Budget Bliss: Bucket List

What is Work Life Balance? Setting Boundaries

Published on January 28, 2025November 10, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

With the age of the internet and cell-phones work has managed to invade almost every aspect of our lives. People have stopped talking about work-life balance and talk about things like blending work and life together. Which is really short hand to say, having no boundaries with work and work being able to take precedence in your everyday life. It has even begun to take over things like people’s vacations.

In countries like France, they’ve adopted the right to disconnect meaning your work may not send you emails after work hours. Some companies have a system in place where if you’re on PTO any email is automatically responded to with “this person is on vacation and your email has been deleted, please reach out to this other team member”. I LOVE these. We should work to live, not live to work. Setting appropriate boundaries with work and holding to them is both difficult and extremely rewarding.

No wonder we dream of packing up and leaving our homes. Our homes are no longer sanctuaries from work. Instead it follows us to the door, hounding us with phone calls and emails. Sometimes seemingly frantic demands during your off hours. I’m going to hazard a guess that you dear reader are not in the medical profession and therefore are not tasked with the life and death of others. This means that since no one is going to die if you don’t answer that email at 9 pm, maybe it can wait until 8 am. What objectively are you going to accomplish at 9 pm that cannot be done at 8 am? It will probably take you twice as long to accomplish it late at night than in the morning, when you’re awake and refreshed, especially when adding in the inevitable and natural human response of grumbling to yourself and emotionally having to process this unwanted demand on your private time.

Rest is important to our functioning, our physical health, our mental well-being, our emotional wellness and spiritual wellness. Paradoxically, when we’re allowed to rest our work performance and output increases rather than decreases. Unfortunately, companies fail to understand that thinking they can just continue to push us to get more results.When we keep work at work and home at home, it allows us to thrive in both places. Once we start blending the two, it can be hard to perform well at either. You find yourself torn in two trying to constantly please two masters. You allow work to encroach on your life so you don’t meet the obligations of the home so then home may start to encroach on your work. It feeds anxieties, worries and distractions. You start to need more and more time to talk out your emotions and process which only robs you of more precious moments and gets you further behind. Just writing this makes me want to scream in frustration. How is anyone supposed to thrive let alone survive in such conditions?

If you are hourly, you’re probably not tracking this time and ensuring you’re getting reimbursed. If you are, you’re likely getting push back for it. If you’re salaried you have to consider that every hour you work extra is time you aren’t getting back and you aren’t getting paid for, thus lowering your hourly salary. Consider working for 50,000 a year. At 40 hours a week that’s about $24 an hour. If you consistently work closer to 50, you’re now lowering your rate to $19. Would you really do all that you’re doing for $19 an hour? Because you are. By working so many extra hours, your company is essentially robbing you. Even just 1 hour each evening still adds up to 5 extra hours a week or $21 an hour. You’re allowing them to undervalue you and it also means they will continue to not hire the help they clearly need by you enabling this behavior. If protecting your rest time isn’t motivating enough to start setting some boundaries, this monetary incentive should be.

So what does setting boundaries look like? Well first, what is a boundary?The American Psychological Association defines boundaries as the psychological demarcations that protect the integrity of an individual or group, or that help someone or a group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity. In the most basic terms, it’s about what’s okay and what’s not okay. A boundary isn’t about controlling the other person, that’s impossible. It’s about when person x does y, what will you do?

Your boss or work colleague will continue to email you even if you request he or she stop. It can be as simple as refusing to answer until the next business day. It could be setting your phone to “do not disturb” and communicating to your boss that after work, your phone goes to “do not disturb”. Some phones let you select which apps and phone numbers to block when which can be really helpful. It could be having a frank conversation about your contracted hours and how often you’re going over them. Letting your boss know that you’re no longer willing to go over your hours without additional compensation because you’re not contracted to (if you have a contract of course). It may be asking your boss to then prioritize the duties and re-allocate them to other team members if you do not have enough time in your day to complete everything they are demanding of you. Some bosses don’t even realize how much they’re asking you to do until you show them. They may even have tricks or strategies to help you structure your day better. Not every boss who has you working overtime is nefarious, sometimes they just don’t know how much you’re doing or how you’re struggling. Use your voice and speak up.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

It is important to remember that someone else’s poor boundaries does not give them the right to violate yours. It can be very tempting to give in when other people around you consistently allow their boundaries to be violated. You may fear not looking like a team player or missing out on a promotion. The thing is, in most companies, you are no longer rewarded for going above and beyond. It’s often easier to get a promotion or pay raise going to another company than sticking with your current job. That’s why quiet quitting or “acting your wage” was trending as a movement. The reality wasn’t that people were quitting working, rather they were setting healthy boundaries with their company and refusing to be taken unfairly advantage of.

It will probably look different depending on your company’s culture and your boss. It’s easy for me to say “turn your phone to “do not disturb”, refuse to answer work emails until the next day”, but if your boss berates you if you don’t respond immediately or continues to send escalating emails that will make it more difficult. Especially if you feel you need this job and it’s currently difficult to simply go get another one. So it may be responding with “I saw your email boss and I put your request on my calendar to get done first thing in the morning.” rather than simply ignoring it. You still responded, but you didn’t immediately get it completed on your off hours. It’s a small but important step. Once they start accepting that initial boundary, you may find it easier to follow up with “Hey I’m not going to keep sending you a response that I saw your email, just trust that I will see it and get it done like I’ve been doing”. It may be having a conversation with your boss letting them know that you want to be a team player, and you’d like to know which requests are expected to be answered right away and which requests can wait until the next day. Maybe your boss doesn’t even realize that you don’t know you can wait until the next day to respond. Only you know your boss and your company’s culture to know what approach is right for you. It may also involve going to therapy to get coaching on how to set boundaries if you’re someone who struggles with pleasing people or assertiveness.

We want to live rich and meaningful lives, but how can we if our jobs are always lurking around every corner of our lives, demanding our time, energy and sacrifice while giving us so little in return? It’s time to return to work being at work and home being at home, keeping those spheres separated to allow us to thrive in both. I always do my best work when I hold to strong boundaries and I think that my performance allows me to back up that claim when I’ve had to speak with my supervisor or colleagues about my boundaries. I do let them know I’m available for emergencies and I define what emergencies look like and what they aren’t.

Am I perfect with this? No, but I always found that the more I’ve held to my boundaries the better work I do at work and the less burned out I feel because I am able to get the necessary break every day not just when I escape to another state or country. The reality it this, soon you will be dead and then all the emails, powerpoints, deadlines and team meetings will be meaningless. No one gets to the end of their life and wishes they had spent more time at work. They wish they had spent more time with their children or their pets. They wish they had prioritized their personal relationships more than their work colleagues. They wish they had taken the time to learn a language, play and instrument or pursue their hobbies. Life is too short to work all the time, work to live, don’t live to work.

Encourage One Another & Build One Another Up

Published on January 24, 2025December 7, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

The title of this post comes from one of my favorite Bible verses and is in part the inspiration for this blog. This blog is intended to encourage you to live to invest in your mental health, stop chasing the false narratives of consumerism, over consumption and influencers and to live your best life. So what is a more appropriate Bucket List item than to encourage others? After all, when we build others up, we also build ourselves.

There’s an interesting story about a farmer who won the farm show every year for his amazing crops. What puzzled people was that he would take the seeds from his award winning produce and share them with his neighbors. When asked why, he said that by having superior crops nearby it helped enhance his own with cross pollination. In other words, helping others, helped him. Which is something that really resonates with me. As someone in the social services field, I want to help create a better world not only for the people I am helping but also because it will help create a better world for me.

In early 2021, with the ongoing pandemic, I watched mental health illness and a general sense of hopelessness grow in my community. It was as if in the midst of all the lockdowns, anxiety, stress a darkness was descending everywhere. Social media, which was already not the greatest place to spend your time, had become a toxic cesspool of hatred and vitriol as everyone struggled to cope. I don’t know all my neighbors, their struggles or what is going on in their lives, but I knew that at least some of them probably needed a pick me up. I knew I certainly could have benefited from it. So, I rolled up my proverbial sleeves and made a plan to bring some light in the middle of all these shadows.

