problem from my bag. Wine spill? Tide pen. Hangnail? Why of course, I brought nail clippers. Bug bite? I have just the thing that pulls out the venom or “juice” that causes the sting/itch. Don’t worry about your hair, I put extra pins in mine just for this occasion! I am the person not with a Plan B but Plans B through Z. Or at least I was.
Through all my careful planning and preparing there is always some unplanned event. I was the coordinator of a homeless shelter tasked in part with developing our policies and procedures. I had developed a plan for everything. Earthquakes, fires, floods, drug overdose. Or so I thought. I had nothing in the book for a pandemic. The ONE thing that I had not planned for happened. So I had to develop my plan on the fly, in face of ever changing regulations, restrictions and recommendations throughout COVID. None of us had planned for COVID, yet we somehow got through it. Perhaps, not unscathed, but hopefully more resilient than before in the face of uncertainty to handle whatever it is life decides to throw at us. I certainly grew from the experience.
You can still see where his eye was infected.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are things life gives us that are wonderful surprises that we cannot prepare for. I certainly was not prepared to adopt a stray, near death’s door, kitten and nurse him back to health. Luke was and continues to be one of the very best surprises that life gave me. One might think one is prepared for a pet, but I assure you no matter how many you’ve had before the next one is always its own set of special surprises. I imagine it is much like with children, each sibling is a unique challenge unto themselves.
It is a good thing that life carries with it surprises that you cannot readily respond to without a little growth or creative thinking. It is in these moments of challenge that we are stretched into stronger and (hopefully) better versions of ourselves. Consider what might happen if we could simply prepare for everything life is going to throw at us. How might that affect our development? Would we learn humility? Would we be resilient? Would we think creatively? Would we feel empathy for others when they are struggling to overcome their own challenges? Would we be able to help them? From my own observations, individuals who have not been adequately challenged and overly protected from the surprises of life seem to struggle in these areas. They are disconnected from reality without experiencing the full wealth of life. We have the biggest opportunities for growth in the things we couldn’t prepare for.
These challenges can be gifts! Contrasting experiences help highlight one another much like how two characters act as foils to one another in order for a reader to fully understand both. I ask you to consider, dear reader, how much sweeter is the view from a mountain top that you struggled to see versus one that you did not? It might seem nice to simply drive your car up and look at the view, but I can almost promise you the person who hiked the whole thing is probably enjoying it more. Without the challenge you may be missing more than half the experience and certainly none of the triumph.
These are gifts not only for your own personal growth, but also for the opportunities they present. In those times, you may discover your best friend or gain a new skill that lands you your dream job. You may get to live out a bucket list experience or finally get that break you’ve been needing. If we are constantly grasping at control we miss the opportunities around us, focusing on the negative instead of what might be. We close ourselves off to the possibilities continuing to ram our heads against a wall that will not break completely missing the door that has been opened instead.
In fact we may hurt ourselves most when we refuse to let go of control. How many times have we been told to relax when getting a shot because it hurts more when we’re tensed up? Life is often the same way. When we are tense and controlling, life hits a lot harder than when we are relaxed and go with the flow of things. In that flow state, we are willing and open to trying new things, to look for windows rather than doors, to see beauty where others only see ash, to believe in what might yet be without being too attached to any one thing.
This “harsh” truth is once again a blessing in disguise. It encourages us to let go of all the things we cannot control and to focus on what we can control, ourselves. Preparing for everything is exactly trying to control everything. So often we plan to free ourselves of worry, but we fail to see the burden we take up instead. Do you think about the sheer amount of mental weight you place on controlling everything? If you control everything, then everything that goes wrong is your fault! That is certainly a weighty responsibility to carry about. What about all the extra effort you place to prepare for things that never happen? How much time is stolen from you? Consider my own tendency to overprepare. Do you have any idea how heavy all my extra stuff becomes when I go out places? My bag is bigger than everyone else’s and heavier. Almost no one offers to carry it (precisely because it’s heavy) but they certainly don’t mind asking me for help. They all get to walk around free from care because I’m carrying the burden of their worries. Granted, my sister is also a planner and so we take turns carrying the bag, but other than her, it is a rare person indeed who offers.
I have also gotten better about over packing and overplanning saying instead that I have some extra cash and we’ll be near a store if something happens for most of our day trips opting instead to merely go with the flow. The freedom of this cannot be understated. Instead of focusing on all that can go wrong, I look forward to the event. Instead of endlessly checking the weather leading up to it, I just wait until the morning of to make any decisions. I plan for what I’d like to happen without closing myself off to new possibilities – more than often better possibilities.