I counted up the houses in my neighborhood and procured a small gift for each of them. In this case, it was a small make-up kit which I found at a greatly reduced price from Nordstrom. As my neighborhood is only about 10 or so houses, it was relatively inexpensive to include a small token along with the note. I then wrote a note to each of them offering encouragement and hope. Mostly something along the lines that we’re all going through a rough time and that I hope this small gift would bring them some joy.

I waited until the middle of the week when I knew most would be away as evidenced by the lack of cars in driveways and then launched my plan. Which really consistent of walking around for maybe 5 minutes leaving the gift at each doorstep. It was hardly mission impossible. There was nothing connecting it back to me, no name or indication as to whom it came from, that was never the point. The point was of course to be anonymous to simply offer a point of light in the darkness.

I do not know if anyone ever connected it back to me, no one has ever acknowledged the gesture, but what I do know is that it seemed to strengthen the ties in the neighborhood. I had noticed over the course of the pandemic that people had withdrawn back into their houses. They stopped chatting and waving. They didn’t go out of their way to be helpful to one another as we once did. For a year, we’d all be holding one another at arm’s length and it seemed difficult to breakdown the barrier. After that simple gift, I noticed they started reaching out to one another more and to strengthen the ties of the small community.

When we are kind to others, it spread kindness. However, often when we are kind it begins a reciprocal relationship that does not necessarily spread outward from the dyad. When we are kind to strangers or anonymously, that kindness is amplified to beyond ourselves. I loved seeing how the one small act prompted other small acts even if it just helped change the vibe of the neighborhood to a place where we do reach out rather than withdraw.

I’ve written in another post about community resilience like when the water main broke in my town and shut down main street or when a hurricane caused the annual art show to be canceled. A few people stood up and said, we will make a difference, we will encourage one another. Then the community rallied behind it. I’ve driven past signs on people’s mailboxes that say “You are awesome” and it brought a smile to my face. I’ve walked into the bathroom to see written on the mirror “You are loved” and my day brightened.

We never know what doing something for a stranger may do for them. However, there are many stories about how something as small as a smile can stop a suicide or help someone make a decision to turn their life around. Perhaps, all I did was make people smile, perhaps it saved a life. The point is to be the light that we wish to see in the world and the best thing about the activity was that it took almost no time at all. Kindness often does not. What it takes is noticing a potential need and responding to it, letting someone know that they are seen and that they matter. You don’t need to necessarily get it perfect. After all, my neighbors may not have needed the make-up the point was to let them know that someone cares about them.

Not every item on a BucketList is about enriching your own life. Afterall, here at Budget Bliss Bucket List, we want to pursue a life well lived and that means enriching other people’s lives as well. We become the best versions of ourselves when we practice generosity and gratitude. Chasing an influencer life for likes and attention, doesn’t leave us with meaning. Going on a vacation is fun, pampering yourself at the spa is important for self-care, but we miss something important when we don’t forget to give back.

I shall have to write a post about one’s wellness wheel, but the idea is that we have to make sure that we’re living a life in balance, filling each part of our wheel to be in balance. When one part of our wheel is “flat” the wheel doesn’t turn and we usually feel like we’re off, possibly stressed or even burned out. Making sure to take time to include items like this helps keep our wheel turning smoothly.

How can you be the light for others?

It’s easy! Count up your neighbor’s houses and write notes of encouragement. Then when the timing is right, drop them off. The alternative is to leave them around your community for strangers to find. You can even sneak around at night with chalk and write notes on the sidewalk for people to see. It takes almost no time at all and no money. Which is why this is a perfect budget friendly item to include on your list.

Completed: 2021

Cost: $10 per household but it can be practically free

Miles from home: 0

How I Prioritize Conflicting Values

Published on January 21, 2025November 10, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

I’ve written before that we often have to pick and choose our battles when it comes to living out our values as almost nothing we can do in this modern world exempts us from harming others, short of going completely off grid and homesteading out in the middle of the wilderness surviving on nothing but what you create yourself. However, even those intrepid homesteaders buy some of their things at least to get started, so they still participate even if they say otherwise because without a village full of specialized craftsmen how could they not? Even the fact that they can live peacefully on their land free from marauding warbands is because they are surrounded by a modern society with an active army and local law enforcement agencies.Plus the tax man always comes in one form or another and if they’re youtubing their experience guess what they’re participating in?

The truth is we have to accept that we cannot make perfectly ethical choices that always align with our values. We have to pick and choose our battles and make compromises. I value the environment, but I have gone on cruises with my mother. Which is arguably one of the worst choices when it comes to environmentalism. Unfortunately, I’ve found that cruising is one of the friendliest travel options for someone with chronic health conditions if you want to see multiple countries and a bit more of the world. She worked very hard as my mom and practically killed herself to provide for me a modicum of middle class lifestyle growing up and to support me as best she could through college, a job that while it required a college degree paid me less than 20,000 a year, and grad school. She gave up her dreams of travel to give me a good life, so I help make her bucket list happen. The best way to do that has been cruising once every three to four years.

The two values that conflict are the environment and family. In general, my family lives in a very environmentally friendly way. We reduce our energy consumption as much as possible, avoid purchasing new items preferring thrift shops, ebay and Facebook marketplace. We buy “ugly” produce and check the quick sale items to reduce food waste. As one can see in the rest of this blog, in general we avoid travel to far flung places. I try to garden with native plants or at least plants that are non-invasive and friendly to my local area. I’ve planted a number of trees which all contribute to the environment. Even our toilet paper and tissues are made from bamboo to try and reduce the waste. However, every three to four years we do go on a trip that is truthfully bad for the environment. Is it better than the person who takes a week trip to various foreign countries around the world once a year? It’s probably on par to be honest.

It could be easy to start trying to calculate carbon “credits” to “off-set” the indulgence, which isn’t really the point of our daily lifestyle choices. If you indulge occasionally in fast fashion you may try to justify it with all the second hand purchases you’ve made. It may be a logical fallacy to say “well I can be ‘bad’ in this one instance because I’m so good all the other times.” We see this when people decide to go off their diets, or buy something from a place they know has a terrible reputation for how they treat their employees. It can be easy to judge people (or ourselves) who do make these compromises negatively. However, we all do it and we all make judgments about what compromises we’re willing to make when our values conflict or our budgets come up against certain realities of life.

It may not even be about having different values but how we rank our values in a given situation. Would I much rather purchase all my clothing from etsy shops supporting American small businesses? Absolutely. Do I have the money to do so? Absolutely not. Clothing is expensive to make at $15 to $20 an hour for a living wage. It’s even more expensive if you want them to use material that is also American made; perhaps you want it to be of all natural fibers and dyes from an organic cotton farm here on US soil using only the best sustainable, environmentally friendly practices.

I’m someone blogging about living her best life on a salary that is less than the median income. I don’t have that sort of cash, despite my greatest wishes otherwise. Almost none of us do and sometimes despite your best efforts you can’t find what you need at the thrift store given that it’s based on donations. I’m lucky in that I wear pretty common sizes but even then I can’t always find what I need and I’m forced to go to a regular store to purchase something new and not sustainably made, free from exploitative labor practices.

The overarching value is reduction of waste, but it sometimes conflicts with what I may feel I need. Like when I needed to go to the gala as part of a fundraising event as part of my job and I didn’t have a dress for the occasion. I wasn’t spending over $100 on a dress for my non-profit job. I also wasn’t buying a used prom dress from my local thrift shop to do it because I don’t want to look like I’m 15 instead of over 30. I placed the value of helping raise money for a good cause over my usual value of reducing consumption of goods.

The point of this post is to simply have you begin to reflect on how you personally navigate your values and to recognize that sometimes it’s not about being a hypocrite but rather having two conflicting values where you make a decision about which one to value more given your own limited resources whether that be time, money or energy. It’s not about telling you what to do but to get you to pause and reflect on how you may be navigating these conflicts without putting much thought into it leading to negative judgements of yourself and perhaps even others. This is a time to practice some self-compassion as well as compassion for the choices that others are making. It’s easy to throw stones in glass houses, but one really shouldn’t. It’s a kinder gentler approach to living out values

You can be more mindful about the decisions you are making to more align your actions with the things you actually care about. This allows us to create more meaningful and impactful lives that bring us joy. This also causes reflection about what we might be doing that doesn’t align and to ask, is there a different way to achieve the same ends without as extreme of a compromise? I like quality clothing that will last years not months, so I may go to ebay and try to find used designer clothing for a steal. Goodbye fast fashion, hello sustainability that isn’t breaking the bank. If I decide to go on a cruise because I want to be able to travel places with my mother and help her obtain her dreams, is there a line that is a little better for the environment than the rest? Is there one that also treats their staff well? What about the excursions it offers? Even something as simple as purchasing biodegradable paper plates if I decide I want to have a picnic with my sister in the park.

I’m always asking, is there a way I can do this better to fit my values? I am also willing to revisit previous decisions. I may say that upon further reflection that it was a compromise I shouldn’t have made. I can’t change the past, but I can move forward with making a different decision moving forward. Perhaps, I am at a different place where I have more freedom to choose. When I was purchasing my car there wasn’t really a hybrid with four wheel drive in my price range. I had to determine which was more important to me: the safety of having four wheel drive in a job that required me to drive in bad weather or a hybrid that was better for the environment considering the amount of driving I was doing. At the time, I chose safety, because I like living and couldn’t afford to become disabled from a catastrophic accident. As I begin to consider purchasing another car, my driving needs have changed so I will more likely choose a hybrid. Additionally, there are now more options which combine hybrid technology with all wheel drive.

We won’t always be able to live out our lives in perfect harmony with our values. We will have to pick and choose. We should be asking ourselves which values are in competition with one another and weigh the impact of those choices against the conflicting values. Sometimes one value will win out over another value. The ranking can vary from decision to decision. We should be willing to recognize when there is conflict to allow for self-reflection and arrive at the best decision for ourselves while owning that we are making a choice that conflicts with the values we have.

Forging Axes & Sibling Bonds!

Published on January 17, 2025December 7, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

As an avid fantasy reader, blacksmithing has always carried a bit of an allure. So when I was invited to attend a birthday party with my sister at the Drunken Smithy, I naturally acquiesced and trekked with her on a cold’s winter day to get warmed up by the forge. To say I was excited is an under-exaggeration. What could be more exciting than combining some of my favorite things, sharp objects, fire and hitting things?

I was stoked to put my muscles to the test hammering out molten hot metal and shaping it to my will. I do work out and I always enjoy using my muscles for something other than merely moving weights up and down semi-pointlessly. It makes all those hours spent sweating worth it when I can use them competently to accomplish my goals independently.

Forging weapons is an ancient human art. In fact the very materials that we humans used for weapons give rise to the delineation of pre-historical epochs Stone Age (stone weapons and tools – though this is such a long period of time it’s now broken down into palaeolithic, mesolithic and neolithic), Copper Age (copper weapons), Bronze Age (bronze weapons), and Iron Age. There is evidence that we humans have been using metals for over 40,000 years with the discovery of gold in some Spanish caves dating back to the neolithic era. The oldest known culture which utilized smelting was located in Serbia in the 6th millennium BC. Many places say that it originated there, but I allow for the possibility that there is an even older, yet undiscovered culture which may go back even further either in the same area of the world or perhaps, another part.

It is this very long and ancient history that has always captured my imagination when reading about blacksmithing or other metallurgical crafts. In a way, it is the magic of our world. We take two lumps of unrefined metal and somehow through fire and our own sheer will manage to craft it into something truly useful. It was this craft that gave the rise to empires and civilizations. Advance knowledge or lack thereof could topple a once mighty kingdom or stop an invading horde. I was always fascinated by how different styles of weaponry and fighting arose in different parts of the world and how their strengths and weaknesses interacted with the styles of other cultures to rise to power or fall into ruin.

There is reading about something and then there is doing something. I am someone who relishes doing, even if it’s only a small taste of the activity as it gives me a more intimate understanding of what I’m reading or studying. Being able to physically see how the metal really does slowly flow when it’s heated up and to feel the feedback of my strikes against the anvil through my arm really made it a visceral connection to all the things I’d learned. Abstract concepts became cemented in firm reality. Also, it’s just really fun to hit stuff.

The gentlemen of the Drunken Smithy were excellent teachers. They gave general guidance to the whole group and then one on one assistance as we needed it. They listened to your goals and vision first, to try and give you enough information to go in the direction you desired without holding your hand or doing it for you. They provided just enough scaffolding for us as students of the craft to keep us engaged and excited without feeling overwhelmed.

They did this by first limiting the range of options we could choose from keeping the initial lessons fairly simple, throwing axes or knives. Each of those options came with a pre-cut piece of metal which meant it shortened the process of crafting considerably. We would not be melting down the metals, mixing them and then shaping our weapons from a hard lump. That would be one too advanced for beginners and two take way too long for a single afternoon.

I picked a throwing ax, because I am a Viking at heart, and my sister picked the knife. As the one who always has to go slightly off the beaten path, I naturally added a little bit of flair to my ax by splitting butt into two artfully curled pieces. I was informed this was a little more of an advanced technique but rather than discourage me from my vision, they supported me by spending a little more time one on one with me to help me see it through.

After picking out our templates, we set to work by first making them extremely hot. We did this by placing them inside the forge which is about 1,800 degrees fahrenheit and waited until the metal looked red. Once they were red, we pulled them out with tongs and took them to the anvil. The anvil is a peculiar shape, but each part is useful in creating the different desired shapes of the various tools and weapons a smith may desire to create. The act of hammering causes the metal to flow in a desired direction and shape in the process of “drawing out” the metal. In my case, rather than only focusing on the blade of the ax, I also focused on the butt of the ax. In order to achieve the desired shape, the butt had to be split. They did this by first cutting a small piece of the metal out and then helping me drive down the split. I then drew the metal out in two different directions giving it a distinctive shape.

What I appreciated about the process was they consistently told us that it was when we felt the blade had reached a desired shape that it was done. They gave praise and constructive feedback about how a given shape may affect the weapon’s performance, but never dissuaded people from what they were doing or trying to achieve. If we were happy with it, they were happy with it.

After we got our weapons into the general desired shape, we left them all to cool off in sand. As they were cooling, our gracious hosts offered us snacks including sausage that we could roast near the forge. They also allowed us free reign of their drinks which included some delicious cider. If you are a vegetarian, vegan or do not eat pork products you may wish to bring something along as the primary source of protein was sausage.

After a quick snack, we then went to the sanding machines to further refine and grind down the rougher parts. Once sanded, we dipped them in some sort of chemical that I don’t really remember what they said it was (oil?) to give them a characteristic black color rather than the gray of stainless steel. Then we put the final touches on our work by sharpening the edges into a true blade worthy of the shield wall!

The day could not have been complete, without some ax throwing. It is a bit trickier than you’d think because the ax has to hit the target bladeside up in order to stick otherwise it bounces harmlessly off. We had a glorious time trying to hit the target and make it stick. My sister was a little better at it than myself, but in my next attempt at ax throwing, I not only hit the target, I managed a bullseye (more on that later).

Satisfied with our weapons, we got back into our car and the first thing we said was “We have to take Josh!” (our brother). It took almost five years (thanks COVID), but we did return to the forge with our brother and forged again. The smithy has moved to a bigger location and has another expansion in the works. Once again, my sister chose a knife, but a bigger one. I chose an ax (but a bigger one) and my brother also chose an ax. We truly enjoyed both experiences and look forward to returning to the forge for another time. Who says Bucket List items can’t be done more than once?