This principle can be applied to the small things like a day out to the larger challenges like a pandemic. Let go of the burden of control and take up the freedom of the flow. Embrace the challenges as the opportunities they are! Yes, they often suck in the moment, but looking back you will be amazed at yourself for getting through!
Sometimes in the process of completing one bucket list item, you stumble upon another. I call these “bonus bucket list items”. They were not pre-planned or even hoped for, they are simply opportunities that present themselves and it is up to you to seize the moment. After all, have I not said we should make the most of our travels? These I call “bonus” items and they follow my principle of making the most out of the longer, further afield trips. There are times when travel becomes a necessity [see post], so it becomes important to consider what other items you can include. It isn’t about avoiding travel altogether, rather limiting travel. On my trip to see the eclipse in Vermont [see post], I stayed with a family friend who happened to have horses.
I offered to assist her with their care having never had many close interactions with the noble creatures, despite growing up in a farming community. Truthfully, I have probably had more direct interactions with cows than horses, but I was an eager student. Shelia showed me the proper way to brush them and introduced me to each horse, telling me their stories. Each had come from an owner who had not understood their unique needs or read the signs of discomfort and pain resulting in them acting out.
The horses were a special breed, Icelandic, known for their smooth gait. Much like with dogs, it is important to understand what a breed is bred for. One would not expect a husky to do well at shepherding sheep nor would you want a border collie to pull a dog sled. Each breed was carefully curated for a specialized task, one the dog is a natural athlete at. There is an old saying that a fish will think itself stupid if its judged by its ability to climb a tree. Stoltur came from an owner who had tried to use him as an Olympic Dressage horse, something an Icelandic would not be good for as he was punished for his natural gait and motion. This meant that it was important for me to demonstrate first that I could be trusted with such a special set of horses before any overtures of riding could be made. Luckily, Sheila had already worked to restore trust between horses and man, so making friends with them was rather easy.
The three horses were gentle as lambs with me as I groomed them. Stoltur even began to engage in mutual grooming, nibbling ever so gently on my arm. In the crisp air of the early spring, the horses and I spoke to one another each learning the other’s cues. I would brush them and see how they reacted ensuring I first went to the head of the heard, Mjolner and worked my way down to Stoltur. The Icelandics are known for their gentleness and good tempers, and they were admirable hosts. I made fast friends with hay and treats hidden away in my jacket. I remembered the advice to hold out the treats on the palm of my hand, keeping my fingers straight to avoid any mishaps with teeth.
After spending some time getting properly introduced to one another. Sheila offered to let me ride one. I could barely contain my excitement as I enthusiastically said yes. She saddled them up and asked her son, Astri, to accompany us as lead. She assigned Stoltur to me as he was the best kind of horse for a beginner, forgiving of mistakes and of an easy temper. She choose to ride Gimli. She told me my only job was to keep my seat. I was given a vague idea of how to get up into the saddle, put my foot in the stirrup, grab the mane to help me up and hoist myself over. I did quite well. Sheila observed dryly that I was no couch potato.
Riding a horse was rather a natural thing for me. The key of course was to keep my posture without being stiff. Having had six years of marching band in highschool, I was well acquainted with the idea of good posture without stiffness. It was a matter of feeling the rhythm of the horse and moving my hips with his movements. I found myself relaxing into the motion and adjusting as I needed to. She only needed to correct me once saying that I was slightly off balance to one side.
It was magical riding a horse along a mountain trail. The soft sound of hooves against hard dirt. The way the world melted away. It was rather meditative. For once, I felt very much grounded in my own body as I am prone to being a bit air-headed. I had never been called a natural athlete before having always been clumsy, slow and generally the opposite of everything athletic, but when it came to horses, Sheila told me I was one. I suppose it makes me a bit like an Icelandic horse trying to do Dressage or a husky trying to herd sheep, without being given the right sort of task and the right sort of environment, I did spend my whole life thinking I was useless at anything athletic.
I had not embarked to see an eclipse thinking I would be able to check off horseback riding from my list. Instead it was an opportunity that presented itself and I made every use of that chance. While I could book a horseback trail ride near my house, the experience of being able to connect with the horses first, to hear their stories and bond with them isn’t something that could be bought..