How can you forge your own weapon?

If you’re in the south-central PA area then the Drunken Smithy is the best choice. There are blacksmiths throughout the United States, some of them may offer classes like this one. Depending on how hands-on they want to be, the classes may range from a half day (like this one) or several days, if they are trying to give you more of the process. If you want a more intensive course, then your local college, trade school or arts centers may offer an introductory course. Artist Blacksmith Association of North America may be a good online resource to find blacksmiths in your area.

Be on the lookout for demonstrations and ask the person where they got their start or if they know of any instructors who may be interested in teaching. One of the great things about artisans is that they desire to keep their craft alive especially in this age of technology when crafts are in danger of dying out, so many are very eager to find and direct students to keep the craft alive.

Completed: Feb. 2019 & May 2024

Miles from home: 23

Cost: Ranges depending on the project and type of class. The Drunken Smithy has weapons ranging from $150 – $375, but they have other options such as rings and flowers which are about $50.

My siblings and I opted for a more expensive experience. We were able to do this in part because the following month the sister outing was much cheaper.

Take the Risk and Let Go

Published on January 14, 2025November 10, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

In an earlier post, I wrote about letting go of the wall while ice skating. The wall was a place of safety, it kept me from falling and allowed me to build up the skills that I needed in order to traverse the ice. After all, it is by definition a rather hard surface and falling on it of course causes pain and potential injury. Yet, the wall is very limiting. One can only go as far out as one’s arms reach. If there are many people clinging to the wall, then one cannot go faster than the slowest person. One does not know the joy of freedom even though freedom brings risk (as it always does).

If skaters only ever clung to walls we certainly wouldn’t get the phenomenal performances by the top figure skaters, we wouldn’t have hockey or speed skating. In order to be able to reach great heights one must be willing to take those risks. What we often don’t see if the number of times these top performing athletes have fallen. Those who stand on the precipice have a path paved in failure.

In order to truly live authentic, extraordinary lives, we have to be willing to forgo some safety and take risks. If you want to pursue a certain career most of us would have to take on a least some risk of taking on student loans and going to school. Even a technical school usually requires a modest sum of money which many of us don’t have ready access to. Even if you do have that money, you’re still risking having spent a good chunk of change in hopes that it will pay off. In order to find love and get married, you have to risk heartache and loss. If you do manage to find love and get married, you risk losing that love through death or abandonment. If you go on an amazing once in a lifetime vacation, you still have to travel which carries a risk. If you want genuine friendships, then you have to risk rejection. You may lose your current relationships in your pursuit to be more authentically yourself. The pay off to these things is worth the risk because otherwise you risk living a small, unfulfilled, lonely life.

Photo by Alexandre Cubateli Zanin on Pexels.com

Isn’t that what so many great stories are about? The person who risked it all and became famous? The person who made the big discovery or invented the next big technology. The person who became the hero. All of these stories require great risk and often personal sacrifice. Over and over again, the stories we tell require the protagonist to step outside of their comfort zone. It is the only way for them to grow and change enough to overcome the obstacles to their goals.

It’s actually the only way for us to grow and change as well. Without letting go and challenging ourselves how will we gain new skills to overcome life’s obstacles? Can we really risk not taking the risks? After all, if we haven’t pushed ourselves to go further then we may find that we aren’t able to keep up with the ever changing world.

We are taking a risk either way, but one way gives us an illusion of safety. We stay in the same dead-end job because it seems safer than looking for a new one or starting our own business. That is until the economy tanks and you lose that once seemingly secure job or your salary is no longer enough to keep up with inflation. The safety we had becomes our downfall because we aren’t in a position to pivot.

The truth is when we cling to the safety nets in fear of something bad happening to us we are choosing to let something bad happen to us anyways. I don’t condemn people who choose the wall and choose the safety net. After all, I’m a bit of a risk averse person myself. I have a lot of responsibilities and someone who is dependent on me. You, dear reader, may have children or other dependents. It is very difficult to choose the uncertainty that comes with risk. Research has demonstrated that people would rather choose the unpleasant reality that they know then experience the anxiety that uncertainty brings, even if that uncertainty would most likely lead to a better outcome. It is very difficult to fight that and we can come up with all sorts of reasons as to why we shouldn’t let go.

I don’t wish to lie to myself or to you. When we choose not to take the risk, we are choosing the certainty of a life that is smaller than what could have been. However for all my risk aversion, I, for one, do not want to choose a small life, so it’s time to let go.

Tales from Abroad: Life Unbound

Published on January 10, 2025December 7, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

I had the privilege of spending a semester abroad in my academic studies. For five months, I was halfway across the world, in a non-English speaking country for the most part on my own with limited support. This was a world before smart phones and easy roaming charges. I was for the most part armed with a local flip phone for emergencies, my wits and conversational German. It was just as daunting and fun as one imagines.

I suppose it was this experience that really solidified my adventurous spirit. How many times have I thought to myself “If I can get lost in the middle of Paris and still catch the train back to Marburg how hard can this be?” It instilled in me a sense of confidence to be able to navigate foreign places, solve problems on the fly and still be successful. There were certainly challenges.

There were the physical challenges that Germany presented me on day one. I thought I was a fairly experienced traveler having flown numerous times in the United States and I figured that Germany being another Western Country wouldn’t be too different. Stairs are apparently a thing everywhere in Germany and pose a much more serious problem than in the US when it comes to traveling with multiple bags. I had packed my bags anticipating the ease of traversing an airport with multiple rolling bags that I had in America, but Germany wasn’t as accommodating when it comes to rolling suitcases. Luckily, I did have some help in that I was traveling with a group of students, but they weren’t always the most helpful.

First, getting the bags down the escalators was a nightmare. I distinctly remember one of our bags just tumbling down the escalator as a complete hazard. Second, the trains had stairs. I had never encountered trains with stairs. I don’t even think I had seen such things in movies. Now, it does seem that since I’ve been in the country the train system is not as ruthlessly efficient as I remember it being. However, when I went, the trains were almost always on time and they did not wait for you to finish boarding, you had to get on or you would be left behind and the staff would not wave to the conductor to hold for you.

So there I was tossing my bags up onto the train and trying to get myself on with probably less than two minutes to get myself on board. The stairs were more akin to ladders than stairs, so I was trying to frantically climb onto the train with my bags. Being a naturally clumsy person, in a situation where balance was particularly challenging, I of course started to fall backwards. Luckily for me, the train doors shut just as I was about to stumble back onto the platform. Had I fallen back sooner, I would have been left on the platform with my bags on the train in a strange country and no real way to contact anyone. Had I not managed to get my bags on, I would have been on the train with the bags left behind! Certainly not my best moment! The saga of the stairs did not end there, there were stairs everywhere with almost no elevators to speak of, my legs looked amazing my the end of the trip and I do recommend the Germany Stair Master 5000, 5 month workout plan to you aspiring models.

My face at seeing that I had to climb yet MORE stairs!

I faced the challenge of navigating a truly arcane system for signing up for classes. I had never seen such a discombobulated, uncoordinated system in my life. Some classes you signed up for in person, some were online, some you had to practically hunt down like some sort of secret cult meeting. I’m still not exactly sure how I managed to actually sign up for my classes, but I somehow squeaked by with the requirements and managed to get myself in courses I felt i could handle with my level of German. Although Frankfurt in Mittelalter was more than I could chew since the first day they wanted me to read latin and I had to read 15th century German documents for a research paper. Essentially, it was like handing a non native speaker of English the original Canterbury Tales and telling them to have at it. I may have spent 3 days researching the history of the German language in order to translate what I was reading before attempting to write anything.

While I was there, I independently traveled to Paris, Dublin, Nuremberg, Cologne, Frankfurt, and Rome. I planned every part of those trips from booking the plane tickets, navigating transportation to and from the airports, found the hostels and traversed the cities learning the unique public transit of each one. I went with a group of school students on a trip to Berlin and joined Brethren Colleges Abroad for trips to Vienna and Strasbourg. These trips did not involve how to get there or where to stay, but I did have to traverse them on my own, figure out which sights I wanted to see and ensure that I was on time for the checks in.

While there, I bought my own groceries on a strict budget (most of my money went to my trips rather than to food). I cooked my own food learning how to use a gas oven which terrified me the first time I used it because I had never had to light an oven with a match before. I had to learn how to sort trash like the Germans and all the quirks of their culture. I learned to navigate a completely arcane university system as well as see the world a little differently. I met a fantastic travel companion, a fellow American who shared my love of reading. I wish I could say we stayed in touch and are still best friends, but sadly like many adult friendships it did not last much beyond our semester in Germany as we were from and returned to different parts of the country.

While I was in Germany, I took advantage of the relatively cheap travel through Ryanair and checked many things off my list. I will say that for the most part I was unable to savor the cities that I visited as I often only had 1 ½ to 2 days in which to see them. That did require me to at times semi-race through places focusing on the absolute “musts” rather than casually strolling through as I may have liked. The Louver itself is a whole day affair if one is to truly take it all in. Sadly, I only saw the highlights rather than everything it had to offer. Which is really what can be said of several of the places I visited (Paris, Dublin, Berlin, and Strasbourg) other places I like Vienna and Rome, I had an entire week to see which allowed me to do much more. I even took a day trip to the beach while in Rome, so I can say that I swam in the Mediterranean. It is unsurprisingly much like swimming in the Atlantic, at least just outside of Rome it is. Also, after Paris I was much more able to navigate the foreign public transit system as I had very little experience prior to coming to Europe

Through all my adventures, I was required to bring a “can do attitude” and resourcefulness. I managed almost all my mistakes or set backs with grace under fire with one exception. But even that turned out well.

I got to know so many people in my travels. I listened to their perspective and saw how the different parts of the world views America and by extension me as an American. Some of them were harsh criticisms, others were high praise. I was baffled by the Spaniard who was insulted that I hadn’t chosen to learn Spanish rather than German. I was embraced by a very drunk Irishmen who was just thrilled to death about Obama’s recent election after George Bush. I got to witness a student protest over tuition which blew my mind because back home we all just sort of shrugged with a “what can we do?” when faced by yet more college fees. I listened to young and old shared their lives, their hopes and their thoughts.

Traveling abroad expanded my horizons, strengthened my character and taught me resilience. It reinforced my spirit of adventure and voracious appetite to learn about places, experience things and know new people.

Myself and my travel buddy Erica whom I met in Marburg

How can you live abroad?

For many people this is a Bucket List item. Although, I suspect it was mostly put there by people who are much richer than the rest of us. If you aren’t a college student, this is a much more difficult prospect as the semester abroad only cost me $600 more than staying at college (not counting the extra trips I took). To me it was well worth the $600 extra investment on top of the investment I was already making in my education. Otherwise living abroad can be quite costly without gainful employment and how many of us realistically are going to find jobs where we can work in another country? I have seen some groups which advertise house sitting in Europe which would help take care of your accommodations, but there’s still pesky things like food that you need to pay for and if you’re house sitting you can’t really travel around all that much. Plus, what about your own house back home and your job?

That doesn’t mean that all is lost. One of the principles of the thing is that you’re willing to put yourself in a fairly unfamiliar situation, with limited access to outside supports forcing you to navigate unique challenges and overcome. A solo road trip through the United States where you just jump in the car and go, may present you with similar challenges.

The other principle is that you’re interacting with a lot of different people from around the globe with a willing and humble spirit to be shown their perspective. I continue to do both things in my life. Taking a short week backpacking in Mexico or Peru can be just as challenging if not more than navigating a semester in Germany. Talking to someone online who’s from Beirut may expand your understanding of the world far more than talking to someone you met in France because of the greater cultural differences.

Just living abroad does not necessarily confer these challenges either. It is easy to wall yourself off in an English speaking enclave and never leave depending on where you go. Had I gone to Germany, only hung out with American students, taken classes in English and never left my dorm, would that have given me the same experience? No, I may as well have stayed in America for all it did for me other than give me some social clout to say “I spent a semester abroad”. Remember, dear readers, we do not marry the principles of what we desire to the thing itself. Our desires can manifest in many forms and be just as satisfying if not moreso.

Still if you truly desire to do so, then my recommendation is to learn another language and start applying for jobs abroad. You obviously don’t need to learn another language, but it is certainly helpful. As of this writing the best jobs abroad are teacher, volunteer, medical industry, tour guide, yachting, au pair, scuba dive instructor, yoga instructor, working for an international company and obtaining a working holiday visa. As you can see many of them are easier said than done and do require some sort of specialization. So do your market research and consider what it would really mean to go abroad. After all you only live once, why not live it a little unbound?

Completed: Spring 2009

Cost: $600

Miles from home: about 4,000

Full disclosure: As stated above, it was only $600 in addition to my college tuition, so I’m not counting the cost of tuition as I would have paid that one way or the other. I also didn’t include my additional travels but all told they probably cost me about $1500. Two of those trips were covered in the cost of my studies.

Loneliness Epidemic: How a Bucket List Can Bring Connection

Published on January 7, 2025November 10, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

In May 2023, the U.S. The Surgeon General announced that we were experiencing a loneliness epidemic and that it was killing us. Many experts linked loneliness to adverse health effects similar to those of smoking and obesity. It is associated with increased risk for heart disease, stroke, diabetes, dementia, depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidality. It’s not just in the United States, the World Health Organization recognized this as a global issue and in the fall of 2023 launched an international commission to study the problem.

There are many ideas as to why we’ve increasingly become isolated even though we’re more connected than ever. As we’ve increased our digital presence, we’ve decreased our physical one replacing deeper connections with superficial online ones. That isn’t to say you cannot have a deep connection with someone you met online, people have done it. I’ve done it – but it is rare. There is only one deep online relationship that I’ve had that has lasted more than a year or two, but there’s many more people in my life outside my immediate family whom I’ve had a deep and lasting relationship with for over 20 years.

As a culture we are isolated, in our homes, scrolling on our phones not really knowing each other more than superficially. We present the curated version of ourselves to the outside world, never sharing our struggles or vulnerabilities. We don’t share real authentic conversations and disagreements usually end in blocking and a refusal to work things out. We’ve lost our ability to civilly coexist with differing opinions and perspectives which only leads to more isolation because no one is going to agree with you 100% of the time on every issue. Or we don’t share our whole views and ideas because we don’t want to begin an argument that will lose us yet another friend, leaving us with shallow relationships. We are afraid to be open and vulnerable, to make a mistake or work through discomfort to arrive at a place of mutual understanding and respect.

We fill our spare time up with meaningless and empty consumption of media, to numb the pain of being isolated. With our own family members we sit next to each other in our own worlds on our phones and not with each other. In 2006, I read a book called Bowling Alone which discussed our already declining social capital. Membership in community organizations such as churches, sports leagues, and volunteerism was on the decline then and continues to be now. So this isn’t really a new issue, since at the time of the book’s publication social media and smartphones hadn’t really taken off. Unfortunately, rather than helping the problem, it exasperated the issue of social capital.

One reason for this, is that we’ve lost third spaces, or places where people can gather for a relatively low cost. Even without the loss of parks, with more extreme weather, we’re losing the ability to access them. No one wants to sit together for hours at a park when it’s 100 degrees and a pool membership is expensive. Malls have closed. Libraries are under funded. Even activities that used to be relatively cheap are no longer accessible. Going to the bowling alley used to be a cheap family activity, but no longer. Many formerly free events open to the public have become ticketed experiences. This means our relationships have suffered from lack of consistent contact and engagement.