Gimili with his bling
One never knows what opportunities are lurking around the corner or what things could present themselves when venturing outside one’s door. It isn’t about forcing anything to happen, but rather cultivating genuine relationships. Sheila probably would not have allowed me the opportunity to ride her horses had I not demonstrated that I was someone who could be trusted with them. I demonstrated that I could listen to their cues and respond well to them. When Stoltur nibbled my arm, I could have easily freaked out or misunderstood. Instead, I backed off from grooming and observed him for any signs of irritation before proceeding any further. I checked in with her to ensure I was reading him correctly. She confirmed it was a good sign that I was doing well with him. It was a matter of giving him the respect he deserved and following her directive. One cannot approach a horse like a dog or a cat anymore than one can approach a cat like a dog. Each creature has its own way of communicating and engaging. It is up to us to follow the terms set by them. By fostering a good connection with her horses and her, it opened up the door for a magical experience. By cultivating authentic connection, all sorts of opportunities and horizons will become open to you.
How can you experience horseback riding?
Now, it would be rare for you to meet a horse owner who can present you with the opportunity to ride a horse, like I did. However, there are many stables throughout the country which offer horseback rides or trail rides. A quick google search is all you need to get started and many of these are under $100. For a more intimate experience with a horse, you may want to sign up for a series of lessons.
Completed: April 7, 2024
Miles from home: Bonus bucket list!
Cost: Free ($60 – $100 without a friendship discount)
What an extraordinary thought! How many times have we thought to ourselves that something simply couldn’t be done only to learn later that it was actually super easy, barely an inconvenience, had we simply approached it with a different mindset? We so often falsely limit ourselves with thoughts of how things ought to be done or should be done or even can be done. We allow fear of failure or being told “no” to dissuade us from trying or asking. We choose safety and comfort over risk.
It is not wrong to feel these things! There are reasons we have been told that things ought to be done a certain way. There is merit in collective wisdom. There is also merit in challenging the collective wisdom as our culture evolves and changes. Ways of doing things that once worked may no longer work in today’s world.
We are right to fear rejection. No one likes feeling rejected, especially when you have already faced so much in life, as you may have dear reader. When you make a request or reach out, it is with an earnest desire and hope for assistance or a chance. If that request is denied, we have to experience hope dashed upon the rocks. After feeling that so many times, it is difficult to muster up the courage to go once more upon the breach.
Taking risks is, well, risky. If we have a family to support or are struggling to get by it can be quite difficult to take those first steps. Not only that, but also you must have the necessary physical, mental and emotional energy to pour into the venture. We may hear of these many rags to riches stories, and may be inspired to go out and try. However, the long term success of a business is rather bleak. In the first five years, 45% will fail. By the 10th year, 65% fail and by the 15th year, 75% of businesses close. Is it any wonder so many choose to stay in the confines of other people’s businesses, suffering in less than optimal work conditions? Easy to say no risk, no reward, but if the risk is your housing, safety and security? Our world seems almost made to keep us ground down and distracted rather than having the freedom to thrive as individuals.
That is why this truth can seem harsh. Because it is asking us to fight against so much of what we’ve been taught and to make some difficult choices. I just gave you, dear reader, some very good reasons to keep your limitations and your feet on the ground. One can almost hear the Disney montage queuing up in the background about following your dreams, seeking adventure and believing in magic. Inspiring to be sure, but your pragmatic self is certain to reassert itself with all its very sensible objections and limitations. So what is one to do?
It is important to recognize what limits you have imposed to assess them. That is what makes this truth so freeing. Rather than being mindless slaves to the restrictions, we get to decide if those restrictions are in fact truthful and challenge them a bit. Perhaps, even become a bit playful with the challenge.
Consider my approach to the possibility of being told no in response to a request. It is actually quite simple, I do not go in with actual hope of a “yes”. I go into expecting a no. Why then do I bother asking? Because, dear reader, it is always a no, until you ask! Therein lies the secret! Asking only allows the possibility of a no becoming a yes and what a delightful surprise the yes becomes! What is more, I get a positive answer much more than one might think! Or perhaps it is a psychological trick of merely focusing on the positive results and forming a bias in that direction, but it’s a helpful one so I’m not overly concerned about it. The limit was the fear of the no and the rejection, but then I realized that I was already living in the no. I was rejecting myself on behalf of others and not even offering them the chance to alter the self-imposed limitation. What a freeing realization that was.
You may feel you do not have the skills to land a job when looking through the qualifications. Did you know that many people land jobs even if they don’t hit every tick-mark on the list? Did you know that sometimes you can land a job with just a cold call? I recently decided to make a career move, called up an old boss about whether they had a potential position open at her current company. They ended up creating a position for me and hired me on. I could have easily looked at her current company and saw they were not hiring for what I was looking for and left it at that. My attitude towards “no” is what helped me reach out and ask.