So what are we to do, dear reader? Well there are some recommendations which are more policy level, which while we can influence a little bit. Although, it is difficult for the average voter to leverage much in the way of power to force change. However, we can cultivate a culture of connection. How might you ask? Why by inviting your friends and families along to your bucket list adventures, which when kept closer to home are more accessible for everyone.

We all know that shared experiences strengthen relationships. These moments become more than just peaks for you, they become peaks for them as well. They become part of the trove of memories that you can reminisce about and form a special shared history. By joining in the ups and downs with one another we foster empathy, support and understanding. Sometimes these moments can create opportunities to be vulnerable with one another. In getting away from the busyness of everyday life and into a relaxing quiet setting, you find yourself opening up and sharing parts of yourself that you wouldn’t necessarily post on your social media pages. There’s room for the nuance of discussion.

We also know that spending time together is part of the way we express love and caring for one another. Having to navigate experiences helps to foster trust between you and demonstrates reliability. There have been many times when my sister and I have had to come to an agreement about where to go, how to get there or make decisions on the best approach. Luckily, years of sharing a room together had already taught us how to negotiate with one another, but it reinforces the relationship. I’ve often been surprised by how little time other people spend with their siblings who live relatively close by, but consistently going on dates together keeps our bond strong.

You will almost never read a post about an activity undertaken alone, because part of any bucket list moment is sharing it with people I care about. It’s not about doing alone, it’s about using these as times to connect, to build bridges and create strong relationships. What has been inspiring to me is that by going out and experiencing more of the world, friends have reached out to me with cool ideas knowing that I am someone who will take them up on their offer. There have been times when I’ve come along for the ride for someone else’s bucket list activity. I was delighted to help make their dreams come true.

I’ve also inspired them to enjoy more of what our local area has to offer. They’ve taken their boyfriends places or invited their family to join them for adventures. We’re fostering a culture of connection among each other and it’s spreading to other groups. It’s my ardent hope that this blog inspires you, dear reader, to go out with your loved ones on your adventures big and small. I hope that it helps you build connections with people and strengthens your bonds to combat loneliness, anxiety and depression. I hope that these adventures help foster confidence and self-assurance. I hope that this does not stop with myself or your, dear reader, but rather it spreads to other groups so that we’re all a little less lonely and feel like we belong to our communities. I can’t do much to change the world, but I can be the change I want to see in the world. One thing I hope to do is help build stronger connections and help others feel a little less alone.

Spa Days & Self-Care

Published on January 3, 2025December 7, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

If someone had told me that I would be one of those women who get massages every month, I probably would have laughed in their face about the foolishness of such a self-indulgent and frankly expensive habit. I never dreamed that the words “I’m sorry I have my massage that day, I can’t,” would escape my lips. However, that was before I discovered the many health benefits of massage.

I believe I’ve shared my mom’s health issues and how at the age of 46 she suffered a stroke which left her disabled. For almost twenty years, she has had over twenty surgeries, dozens of hospitalizations for various infections, has developed diabetes and other autoimmune disorders and at one point was in a wheelchair. To say that I started taking my health very seriously is an understatement.

For me, massage and other spa related activities are to help prevent having serious issues. Despite the expense of the monthly massage my logic is rather simple for the budget minded (as we all are here on this blog). My mother spends well over $100 every month for her medication and is in near constant pain. I can spend $70-$100 each month on a massage and feel great, look great and enjoy my life to the fullest. This isn’t to say that people with chronic illness can’t enjoy full lives – just, it’s a lot harder when you’re sick and I don’t think a single one of them reading this would argue that point. I think most of them would say, “pick the massages!” over the medications and pain.

Besides feeling great, massages are known to reduce stress and anxiety, improve sleep, lessen pain and muscle tension, improve immune function and help the facia system. You might not be familiar with the last one on the list. Facia is connective tissue around our joints, muscles and organs which helps provide structure and allow for fluid movement. When our facia isn’t well cared for it can cause many painful conditions. Something they found massage does is help to ensure the facia fibers are nice and straight instead of a tangled mess. That knotted muscle? May actually be “knotted” facia!

Photo by Photo By: Kaboompics.com on Pexels.com

Fun family side note, my mother was diagnosed with mixed connective tissue disorder which affects her facia which explained the twenty surgeries in twenty years. Her joints were literally falling apart because her facia couldn’t hold them together and since she’s starting going to a massage therapist regularly she hasn’t needed another surgery on her joints. It has a pretty strong genetic component, so there’s a significant chance that I will have issues with my own joints if I’m not careful.

I have found this seemingly self-indulgent habit has been key to keeping me healthy and active, along with a healthy diet and regular exercise. Each month it’s an appointment with myself one hour to truly relax and unwind. I enter the spa greeted by friendly faces who have come to know me well. I sign some paperwork, they review any changes and then my neck is wrapped in a warm towel until my massage therapist is ready for me. She reviews my history, checks to see if there has been any changes. I find it’s important to communicate anything that has stressed my system out whether that’s a lot of time spent in the car, extra gardening or stress at work. Together we formulate a plan, she relying on my own experience and me relying on her expertise of how to address the problems (usually a tense right shoulder).

After she leaves the room, I underdress to my comfort level and slip into the luxurious blankets, warmed by the heated table. I take a nice deep breath in and hold it before letting it slowly out. Tranquil music plays overhead in the dimly lit room. Already, the stress and tension begins to leave my body and for the next hour, it’s all about me. No one can reach me with my phone turned off and my smart watch tucked away in my purse. There is nothing to interrupt the time I have set aside for my own self-care. Alexandra makes adjustments as needed from the temperature of the bed to the pressure she uses, checking in with me and asking for feedback. Parts of me which ached and protested movement release under her careful administrations leaving me in a state of blissful tranquility where the stress of daily life has melted away.

Imagine sinking into a comfortable, cushioned table as skilled hands begin to work their magic. The pressure varies from gentle strokes to deeper kneading, melting away any tension you might be holding. The sensation of the massage is both calming and invigorating. As the therapist’s hands glide over your muscles, you might feel a warm, soothing release, almost like a wave of relaxation washing over you. Time is almost suspended as she works over each part of your body. The scents of the oil waft into your nose transporting your far away from the world. Your mind drifts between reality and a dream. Then what could have been an eternity or mere moments, she whispers ever so softly that it’s time. She slips out of the room and you begin to move your heavy limbs, stretching them out as if testing them. You take one more deep breath in and out, before slipping back into your clothes and re-entering the world.

I have gotten several different kinds of massage from the classic swedish, to the hot stone, to himalayan salt stones to even alternating between hot and cold. My favorite is the hot stone because the heat sinks deep into the tissues allowing Alexandra to work the muscles and facia more easily to maximize her effectiveness.

There is something to be said about setting aside time each month for yourself as a “mini-vacation”. For one hour, I completely disconnect from the outside world and focus on nothing else but relaxing. There is no one else to intrude upon it and I can either strike up a conversation with Alexandra or tell her that I want a quiet session where I can focus on my breathing or half doze. I am obliged to no one, not required to think or decide, it is truly a getaway. So many times our trips and free time get filled up with activities that while fun are not necessarily restful and rejuvenating. That is precisely what my monthly appointment entails. There are few other places that bring me the same level of relaxation.

I think we often overlook self-care and the things we need to do for ourselves as indulgences or even selfish. It is not an indulgence for me to say that given my family history, I need to take extra preventative steps for my physical health. It is also not an indulgence to say that I have a stressful job as a social worker and that carving out untouchable “me-time” is not being selfish. Caring for ourselves is as important as caring for others, after all if we don’t care for ourselves, eventually we will be the ones needing the care. It’s not an indulgence or selfish to do things for yourself.

I liken it to when the oxygen level drops suddenly on an airplane. You are to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. The reasoning is perfectly logical, if you end up passed out from lack of oxygen while trying to help someone else, chances are there will be two people in medical distress instead of one. You do no one any good passed out from lack of oxygen! My mom despite the improvements still isn’t healthy and still needs help around the house. I have to be able to care for us both, which means taking the time to take care of me. Part of that self-care, is the monthly massage.

How can you get a massage or begin a monthly self-care routine?

Luckily, there are many options available for a massage from a one time fee to a monthly membership. I happen to have a monthly membership with Hand and Stone for about $70 each month. Which is probably about the cost of most people’s daily coffee habit. The membership fee covers the cost of a one hour massage and if I miss a month it rolls over into the next month, so I never need to worry if I am unable to make it in that I will have “wasted” my money.

Even if you cannot make it a monthly habit, it is good to indulge in yourself occasionally with spa days or even just a massage occasionally as it is a readily accessible mini-vacation that can fit into almost any schedule no matter how busy.

However, whether you indulge or not in them, I still recommend making a habit of self-care. Schedule meetings with yourself where you take time to stretch, meditate, drink tea or just lie in bed and snuggle your cats. Turn off your phone, listen to relaxing music and just be for a small period of time. Get a spa kit for home and indulge in that way. If you have a partner take turns giving each other neck rubs. There are books and resources to help you learn some of the techniques of the massage therapists.

Completed July 2017 (ongoing)

Cost: $70 with membership (ongoing) or one time fee $120

Miles from home: 3

Not my Monkey, Not my Circus

Published on December 31, 2024November 10, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

Those have got to be six of the most freeing words I have ever heard uttered. They were spoken by the executive director of my internship placement and it was a lightbulb moment. As a young, budding professional still in graduate school, I often took on more than what was mine. I was shouldering burdens, piling on unnecessary stress and adding to my every growing pile of responsibilities. Seeing her close her eyes and utter those words were deeply profound, it was like getting permission to start setting boundaries around my professional and personal responsibilities even if the actions of other people affected my responsibilities. It gave me the freedom to say if someone else doesn’t get their piece done, it doesn’t mean I have to step in.

The idiom actually comes from a Polish proverb, but its colorful imagery resonates so strongly that it needed almost no translation when it crossed over to the English speaking world. It perfectly encapsulates personal boundaries and discretion, encouraging us to consider where our responsibilities lie. We we invoke this phrase it means that we must practice discernment about what is ours to handle and what we have to others handle. It helps us prioritize our energy and attention rather than leaping to intervene. It also helps us relinquish control to others.

I can at times be a bit of a control freak. This probably stems from perfectionism and anxiety. I want to do a good job; I want to be helpful; I want the whole group to do well, and I want to know that it’s done. This means that if someone else on the team isn’t doing their part, I just step in and take over without necessarily being asked or considering that maybe the other person was in the process of doing it, just not on my timeline. This means that sometimes I jump in and just do for someone rather than allowing them to do it themselves.

I was on the receiving end of this once and I was rather annoyed. I was working with a partner in class and we had split the parts of the project it was due in three weeks. Not a week after the assignment, she had completed the entire thing, robbing me of the experience of learning and I was worried I’d get a bad grade on the project because she didn’t let me do anything. It communicated a lack of trust and a poor assessment of my skills. So, instead of both of us being happy with the work and doing well, she felt resentful and overburdened and I felt insulted.

My mother is also someone who has needed to learn this phrase. She is a go-getter and also a bit of a perfectionist- I can’t imagine where I got my perfectionistic trait from, ‘tis a mystery that only the wisest of sages shall ever be able to solve. Alas, us mere mortals shall simply have to remain in the dark.

My mother too has fallen into the trap taking on that which was not hers. I saw this play out in her stories from her job. Where one of her co-workers would fall behind and leave work undone. My mother, being the responsible person that she is, would complete her work and then help that person. Well, that person kept leaving more and more work for my mother. Until, she would simply never do anything she didn’t feel like doing leaving my mother feeling resentful and angry. The final straw was when my mother’s supervisor tried to start holding my mother accountable for the undone work instead of her fellow employee!

So you can see dear reader, the dangers that lurk when one forgets which monkeys belong to your circus and which monkeys belong to the other persons. Your relationships with others suffer. You may reinforce the idea that the person is a failure and can’t be trusted with responsibility undermining their sense of competency and self-worth. You may find them upset that you rob them of opportunities to grow and try. You may find that they take advantage of you by constantly passing on the responsibility to you. You will also find that you’re overburdened and burned out. You will be resentful towards those whose responsibilities you now hold. One thing we know about resentment is that it is a relationship killer. It often leads to anger, fuels criticism and feeds contempt.

Photo by Merilin Kirsika Tedder on Pexels.com

This phrase is part of setting boundaries, of knowing where you start and stop. It is not my responsibility to get my neighbor to mow his lawn, even though the tall grass might annoy me. Going over there and mowing the lawn for him, may be seen as a nice gesture, but only if I knocked on the door and asked if he would like some assistance. Otherwise, it’s trespassing on private property and socially unacceptable. While it may be nice for me to watch my friend’s child when she goes to the hospital, it’s not my responsibility to do so and if I can’t watch the child because I have other responsibilities that I need to take care of, those needs come before hers. It is not my responsibility to complete the work of my neighbor, partner, parent, friend, co-worker or anyone else.

My co-worker recently asked if I could switch on-call weeks with her. I almost said yes, but then checked my calendar. I had an appointment that weekend and I purposefully had not taken the on-call phone so I could keep that appointment. I told her no. The on-call phone was not my monkey that week and it wasn’t my problem that she had forgotten about her plans that weekend when she agreed to take it. She did get another co-worker to switch, but had I not heard that phrase I probably would have said yes and then felt resentful and angry if I had gotten called that weekend.

When I can clearly see what monkeys belong in my circus, I can focus on the things that I am responsible for and let go of what I am not. This freeing phrase is a stable of my life and I hope, dear reader, it becomes a stable of yours.

A Wickedly Good Time: A Broadway Musical in New York

Published on December 27, 2024December 21, 2024 by BudgetBlissLeave a comment

Considering the movie version is at its height of being popular, It seems that now is the perfect time to write about my very first Broadway Musical experience, Wicked (from my Reverse Bucket List).

I must confess my confusion that after 20 plus years of being on the stage, the musical is still so beloved that it should have such a large fanbase that has flocked to the theaters to see it and sing along. It certainly is a good musical, catchy music, compelling characters, interesting plot, and full of deeper themes that will stand the test of time. However, I just hadn’t heard much about it since it first debuted back in 2003 which followed on the heels of the 1995 book. Seeing all the excitement surrounding the movie version of it has made me reminisce about my Broadway experience.

I was in my senior year of high school when the music department was able to schedule a trip up to New York city in order to see Wicked the musical. As our high school was about a 3 hour drive from New York, it wasn’t too far for us to do occasional class trips. As it happened, this trip was scheduled for the day after another trip to New York to see the Darwin Exhibit – so I happened to go twice in one week (but a post for another time). I had recently read the book from my library, curiosity finally winning out to discover what precisely had everyone in such a frenzy of excitement. As my school had done the Wizard of Oz musical in my freshman year, i was extremely curious to not only read the story from an alternative point of view but see the story from an alternative point of view.

Our field trip actually began in the later part of the school day as the performance would not be until the twilight hours. We piled onto the charter bus as a group of exuberant, nerdy teens ready to take on the world. For most of us, this would be the first time seeing a Broadway musical and for some it was their first time going to New York. The air was palpable with excitement which soon wore off after the initial jostling for seats and everyone settled into their places for the long trip up. There was the usual chatter, the occasional flirtatious glance between people, whispered gossip and playful teasing for which groups of teens are known for.

I was no different sitting with my friends and giggling most of the way uncertain of exactly what I was in for. I had of course heard of the infamous broadway and grew up watching various performances of musicals recorded on video. I didn’t know precisely what made Broadway so special other than that was where musicals were born. Even though I had just seen the famous city, I had not yet visited when the daylight fades and gives way to the bright lights of the streets. Would it really transform itself as I had been lead to believe?