What other limitations might be holding you back from living your best life? It doesn’t have to be a career. It could be hobbies you want to take up. Do you want to sing? It takes time and practice but 15 minutes a day can make a huge difference. Everyone has to start somewhere. It’s not like you’re auditioning for America’s Got Talent! There’s even some cool apps that help you find the right pitch and intonation for your voice range. Are there places you want to go or things you’d like to experience? You can read lots of posts from me here where I don’t travel far to do the things I want to do. When one stops to consider it, this whole blog is about challenging the limitation that in order to fully live you have to spend tons of money and travel the world!
Do I still live with some self-limiting beliefs? Of course! We all do. There are ones that for the moment I am willing to sit in. I recognize that they are limiting and I’m not ready to take on the risk or challenge that removing them would require. That doesn’t mean that I will always keep them. Life is about risks, but we also need to seriously assess them and whether we’re ready to take those next steps. The point isn’t to remove them all but to assess them and then actively choose them if they are right for us at the time. We also may have to make some difficult choices and pay a price that we’re not okay with paying in order to move forward.
It’s like the difference between free climbing a cliff and climbing with ropes. It is much safer to climb with ropes and you should absolutely not attempt a free climb until you have some experience. However, the idea that you could never do a free climb is a limiting belief and I am certain there is a much greater sense of thrill and accomplishment for those who do free climb. The point is rather than allowing ourselves to remain forever tethered, we get to work towards being ready, to choose to let go and climb freely. Once we do that, we really can conquer mountains.
It is no secret that I am a whimsical sort of person. I see magic in butterflies and can easily imagine that among them may be hiding a fairy. I can easily pretend that lurking in the woods is a dragon hoarding its treasure or an enchanted prince who needs only a maiden’s kiss to set him free. It is not that I am divorced from reality, far from it. I assure you, dear reader, I have both feet firmly planted on the ground. I am a pragmatic, practical person who understands well the constraints of life and the sorry lack of unicorns. However, I am also a person who chooses to live slightly off the beaten path to court the possibility of magic still with a childlike enthusiasm for the world.
So naturally, a trip to the Renaissance Faire is the salve that those with the same sort of spirit as myself so desperately need. Let me be perfectly clear, the Renaissance Faire is not a place of historical accuracy. It is much more akin to a Renaissance Fantasy Convention with a pretty sweet setting than a historical re-enactment. So if you’re looking for that sort of thing, I suggest googling medieval reenactments and steer very clear of any Ren Faire lest you be sorely disappointed. They are however a very whimsical place for us very whimsical souls.
The Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire is considered by many to be one of the best ones in the country. Each year between mid-August and the end of October, Mount Hope Estate opens the door to an alternative 16th century England and invites the public to an interactive fantasy play of sorts. Throughout the day if one follows the going ons of the royal family and its court, a story will unfold. It may be an internal plot to force marriage to Queen Elizabeth or an external threat by the Spanish to conquer England. Occasionally, the story focuses on King Henry rather than his daughter Elizabeth, just to keep things spicy. It always culminates in a joust to settle the score and determine the outcome. Spoiler – England and its crown always win, but the end isn’t the fun part.
What’s fun is all the stops in between like the Human Chess tournament – which is arguably much more fun than chess because the pieces actually have to fight each other for control of the spot. You also can follow the actors and see their improv skills put to use. It is not that they merely stand on a stage and you watch, they will stop and speak with you. They will have you join the story and even if you go off script their expertise keeps the play going. There are also dozens of actors wandering the grounds to keep the story alive. They may stop and stare at your phone curious at such a magical device in such a curious traveler’s hands. What on earth are you wearing sir? My goodness, young lady, do you realize your knees are showing? A good sport will join in the fun.
You are encouraged to dress up and different weeks will have different themes. Rather than fight against the crowds of nerds dressing up in various outfits which some people argue don’t belong at Ren Faire, they embraced it by giving the different fandoms their own weekend outlets. Sci. Fi. fans have time traveler’s weekend which welcomes Star Fleet, Whovians and more. Die hard fantasy nerds have Wizarding Weekend. Us whimsical folks have Fairies and Fantasies. There’s also pirates, vikings, heroes, Irish/Scottish and October is devoted to all things spooky.
There’s also over a hundred different vendors and merchants selling all sorts of wares, many of them unique to Ren Faires. Though I will admit with the advent of the internet it has gotten a little easier to access similar items than when I was growing up, which makes them seem a little less special than I remember them being.
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I know I sound impossibly old with my references of the world before the internet was a big thing. We also didn’t have electricity or running water. We made fire by rubbing two sticks together. We used to have to run down big game in order to survive until we discovered farming! I myself invented the wheel, it was a really big hit.