As the bus rolled along, we began to start seeing signs for New York and signs for Wicked. The excitement on the bus began to build once again. The energy was barely contained within the seats. For myself, I remember half bouncing up and down in glee. Shortly – though not nearly quick enough – we had arrived in the big city. We were given leave to divide ourselves up into groups and we were taken to have pizza.

I remember walking through the streets taking in all the sites. The daylight had just started to fade, turning the sunlight to rose. There seemed to be too much to take in at once. Buildings towering over us. Music blared over the cacophony of sounds, traffic, horns, and construction. We spotted a street performer. Cars were everywhere, some of them quite unique like the limo humvee which alternatively amused and baffled us as quintessentially New York. Looking up we saw the famous billboards and lights, soon they would light the night and block out the stars and moon.

We were ushered into an upscale restaurant which was known for its pizza, though to this day I cannot quite recall its name. But I recall the atmosphere quite well. Like most upscale restaurants, the lighting was dim which only accentuated the richness of the dark wooden panels on the lower part of the walls. The upper half seemed to be a lighter cream though the shadows obscured the truth. I distinctly recall that we ate on the upper level looking down over the rest of the patrons. Perhaps, knowing that they would play host to rambunctious adolescents they wisely seated us away from their other customers lest we became a disturbance. If we were, I did not hear of it, though I cannot quite imagine that we were not at least slightly disruptive. However, most of us had been raised with at least decent enough manners, the problem of course is that when in the company of other teens, those manners seem to get forgotten.

I will fully admit that while yes, I had the infamous New York pizza, it didn’t really taste all that much better than the pizza I order from down the block monthly. Granted, the pizzeria is owned by a 2nd generation Italian immigrant whose grandparents owned a restaurant in Italy, so I may be a bit spoiled when it comes to Italian food.

What I remember most about the evening after arriving at the theater was that it was both exactly what I expected and not what I expected at all. First, dear reader, you must recall that a Broadway musical or really any theatrical performance “on Broadway” could take place on any one of 41 stages in New York City which can seat 500 or more persons. There are in point of fact only three theaters located on Broadway itself: Broadway Theater, Palace Theatre and Winter Garden Theatre. So even though one might picture Broadway and one of these three theaters, one might find oneself in a theater several blocks away.

Prior to going to a Broadway production, my theater experiences consisted of the Fulton in Lancaster and the Hershey Theater, neither of which are architectural sisters to those in New York. So while I had a vague notion of what a theater looked like from pictures and movies, it was still in juxtaposition to the Hershey which was designed after a cathedral in Venice and the Fulton which was designed as a Victorian Opera house. What struck me most was the sheer amount of red velvet that they had at the entrance. It seemed quite a bit odd while still ornate. I remember thinking that the entrance was a bit smaller than I had imagined as we were ushered into what seemed to be too small a space before opening up into a larger area.

To be honest, the venue vaguely reminded me of a posh movie theater. It had a more modern flair and everything was a rich dark red and black accented with golds. Sound was softened by the lush carpet so that the conversation of the crowd swarming inside was a hushed murmur around me. Everywhere I looked people were smiling with an eagerness of anticipation. Once inside the theater, the air positively hummed with the activity of people quickly seeking out their spots. I was situated stage left towards the middle of theater close enough to see well enough but not to really see the more subtle expressions of the actors.

It hardly mattered, from the moment the curtain rose and the first notes rang out, I was transfixed. Glinda floated down in a sparkling blue dress singing that no one would mourn the Wicked Witch. I remember watching the Wizard dance around the stage with Elphaba’s mother singing and giggling with one another, a slight deviation from the book already. By the second song of Dear Ol’ Shiz, I was taken up into the story which asks what makes someone wicked? The very same question that first led me to explore psychology and later a career in social work.

It’s hard to exactly describe the sheer spectacle of a broadway production from the sets to the costumes; everything is meticulously crafted to convey subtle messages and create impressions which help tell the story. Scattered throughout were small references to the original Wizard of Oz while still firmly establishing the differences from the source material. It began to take an almost dreamlike quality where your mind begins to fill in the holes that the set leaves open, a few trees become a forest, a few mock houses spring into a whole town until your mind is sort of tricked into thinking there was more than there really was.

It could be that it’s the songs that help weave the enchantment for there is ever magic in song. It makes it easy to slip out of solid reality and into the dream realm. After all, it’s really only in dreams that people would be singing and dancing to tell a story. Perhaps, the music really does help place your mind in an altered state allowing you to more fully experience it. The choreography only adds to dream as people twirl about the stage becoming whirls of color. During the songs with larger ensembles it becomes too much to take all in, your eyes unable to drink in each movement and the lyrics blend together in your ears.

However, just like the spells woven in the musical, so too, does the spell the cast holds over the audience eventually shatter. The last song sung, the last line spoken and as if on cue the audience breaks into applause the thundering of hundreds of hands slapping together creating a wave of discordant sound which rouses them out of their half dazed slumber. Half stumbling out into the night and slightly stiff from sitting too long, the crowd begins to dissipate. Each person with a sort of half glazed look in their eyes as if they aren’t quite free from the enchantment of the stage. Patrons speak excitedly to one another, a few hum, fewer still hum on key. A number of them will most likely find themselves in bars later drunk on more than just showtunes. For a group of rowdy teens, the only thing left to do was to be herded back onto the coach bus.

Considering the lateness of the night, we returned in relative quiet, the lights were turned low to allow us the opportunity to sleep. I was never one to really sleep during transportation, did not. Although the next day, I was exhausted for yet a third field trip with my German class, but that is a post for another time. I recall mostly stumbling into my bed in the wee hours of the morning resigned to the idea that in only a few short hours I would have to return to the waking world. Still, as I lay in my bed the songs played over in my mind and my dreams were swirls of color.

Years later, I went to another Broadway Musical, this time Kiss Me Kate, a retelling of Shakespear’s Taming of the Shrew. The magic that was cast was as real as the first time. Time once again was suspended and I was overtaken by the spell of the theater.

How can you see a Broadway Musical?

If you are lucky enough to be relatively close to New York City, then it is quite easy for one to get there. You can either be like my music department and secure transportation for the same day knowing that you may end up crawling back into your bed in the wee hours of the morning utterly spent and exhausted or you can arrange to stay overnight like I did when I went with my sister with a hotel close by. The latter option is of course far more expensive.

However, my sister and I had tacked on an evening in New York as part of a larger trip as we were departing from New York. We had determined that rather than trying to get to New York the same day as departure we opted to go the day before to ensure that we did not miss our cruise ship. This is certainly an option I encourage you to consider when traveling, dear reader. If you find that you need to arrive to or depart from a city you otherwise would not travel to, consider if it’s possible to extend your trip by a day in order to enjoy the sights. My sister did this in Barcelona as well and I hope to do so in London. If one is going to be there anyways then it is far cheaper in the long run to spend a little extra on a day rather than spending even more later on a separate trip.

Still, not everyone will be traveling in and out of New York nor is everyone able to travel to it on a lark for a day trip. Then the principle of the thing is what one must turn to. Now a Broadway production is a grand thing, but it is not the only way to enjoy a Broadway Musical which is a genre rather than the thing itself. There are many beautiful and glorious venues which put on performances of musicals. Take the earlier mentioned Hershey Theater which is a masterpiece of architecture. The quality of performances that have graced its stage are certainly equal to New York’s Broadway or London’s West End. Some performances may even surpass what one may see on Broadway depending on the quality of the actors, costumes and set pieces.

There is after all nothing inherently magical about a particular venue, Broadway just happens to be the place where most musical productions are developed and debuted. It is the place to go if you want to see the newest musicals; it is not the only place with capable of phenomenal performances. This is great news, as you, dear reader, are almost certainly within a reasonable distance of a grand theater which hosts performances. I encourage you to go forth to your nearest performance hall and find yourself lost in the magic of musical theater!

Completed: Spring 2006

Cost: Current cost $100 – 200 per ticket

Miles from home: 150