I digress. In addition to the wares, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the food. Of course there are the infamous turkey legs which I do recommend if you have not yet tried one. Throughout the faire your mouth will be almost constantly watering with the aroma of both savory and sweet treats to tempt you. On the scorching August days, you will want to try various cold beverages and being next to a winery, they have some of the very best vintages. Though I will remind you, gentle reader, that wine is not known for its hydrating properties and you should be certain to drink plenty of water when wandering about the faire. Besides, too much will be bad for your wallet when you impulse buy that hand forged sword and moving dragon puppet. Although, you will have a sword and a dragon, so I’m not sure what the downside to this situation is.
There are of course plenty of activities that abound throughout the faire. Face painting, palm reading, ax throwing, a maze, mock fencing, even rides powered by strong men and physics. If nothing else, admire the view ladies. Occasionally there’s a horse dressed up as a unicorn to pet. There’s even retired greyhounds who are there to raise money for their rescue and get petted. Who doesn’t enjoy petting a dog? If you’d like to get more dressed up, there’s face painting and even hair braiding.
And while I have spoken about the wares, the food, the beverages and activities, what I like most about the faire is the various shows and demonstrations scattered throughout. They have glassblowing, blacksmithing and even instrument demonstrations. It was at the Ren Faire that I learned all about the Hurdy Gurdy and was introduced to one of my favorite musical artists because of it. They often have falconry and other sports like jousting. These are the places where you will get a more authentic Renaissance experience as most of these are intended to be educational. As many of the demonstrations tend to be less attended than the larger shows, I often get to have one on one conversations with the experts of their craft. There’s nothing quite like being able to ask questions and get well throughout, nuanced answers that chat gpt just can’t replicate.
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There are other sorts of shows, usually either musical or comedic in nature, often a combination of both, as those always do well in larger crowds. One should be warned if bringing your children that many of the shows are for adult audiences so the jokes will reference adult topics. Usually those shows are marked with a small asterisk on your map and program. When I was a teenager and young adult, I found them amusing. As a middle aged woman, I’m not as into the bawdy humor as I was. Maybe I’m just an old stick in the mud, but that’s okay, if you like that kind of humor attend those shows, enjoy them, I’m not trying to shut them down. Why would I stop other people from having fun? You can find me petting the unicorn. I don’t care if the unicorn is meant for the five year olds, I want to pet the cute animal!
A day at the faire is a day for fantasy and fun. It can be whatever you make of it. If you’re a shopper, go shopping. If you want to only watch the shows, there are shows throughout the faire every hour and half hour. Some people religiously follow the story and so attend the human chess match, the jousts and follow the court around all day. Some people just come for the food and eat. You may want to spend all day getting a quality education about Renaissance and Medieval Europe and go to the demonstrations. Or you’re like me and go wherever the fancy strikes you.
Having grown up going to the Ren Faire for most of my childhood I’ve gotten to do just about everything I’ve ever wanted to do. I don’t go every year, but I do go every few years. It is always fun to see what they’ve changed or how they’ve expanded. It’s like coming back to an old and familiar friend. I could probably find my way around half blindfolded. I know most of the songs the performers belt out and am even friends with the owner of a very good kilt shop. Some of my best summer memories are of the Faire and is decidedly one of those bucket list items that are worth repeating! Especially since the faire may have lots of things to check off your list.
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How can you add some whimsy in your life and get to a faire?
Almost every state has a Renaissance Faire and some even have more than one. Depending on where you live they may take place at different times of the year. Many faires take place in the late summer/early fall in the North East but not every faire does. I believe most faires in the North and North East take place in the summer through fall because of weather, but I think in the southern parts I saw many of them being advertised for the spring months. Probably because their weather would make it impossible to wear things like a knight’s armor without dying.
I strongly encourage you to dress up a little bit and have some fun your first time. Make sure you’ve set aside plenty of money to buy some of the cool things you’re bound to find. Many Ren Faires run both Saturdays and Sundays with a discount for a weekend pass. You will most likely be overwhelmed with the possibilities that abound, so make Saturday a day for shows and following the storyline and Sunday can be the day you return for shopping.
If you make it to the PA Ren Faire, then you should definitely stop by their winery right next door and do a wine tasting. They have many unique blends and flavors. Not only do they offer wine, but also meads. My personal recommendations are the blackberry merlot and the Traveler’s Mead, a butterfly pea blossom mead. However, you do you, that’s what tasting is for after all.
Completed: Childhood & throughout adulthood
Miles from home: 11
Cost: $33 for person (local’s tip Turkey Hill often has discount coupons for certain weekends buy one get one free, to make it even cheaper)
Full disclosure: You will probably spend a lot of money at the faire if you’re not careful between the food and the merchandise so budget closer to $100 if you’ve never been before.
Budget Bliss: Bucket List 